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here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been doing serious journaling recently and what came to light through some prayer and hitting my knees, is that my base fear is the fear of being made fun of. My dad was a master at belittling me, making me feel like I'll never measure up, heckling me, criticizing me regularly, etc. I was always so afraid of him telling me, "I told you so. What were you thinking?" I can't tell you how many times I hear his voice say, "What were you thinking? How stupid was that?" So, all the decisions I make in life I constantly try to avoid making wrong decisions because I don't want to hear, "What were you thinking? Are you stupid or something?" Every little thing. Right down to my romantic partners who I feel I choose wisely to how I am raising my son. There is no room for error. That is my deep seated fear and, although, I knew it was there all along, I didn't realize just how much this is the base fear from which many of my others come from.
Now, I just have to start working through it all and move through my fear so that I can be in a healthy relationship. Because, currently, my romantic relationship looks healthy from the outside but I'm a mess on the inside and I'm brewing with fear and trust issues and now I can see where it is coming from!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Yes...good insights. Knowing some of your history, your ex husband also was brutally sarcastic and demeaning to you while trying to get you to feel you were stupid and wrong about things. That went on for 20 years also. Hard to undo the damage and let go more after feeling you had to be on the defense your whole life.
It is very hard to let those fears go, I agree and sympathize with you very much. What helped me was to look at those who critized me, on a regular basis, like my AH and my father as well, with empathy, because those that do this kind of thing to another human being are very ill themselves.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Your hard work and focus on yourself is inspiring, so happy for your breakthrough! I thought I was fairly self aware before I came into AlAnon, but it has been an amazing journey as meditation and work in the program has guided me to a much deeper understanding of myself and those around me. Positive thoughts to you as you continue your journey
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
I learned some responses to those thoughts and those verbal messages from others which practice in earnest to where they became automatic. I said what I meant, meant what I said and didn't say any of it mean.
You're wrong (said nicely after a put down) smile and walk away.
That's not true (said nicely when a lie was told to me or about me) said out loud, in public and with respect.
That's a lie (said when I wanted to use extra personal emphasis letting the teller have the judgment) still said openly and nicely.
I wasn't argumentative or threatening...it wasn't called for. Practice, practice, practice. (((((hugs)))))
Yes, Jerry, calling a spade a spade without hurting someone else is key. You know, in my current relationship, I have been pretty good about asking for my needs to be met. I've been able to tell him about my fears and not worry about retaliation. I've also been able to tell him that I was angry about something and that I was taking something, but that my taking it personally was totally on me. I have been able to ask for clarification when he says things that might be seen as difficult to understand, etc. I do feel that I've grown in program but I also know I need to address my fears and my trust issues and these past few days have truly brought things to light for me.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I identify with this but call it fear of being criticized. So what's under that fear? If I am criticized, then what. This is where I see my fear of being wrong or fear of not being perfect.
The root of all fears is self-reliance (relying on myself instead of God). So now I have to see how this fear of being imperfect could be if I trusted infinite God instead of my limited self. Let fear "go" doesn't work. I have to dig deep and find a new way to live.
And it is in the next directions that I find my freedom.
I too applaud your work and how telling is 'who we are' when we peel back the onion....I too had a father like this, and what has helped me is my asset lists and gratitude lists as well as the 4th & 5th steps...
This program, which allows me that I am human and I will make mistakes, has been a gift as far as my insecurities and fear of failure. I am so grateful to know that my HP created me to be less than perfect and loves me in spite of my 'humanisms'.
I tend to look at choices I've made that have been 'less than good' as learning opportunities. As I look back and consider the things I've done, it so helps to know I am not alone - in action, thought or deed. Your post made me remember the consequences of saying, "I Don't Know" when asked by my father, "What Were You Thinking?"....it was not good.
For me, I no longer resent the way he was/is. I do know that he loves me and that's the way he is/was taught. I have never, ever asked my boys that question....as I wanted to break the cycle. I choose recovery and forgiveness as it's a much better way to live.
(((Hugs))) - you can/will get through this!! Awareness for me is often half or more of the solution to moving forward on my journey.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Workingthroughit made a point of saying that this fear is the fear of not being perfect. And, yes, that's it exactly. For me, it was the fact that I was never good 'enough' and my XAH made that clear to me, too. Both my XAH and my father were like this with me to some degree. I do not handle criticism very well to this day but I am learning that I don't have to take things personally or if I do, then I have to own up to it and learn from it.
Thank you all for the feedback. This was an important part of my journey.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Yep, I have the very similar problem of perfectionism, traced back to family of origin as well. it tends to freeze me, so I don't start anything. After all, if I don't try something, I can't fail!!
I applaud you for trying something, and patiently persevering your way through it. With that kind of attitude you *can't* fail!
I can so relate and hear my Mother's critical voice like you do your Father's. I discovered thanks to al-anon, to be human is to make mistakes and learning from those same mistakes makes you wiser. Life is full of error, but becoming better for them is to become who you are meant to be. I love this share!!!!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Tuesday 29th of September 2015 11:52:21 AM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I also did a inventory on my emotional defects and arrived at the greatest one being fear and then I inventoried fear by listening to my sponsor and my fellow group members. Fear was a natural response for me a default choice natural for anyone born and raised in the disease and living in reaction to it on a daily basis. When I found out it was fear and a default I spoke with my sponsor about what I could do to rid myself of it. "Do the opposite" he told me and then I needed to know the opposite so I could practice. I at first thought courage and then defense and others until my sponsor gave me "love"..."You cannot feel fear and love at exactly the same time" he told me. "You cannot feel love while feeling fear and you cannot feel fear while feeling love...they cannot stand in the same place at the same time". I have found this to be true in my life today and I have found that my Higher Power acknowledges and affirms it within me. This is what works for me today. The taproot of my fear was loss of self esteem or self love.
