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So AH got mad at me because I had Wednesday off and never told him. I work the weekend and have to take a day off during the week, guess I just didn't think about it. So yesterday he was pissed as soon as I told him and that went on all day while I was at work. Nasty texts, I tried not to get into it but I had to defend myself and let him know that I did love him. Last text he sent me during the day was, "I will leave as soon as I find a place"
Fast forward to last night. I took our boys to football practice, when I got home he was drinking and had told my oldest daughter, 20, that he was going to look for apt's tomorrow. He had gone just over 3 weeks without drinking. I went to our room where I stayed and watched tv. He would come in and try arguing. I told him that I see that the bottle was more important then talking to me tonight. He said you had 3 weeks to talk to me and try to get things worked out, He did his part, he didn't drink, he folded clothes, did dishes, all the things I want but I gave him nothing, he can drink because he proved it wasn't an addiction cause he went 3 weeks, it's a choice for him to drink. I said I was working on taking down my wall but it is just so hard. He brings up an emotional affair I had with a guy a yr and half ago. Never meant for it to be an emotional affair but we talked a lot via text and phone calls and I just started leaning on him. Said he never forgave me for it and that he is just dealing with it but he has never treated me like I have him these last 3 weeks. I don't know how to let the wall down, it has been so hard and now I think the progress I had made is gone and it's higher then ever.
This morning before leaving for work I tried talking to him. I told him I had this wall because of what happened last night, the nasty things he says to me, the drinking that wasn't suppose to happen, ect. Nothing from him. So now I am sitting at work wondering if he will be there when I get home, do I want him there when I get home, and what is going to happen. He sent some nasty texts to me last night and I am just so lost with emotion. I feel like my head is about to explode.
I am trying so hard to work on myself but when someone is blaming you and saying hurtful things to you sometimes it just gets hard to believe you are actually worth anything.
Confused, if my husband texted me all day in an antagonistic manner I would ignore the texts. I learned to walk away when I sensed an argument. I will not get sucked into a negative situation, period.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
What horrible goings on - I'm so sorry that this behaviour is blighting your life and I'm not surprised that your walls are higher than ever. If someone wants your trust, do you imagine that they would go about it by sending you insulting texts?
Three weeks is a tricky time and I remember my husband pulling all sorts of antics around that time. It is so easy for us to pick up the blame, but it does not help anybody when we do it. When you can take care of yourself and put your own self esteem at the top of your agenda, regardless of what your partner is doing, he may finally start to take responsibility for his own behaviour. My husband blamed me because I let him, because I kept trying to get things right for his benefit. Someone once asked me 'what are you running away from?' Turned out the answer was a load of un-earnt blame and abuse!
(((Confused)) Please take care of yourself. The walls will not come down until you feel safe enough because you have replaced them with consrtuctive tools to live by. These tools include: Validating yourself and your WORTH, because your self esteem has been restored within. Detaching from the insanity and refusing to engage in any dispute helps.
You know deep within that you do not have to Justify , Explain, Defend or Argue any issue. You can state your opinion and that is enough. By working the Steps you will be able to make amends to him when the time is right.
I found I could not love anyone until I relearned how to love myself first. Please keep practicing loving yourself by attending alanon. .
I am like Debb - I will do anything and everything to avoid conflict. Even if that includes going for a walk, sleeping elsewhere, acting as if they aren't invading my space, etc. I totally understand the need/want to defend yourself, but when you are battling an irrational disease, it's a pointless effort. In my experience, when one or more of the As are in the button-pushing mode, avoiding the reactions and praying tend to make it all stop much, much faster.
I also agree with Betty - you need to take care of you. Engaging in this program, attending meetings and getting some phone numbers would be great tools for you when this 'stuff' is going on...
(((Hugs))) - so sorry for the chaos that's happening in your world. Just know that this too will pass. Hang in there!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
A hard situation. Your husband is trying to hand you the guilt for his drinking. You can let it lie there. It looks to me as if he's doing that tried & true practice of "I would stay sober except you are making me drink by your unreasonable and unforgiveable behavior. I don't have to drink - it's not like I'm an alcoholic or anything - but you're making me drink right now. What other choice do I have when you're so unbearable?"
This is total nonsense. Nobody can let walls down in a brief three weeks, especially when someone is breathing down their necks demanding that they do it. If he really had your best interests at heart, he'd take things slow and easy and let you come to trust him again (assuming he proved himself worthy of that trust) in your own time. The fact that he's saying now now now, do it now just shows how sick his thinking still is - which is exactly why you're cautious and have your walls up!
So I hope you will not take responsibility for any of his actions. Nor take blame and guilt from yourself. There are more serene ways to live and you are on the journey. You will get there on your own time. It is not for him to bark orders about what schedule you should be on.
for starters what are you worth... A hell of a lot!
You sound like your a busy mom taking care of kids, your family yourself, a job. You are worth a lot. If he CHOOSES not to acknowledge that it doesn't make your worth go down.
Beyond that, thing you said like he can't forgive you for leaning on someone else and an "emotional affair" Well, people need someone for encouragemtn and to lean on especially when living with an addiction in the family. The details the right/wrong I have no idea. BUT, it doesn't sound liek he is willing to own up tp problems and instead places lots of blame on you and perhaps you accept that guilt? Either way, it is very common for individuals to blame every thing and everyone for their drinking. If you didn't.... If you treated me better I wouldn't, If my boss didn't.... then I would have to drink..
The reality is you can only take responsibility for your own choices.
The damage done ina relationship from addiction can't be cured in three weeks of fingernail sobriety. It takes a lot of work.
Hang in their and keep working on Al Anon! Working on your program will only make you feel better more intune with your worth, because you are worth a lot!!!
This is one of those situations that reminds me of my XAH telling me he worked on our marriage which I had to rebuild him 2 mistresses, one the bottle and one another woman isn't working on a marriage. He refused to go to counseling. No communication no real relationship. I made the choice not to engage and he was angry I went to alanon came here to work things out in my own mind. Just got clarification it is not ok to harass someone at work via text or otherwise. I blocked my XAH for a while. I didn't need or want the stress. I never told him lol and we were separated at that point. I process emotions at my own pace .. No one else gets to tell me how long that is suppose to take .. Sometimes time takes time. Hugs.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I am so sorry for what is happening right now. If I had know what WE know now 3 months ago, What my AH pulled in front of my family would probably never happened... he didnt go 3 weeks without just a little over a week but he blamed my stressing out on a family matter for him starting again...It is not because you have wed. off. it is because it is what he wants to do. Then later I found out he was having a drink or 2 while I was at work to take the edge off. I wondered why he didnt get sick or feel bad..now I know. But girl you have been working the program we have talked and you are doing so well don't let this turn you around..today is a new day....if he leaves..so be it...you probably need that me time for yourself anyway.. I got the opportunity to get away for almost 2 weeks and I am getting out as fast as I can because I just need a break and some me time. grasp it..leave it in HP's hands... Let go, Let God....all of the responses you have received above from our seniors are perfect. They are the best. I am still new at this but this is the best thing that ever happened to me. ((((( confused ))) You know I luvs ya!!! if you work it, it works and YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Debra
-- Edited by Broken513 on Tuesday 29th of September 2015 07:41:18 AM
I have really appreciated everyones advise and comments. As of today my husband drank Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Has not drank the last 2 nights but it's coming, I know. I have been small talking with him. We actually cuddled a little in bed last night. I am trying. I have set a boundary that if he drinks and then tells me he wants a divorce or packs his stuff and leaves again, I am done. I am going to try and slowly let down walls of talking and showing him that I do care and love him but I am also just going to guard myself.
What I don't understand is how someone can be so mean(with words) to someone they care about and then the next day act like nothing is wrong. Do they really not remember or do they just act like they don't? I don't get an I'm sorry for being an a%&, or anything. I just don't understand this as a disease as much as I'd like.
Living one day at a time everyday and counting my blessings and being very grateful for the many things I have to be grateful for.
Part of their behavior like that is his reliance on your loving him. Sorry to say that very often knowing that I loved her justified her being unloving. She knew I would be there still when the disrespect was done. Cheeeeez that was crazy. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
I've ways asked myself the same question : Doesn't he remember the nasty things he said to me when he was drunk? Following day,he would act like nothing happened..wanting to be intimate and cuddle. ..meanwhile, I'm hurt by his words tremendously. .-sigh-
I do remember my words were nothing- actually they most often provided the opposite of the hoped for result.
I had to "show" him everything... like you would train an animal the more I treated him like a human with normal reasoning ability the more worthless and frustrated I felt.. not alanon ... just what I remember...
Why do we feel hurt or feel so sad or bad even depressed when the other person is the one behaving badly... common sense would say we should feel bad if WE were the one with the bad behavior.
For me it was because I was investing so much in trying, turning myself inside out doing whatever I would love for him to do and getting the opposite of the hoped for results so I felt like a failure I felt worthless!!! but it was actually my choices my behavior that was causing my feelings of worthlessness...all he was doing was behaving childishly and very mean...that had nothing to do with me at all!!
I had to separate myself from him for a long time before I could even think about me... and I still have those same behaviors with others.... the difference is sometimes the memory bells go off and instead of feeling hurt and worthless every time I'm "hurt" .. on the best days, I do something else. because if I do what I've always done I'll get what I've always gotten.
-- Edited by glad on Wednesday 30th of September 2015 07:21:46 AM
Confused, I really had to work at NOT taking things personal, especially when I was being attacked by my XAH. I just left my 20 year marriage and I know how hard it is when they quit for a few days, then pick it up again, then blame you for their problems and drag you into defending yourself etc. Something that helped me was the word JADE.
JADE:
I don't have to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain
Another thing that helped me was learning how to just say, "You may be right." And, then walk away. Who cares if you know the truth and he thinks what he thinks. His thinking is distorted, even when he's sober. You can't have a rational discussion with someone who isn't capable of being rational....but, you can still love them.
For me, I had to learn that love needed to look differently to me. I had to detach. Then I had to detach with love. And, then I decided that I couldn't live like that anymore and I ended up divorcing him,but it took 3-4 years of sitting on the fence and 3 failed attempts at marriage counseling, and him 'trying' AA but then giving it up time and time again. Only you know how deep your love for him is and what you can live with. The tools of Al Anon definitely helped me. I do hope you learn to love yourself and know that you are worthy. Please don't believe those inner doubts and the words he says. You are lovable and beautiful and you're doing the best you can with the tools you have every day!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
