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Last night I lost it. My huband pushed me too far, and I said the most cruel things I can imagine.
I was lying in bed again, still not feeling well, the cold went to my chest, so I have been barking. He walked in at 6PM, drunk and nasty. He looked at me and screamed COOK, NOW!
I got out of bed and walked into the kitchen, then thought about it and walked into the bedroom again. He had layed down where I had been. He heard me come in, and said didn't you hear me I said COOK NOW! I said I heard you, I just can't believe what I'm hearing. He then told me to get out of his sight, that he cannot even look at me right now. Like a moron I said, what did I do, I have been sick all day. I ran my errands and was resting for a while.
He then told me that while he was at his Mothers, a neighbor came over with their new baby. I said "how nice, and you are angry why?"
He said it was a little girl, I said okay that is nice for them. He then turned around and started screaming at me that I was keeping him from having another little girl. That he can still have another child and because of me was denied having one.
For anyone that does not know. We have six children, 18 down to 2. My littlest Conner was an extremely hard pregnancy. I was over 40, my husband was not working and was drunk all the time. I almost lost him several times, but thanks God he survived. My hubsnad and I seperated during this preganancy, I was working 7 days a week and he was making mine and the other kids lives Hell. My children, friends and the people at Alanon helped get me through the pregnancy. Conner was born 2 months early, emergency C-section. Our 16 year old son had to drive me to the hospital as my husband was drunk and abusive. He later showed up, only to leave and drink more while I was on the operating table. Conner caused a lot of damage to my female organs and I cannot have any more children. I did not get my tubes tied because my husband was missing and could not sign consent. It was a miracle that we both came out of it fine and my Conner is worth doing it over a million times. I have accepted that I am done having children, I am 44 years old with 6, and I guess that is what I am meant to have. I am very blessed.
A lot of the problems in my last pregnancy where the direct result of stress, not being able to take it easy, all aggravated my my husbands drinking and abuse from him and his parents. I had put it behind me, until last night.
After he blamed his getting drunk on the fact that I wouldn't give him another child I exploded. I told him how dare he order me around like a servant. That I was sick and resting on my weekend off, that he wouldn't understand that as he will not work. He said oh you are attacking my manhood. I then said what manhood? You have been living off your wife and your parents. You will not work, or help around here at all. He then started carrying on about being the bread winner, and I said where in a lottery, because you don't have a job. I told him our 5 year old keeps asking why doesn't daddy have a job? Is his work, drinking over at Nanas?
I told him he contributes nothing to this family, or this life, that he sucks it dry like a vampire, that he is a worthless, selfish, nasty, self centered excuse for a human being. He started screaming that he is not an Alcoholic, and I said well if you arent then you are a psychotic, lazy animal.
I said you dare blame me for not having anymore children, that you attack me for something I have no control over, I then told him that it was probably his doing anyway, that all that he put me through contributed to this.
He then said Okay, well I want to adopt, I said who would give a child to people with a low income and six children. Then I said you wouldn't even get past the psych exam, that they would not give an innocent baby to a lazy, good for nothing low life drunk, who will not even take care of the children he has.
He left, tearing out of here, how he didn't get a DUI or an accident amazes me. I spoke to my Mom in tears and told her how cruel I was. She got angry at me, saying he was the cruel one, then asked if anything I said was a lie. I said no, but I shouldn't have said it, and she said someone had to.
She then said that her and my Dad are sick of watching me bust my butt, while he lays around and pours beer down his throat. She said the way he acted during my pregancy was inhuman and to turn around and try and use the fact that I can have no more children as an excuse to drink and treat me badly is just selfish, self serving and cruel. I told her I was crule in teh things I said and she had no compassion for him.
He called me this morning very bitter. Saying that the things I said where uncalled for and that I can't take them back, that now he knows what his Wife really thinks of him, and what kind of a wife am I for doing that to him. He then said he can still have children, and that he will not let me stop him from having anymore. He said his Mother supports him in this.
Well the old saying "No good deed goes unpunished." is true. I was kind to her and now she is treating me this way.
I don't care what he has done. I am not happy with my own behavior. I have to live with my words and actions, I don't know how he lives with his.
There is no reason to say you are not a nice person. He pushed you too far. The fact is, he just doesn't want to deal with the fact of the things you said. You stated facts. It's not "what you think of him", it's his own actions. I know we are supposed to detatch as much as possible, but neither should we be doormats when treated badly. If someone ordered me to "COOK NOW!" I think I would probably die laughing. What on earth gives him the right to say that? What he wants is not another child for the child's sake, he misses the unconditional love and trust of a baby, which quickly disappears when the baby becomes a child and starts to separate. You are doing the best you can. Hang in there. ((((((Jeannie)))))))).
Rachel
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
Moms can be a bit one sided in times like this, but I'm with her on this one. You don't like the way you expressed your anger. Boy have I been there. But look at it this way, you are human just like every one else.
You were angry, and had every right to be angry. You had every right to not let him stomp all over you.
If you don't like the words you used, chalk that up as a mistake. Learn from it and continue on. That's what humans do. <smile>
this too shall pass...
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
It's not often that I respond to posts, but I just couldn't click myself away from this one. How awful for you to go through everything that you have. And for not only him, but his MOTHER to treat you the way they did???? I understand that we are suppose to detach, but as far as I'm concerened.....YOU GO GIRL! A person can only take so much before they snap. You said what was in your heart, how can that make you a bad person? Obviously noone else is telling him the "truth", why not you? I know full well the damage words can have on a person, but is HE apologizing or feeling like a bad person for the way he's treated you? For the things he's said to you? NOt that it's tit for tat here, but don't be so hard on yourself. Take it to your HP, he's the only one that you need to ask for forgiveness. Be good to yourself, you've taken enough without beating yourself up as well.
My friend we can only take so much. Remember when Jesus was so mad he upturned tables and lost it when those icky people were doing money changing and other bad stuff in the temple?
We are made to be able to let off steam. Jesus was not sorry for losing his temper and throwing things around!!!
For petes sake forgive yourself! It is not like ya shot him or super glued his head tot he pillow. Hmmm (c:
Lighten up lady!!! (c:
I do relate, and I know that you hurt becuz the evil came out of your mouth, but remember it was the disease talking out of you!!!!! detach from it and go back to the nice lady and good mom you are!
((((((((((Debilyn)))))))), thanks for the image anda the good laugh. Super glue, hmmmmmmmmm, could do a lot with super glue. Maybe not to the pillow, but his mouth. Just a thought. (I wouldn't do it, but thinking about it makes me smile. )
Wow. Talk about letting it out. At one time I'd have said GO GIRL! lol, hope you don't mind me making light of that.
What would have happened if you had kept holding all that crap inside? How long had you been holding much of that inside? When you are sick, dealing with an insane/abusive A coming at you with their stinking thinking, and working as hard as you do with 6 kids, I wonder how much it would take to make any of us explode?
Give yourself a break, DON'T punish yourself. From your post you obviously know you could have done it differently. But you didn't and that's okay, we're not perfect. You aren't justifing your behavior and that's wonderful. Please don't beat yourself up for being human. It appears that you meant what you said, and you said what you meant --- it just didn't come out in the best of ways.
I don't know if this will help you at all, but I'll share what I do when things like this come my way. I go to my linen closet, open the door and say (usually yell) "God, this man's insane, I can't take this crap anymore, don't know what You'd have me do, if it were up to me I'd kill him...blah blah blah." When my steam's run out, I close the door and leave all that crap in there. (and no, I don't believe God lives in my linen closet -- lol) I just know if I didn't do this I'd go to my A and zap him with all my frustrations. (like that helps, right?!)
Your post reminded me so much of my own situation I had to reply. My A thinks it's perfectly acceptable to wake me up in the small hours demanding I get up and go but cigarettes,demand I iron his shirts,or cook his meals and see nothing abusive about this at all. It's what a good Turkish wife is expected to do.(I'm NOT Turkish and have no desire to be treated in that way either!)
We've all been in a situation where the A,s venomous tongue gets the better of us. I have the patience of a saint with most things,but sometimes I bite back and regret it afterwards. Funny how it's me who does the "I'm sorry I said things I didn't mean" speech,yet I don't remember my A feeling the same remorse for his wicked actions and nasty tongue? Hmmmmm.
I split with my A a month ago after he continued to threaten me when he couldn't get me to agree to do things he wanted.Like yours,he expects all the benefits of having a wife to pick up the slack,pay the bills,do the housework and keep him happily fed and watered.Sadly my A has a violent temper and isn't averse to smashing up the house,car or anything else he knows I value,including me if i get in the way.
I said something I didn't mean during our last argument,and apologised for 2 hours within 5 minutes of saying it. He wasn't listening and spent the 2 hours yelling and screaming at me that I abused him!!!
I know where you are coming from......I was upset with my "why don't u just pack yr bags and go!" comment and really dissappointed with myself for losing it in those few short words. Nothing I said could undo what I had said that moment. But I immediately asked God to forgive me and I forgave myself too. We don't have to put up with abusive treatment and they have to know that.
Be kind to yourself (((((Jeannie)))) because you really deserve better.
I agree...You go girl!!! I have wished mine would overdose and die in some manner for months now just so things would be over. I said many ugly things to my husband yesterday. It's human and natural to take so much and then get fed up. That's what happened to you. It's okay to let off steam once in a while. Sometimes I think mine doesn't listen until I blow up. He may not listen then, but at least I have his attention. My husband also wants to have another child. I have two from a previous relationship and we have one together. The one we have together is a miracle. His doctor told him he would never have children because of all of his drug use. They forget to be grateful for what they have.
(((((((((Jeannie)))))))) Debilyn made me laugh too and I think she has a point. WE are only human and I feel you had every right for your human emotion at that time. I agree with what your mom said too. You do not deserve to be treated that way no matter if it is the disease or not! I am so glad you are posting here and getting this out. You are one of the nicest people I have ever met my friend :) Change that internal dialogue to: I am a nice person and enough is enough. Oh, and I think you look over 10 years younger than your age and that you are one of the best mom's ever! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo cdb
First of all if you don't want to superglue him to the pillow, how about duct tape?
You are one of the sweetest people I know! You deserve to be happy, and none of this is your fault! I'm sorry that you had to go through all of this. But looking at your children you have a lot to be proud of. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I have said many similar awful things to my A. Of course I was always at the end of my rope. Since I have come to alanon I have worked long and hard not to be there anymore.
I think A's have a real super knack for saying stuff that will hurt us. They know the button to push.
Obviously you know stuff that will hurt him too but you are human.
It sounds like you are absolutely exhausted too.
On Sunday My A was drinking and saying how sorry he felt for himself that he did not have "more". At one time I would have been either angry at him or sorry for him. Now I am neither. I am detached but it is such work to be that way. It is such an incredible discipline.
When I have said things to the A I should not I know it now and stop it. You can start over anytime why not start over today. Obviously you cannot take those words back but you can make amends to him and to yourself.
So start over. I have found my A quite amenable to amends sometimes. Of course he has not changed. He still lies and drinks. I just do not scream at him about it anymore. I benefit because I feel awful when I do the screaming and shouting and venom pours out of my mouth.
At the same time anyone here will tell you there are times when I have gone into chat beside myself and called people here at the end of my rope. I find this room contains it far far better than letting it out on the A. I contain it here. I contain it in therapy. I contain it in many ways including being self caring.
I do know I got to a point where I was totally emotionally and physically exhausted from dealing with the A. I cannot allow myself to be at that spot too often because if I stay there I will inevitably get ill. I am worth more now to myself. Can you act like you are worth it to you?
Personally I never know from one moment to the next how the A will be, they are fine one moment crazy the next so it is all the more important that I take care of me.
Following an alanon path doesn't mean that we don't have the right to say what we think, or to let someone know that his actions or words have hurt us. In fact, in many ways, it OBLIGES us to do this - to treat ourselves well, and to treat our own needs as if they were as important as everybody else's.
The problem here is not in what you said, but in how you said it. When I have been in this position, I have said to my A "I'm not sorry for what I said, as I really mean it. However, I am sorry that I screamed it at you in such a hurtful way." He, of course didn't get it, but I'm only resonsible for my actions, not for how others take them. I felt better for apologizing for the part that I thought was wrong, and for NOT apologizing for speaking my mind.
Make whatever amends you feel are necesary for the part you feel you did wrong, and let it go. As for the A, they are past masters at making sure everyone knows THEIR pain, and maximizing sympathy, but it's amazing how anyone elses's pain is just so not important... Don't fall for his manipulation of your feelings - he is taking advantage of the fact that you are basically a nice person. If you weren't,. you wouldn't feel bad.
You were not cruel just stating the truth. If he can't handle that then the problem lies with him. I reckon you were pretty controlled I probably would have added that I must have lost the plot to have 6 kids with him and found it before we got to seven. lol. This is not by any means a reflection on your mental state Jeannie. Go back to bed get yourself well again then you will not be so vulnerable to the attacks. Think of his mother as the Black Widow spider waiting to trap you in her web. Focus on your own wellbeing and don't let them bring you down.
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