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So, my AH has mostly stopped going to meetings but is working the steps with his sponsor while they go camping and fishing a weekend or two a month. I continue to work on me and my serenity and have done a really good job of staying on my side of the street. Last night however, I realized he continues to cross an established boundary and I am unsure how to proceed.
See, like many partners in my past my AH comes home from work and flopps on the couch and watches TV all night while I tend to the children and cook and clean after my own work day. I told him that I was tired and that if he would like to eat dinner vs. go to the drive through for his meal, he would need to come into the kitchen and help cook. He asked what time? I told him and went back into my office to work. At the agreed upon time he was still sharing a blood supply with our couch - and on the television I noticed he was watching a violent show with my kids in the room.
I reminded him of our agreement: With my children there will be no TV with violence, witch craft, UFO / ghosts or consipiracy theory topics. He is free to watch those with his children or on his own - but not with mine. I said I understand that your parenting style is different from mine, but we've talked about this over and over again and that he knows my kids cannot be watching this.
"5 minutes" he said. "no" was my reply and I reminded him that he had promised to be helping in the kitchen right now and wasn't and therefore I was not going to negotiate.
I'm feeling sad and angry and disrespected. I'm not sure how else I can speak this truth and don't understand why he doesn't get it?? I'm going to wait and pray and am open to any one else who has more experience here and appreciate your shares.
I'm sorry this is happening. A boundary isn't to control the other person, it's our own vow to ourselves about what to do if/when the other person does something we don't find acceptable. In my experience, they will routinely violate boundaries. That's why we make boundaries - so we're not hurt or put to trouble by their behavior. I think of boudaries in terms of "If he ______, then to protect myself I will ______." For instance it sounds like your boundary was "If he doesn't come in the kitchen and help with making dinner, I won't serve him any dinner." So then you don't expect him to come and help - for one thing, the first thing they will do is violate the boundary to see if we mean it. After that (in my experience), they will often violate the boundary just because their lives are chaotic and irresponsible. But that simply means that he doesn't get served his dinner. He'll probably be really irritated about it, in an effort to get you to change back. But it is what it is - he made his decision.
About the kids watching unacceptable TV, that sounds as if you'll have to think what kind of a boundary you can levy. Maybe the kids will have to go to their rooms or come into the kitchen. But the thing to keep in mind is that we can't control the A. (If we could, we'd have figured out how already.) So the boundary has to protect you whether or not he cooperates.
Thanks Mattie. I guess I'm still learning how to handle the "what to do now" part of the program. I'm realizing I don't know a whole lot about how to protect myself. I guess this is where the rubber meets the road.
I agree with Mattie - the intent of a boundary in recovery is for self-protection - values, body, mind and soul. Rules are different IMO and I understand how you feel disrespected.....that is to me a given based on what you've written. The sadness and anger may be 'on you' - something to consider.
I do agree also that it sounds so frustrating. So, what are your next steps for self-care? What do you do now? I suggest that you chat with your sponsor about boundaries and there might be adjustments necessary.
In my life, dealing with my A(s) is at most times like dealing with a teen-ager. I get this as they are about that mature based on when they began using. I tend to not expect too much and roll with it as best as possible. When I feel over-payed and under-appreciated, I step up my program work, make a gratitude list, talk with my sponsor or go to lunch with a program friend. A meeting is always a great choice too - helps me remember that I am not alone (even when I feel like it).
(((Hugs))) - this will pass and you will get through it! Keep working your program and peace will follow!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can relate to this Jenny, and as Mattie said, the first part of the boundary is relatively easy. If you don't help make dinner, you don't get dinner. I found, he never came around and continued to not do what I had said I required of him if I was to keep serving him dinner. Eventually it became a habit that I cooked for myself and my child only and he was not welcome to partake in the meal. It seemed sad at first and then it just became normal and necessary for my serenity. He fed himself with instant noodles and the like. He preferred that to eating a good meal and having to wash a few dishes or chop a few vegetables. OK. His choice.
The other part for me required making a space in the house where I could feel confident that my child was safe. So I created a second living area (and then when we lived in a smaller residence it was my bedroom) where there was a television and a desk and since he couldn't be trusted to keep the living room child-appropriate, that was where my child watched TV and relaxed when he was at home. And he huffed and puffed and carried on about how he was being "excluded" but he still refused to respect any of the boundaries I had drawn for myself or my child so, he got to feel excluded and we got to feel safe and self-assured. It wasn't ideal and it wasn't 'fair" since I paid the majority of the rent and yet we had to be in a smaller room whole he drank and puked his way around the living room, but it was better than the alternative.
When I was first learning how to create and understand boundaries, someone described it to me as shooting lines in the floor with a machine gun. "I don't care what you do, but on this side of the line, my rules apply". Ridiculous, but that visualisation worked for me.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thanks Meliss. It's funny how such a small seemingly insignificant event can create real awareness if I reach out to others and use my tools. What I'm finding is that I make a lot of assumptions even though I think I'm not. I assume he is aware of his behavior and our repeated conversations about the boundary. He lacks awareness in that moment. I can't change that. I instead need to find an alternative to the merry go round conversation ( repeating it over and over ) and instead do what I know is healthier. First, say how I feel ( it's on me for sure ) " I feel concerned for my children when they watch adult content on television." Then say what I want or need "I want you to turn it off - and I realize I cannot make you do that". Then a description of the actions I have control over "If you continue to watch I will remove the kids and myself and we will watch a family show in another room". It seems so simply when I write it - wish it were that easy in the moment.
-- Edited by LedfootJenny on Thursday 24th of September 2015 04:09:30 PM
I struggled with this topic, too; it is a challenging one. Mattie, Iamhere, and miss dropped some really solid ESH that is very helpful. If you have the daily readers, there are some helpful 30-second reminders under the topic Boundaries in C2C (p.345) and H4T (p.311) that I found particularly helpful as well. Hang in there
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
