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I'm struggling with determining what issues are related to alcohol and what are just issues that have noting to do with it. MY AW and I have been married for about 4 years and during our dating and early part of our marriage she was just heavily drinking (but not quite totally uncontrollable) several things happened to hurt my trust with her. They relate to ex boy friends (old letters, Facebook, emails) and while there was nothing close to any full on affairs (no face to face meetings or calls at all), there were things that really bothered and hurt me. Things that I've repeatedly brought up with her and told her its something I can't live with. So she went to rehab for a week early in the year and came back with a list of fellow rehabbers. The only ones I recall reaching out to her or vice versa were guys. I told her I don't accept that and I'm pretty sure AA teaches the same. So move along several month and she goes to a 35 day facility. Great place..they separate most of the time the men and women to make talking easier. She gets a lot out of it and comes home talking about how great her girlfriends were. She comes home Sunday and jumps on Facebook Monday to connect with her "support group". Mostly women but I note there are guys again. She tells me she wasn't close to any guys there but they just all friend everyone since they all went through a shared experience. Once again, she know how much it hurts me from many examples in the past. So in my mind I think, not big deal to friend the guys....HUGE deal for husband...lets skip friending the guys. I bring it up and tell her I am working on many, many things (going to Al Anon, reading books,etc) to make me a better person but the one thing I won't budge on is her interacting with guys in this way. Maybe you feel its innocent and stupid but to me it hurts and doesn't allow me to regain any trust in you. So fast forward one hole day. I come home from work and she is panicked. She went to get coffee and ended up buying cigarettes and sitting in the parking lot of a liquor store. She says she didn't get any drinks but is very upset and panicked....to the point where I couldn't exactly be sure she didn't drink. So I tell her its great she didn't drink and urge her to call some of her friends from the latest rehab. So she goes out back and calls a few. She comes back in and I ask how it went and who she was able to talk to and she names a few of the girls from her facility. Later in the night I see she called one of the guys from her first facility. I'm struggling with this being a basic marriage issue or a drinking issue. I'm getting better and letting go of things (kids annoying me, traffic, my wife smoking, etc) but when does an issue become an issue and not something to learn to live with but make a decision whether you can live with it or not? I know there isn't a real answer but curious what people think.
Glad you are attending alanon and reading the literature. Keeping the focus on your recovery, living one day at a time trusting HP works.
Alanon is a spiritual program and I found that the Spiritual truth that what I needed to know I would know without any investigations on my part was very true and freeing.
Believing that I was powerless over people as alanon suggests, I was able to understand that no matter what, I could not force my will on anyone else. It was just a waste of my time, energy and serenity to attempt this type of control
AA and alanon suggests that same sex contact same sex however if someone can connect with a person of a different sex it is workable. I had a male sponsee in alanon for many years.
Please keep coming back and working your program There is hope.
Thank you for those words. I do need to learn to keep it in perspective and maybe differentiate the past from the present...and only worry about the present. I'm pretty comfortable about knowing I can't control the drinking but I'm struggling with basic relationship issues. I don't see it as controlling as much as give and take that we both have to do. I HATE smoking but i'm willing to live with it temporarily if it helps her program.
I am a double winner - both AA & Al-Anon. I can say that it is recommended that sponsors should be same sex and girl-boy relationships should be set aside for at least a year (in AA). These are of course guidelines, and it depends upon the individual how they are followed. I guess that applies to any/all suggestions in both sides of the program.
I married a person in recovery. That was almost 25 years ago. He relapsed and is still active and I stayed sober. I knew going into the marriage that he had cheated on his previous wife. He suggested that would not happen. I am quite sure I don't know if he has/has not; and based on all the other drama/chaos we've had in our marriage, nothing would surprise me.
I posted last night or earlier today about projecting my values onto another. It just doesn't work. Just because I am committed to my marriage, believe in honesty, don't like flirting, practice integrity, and am a faithful and loyal person - doesn't make anybody around me the same. I can't wish them to align their values like I have - they either are or are not....
In any situation, my peace of mind and serenity comes from finding the value in the person in spite of where we differ. If she's calling guys for the right reason or the wrong reason, what are you going to do? I guess - working for self-peace suggests that since you have no power or control over another person, you just need to work on you and trust that things will be as they are supposed to be.
Huge (((Hugs))) to you - living with people in early sobriety is like bringing home a new puppy - unpredictable and certainly never know if you will find a 'pile' unexpectedly. Focus on what is good vs. what is not so good. Stay in the moment and work on you. The answers and serenity will come to you if you keep focused on self!!
Keep coming back - at times like this in your life, a sponsor would be such a great tool. You can bounce your thoughts off in a heartbeat and get fellowship assistance on if it's a rational thought or a false expectation. Hang in there!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
That is some great advice. I should concentrate on what is right in our relationship, the fact that she went to rehab and went to a meeting last night. The she loves me and hasn't really cheated. The rest can come as she gets better and better. Perhaps I'm searching for perfection when pretty darned good would look great right now. :) I find it funny that you mentioned a new puppy. We are picking up a new dog from a shelter tonight. :) I'm not sure if its crazy or great but we both felt it could be a therapeutic thing for the entire family. The chaos from a dog is physical, the emotional affection could prove helpful to us both in these unsettled times. Thanks for the share, it really helped me.
I have a rescue dog - her name is Layla. For the first time ever, I rescued an adult dog......I am so lucky as she's so wonderful. I am not super young any more and after having her, I don't know if I could endure the puppy stage again.....but I am so happy for you all.
I am one of several here who believe our fur-babies are spiritual. She's taught me so much - it's hard to put into words. No matter my mood, she loves me. No matter how things go for her, she's happy when we 'see' her. She seems to be profoundly grateful for a chance at a better life and has genuinely blessed my life (and home) greatly.
She has, without doing anything special or different, diffused many a tense moments just by walking in the room and looking at us with her head cocked sideways. I love how our pets truly live for the moment, one exception for mine - upon awakening - she jumps straight up in the air for breakfast!!
I hope your adoption goes super!! Keep us posted on the new addition to the family. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I remember I felt I could not determine what was my issue, what was his issue from bad family and what was due to drinking until the drinking stopped. It all seemed mixed together... so the drinking never stopped and we did and now I'm happy.. all that "figuring things out was killing me" problem now is I"m just trying to "figure other stuff out"... so it may be me afterall... LOL it's okay I'll make it ... one day at a time but for sure without the alcohol
I am hearing issues all the way around. It's not an either/or thing. I am hearing dishonesty and early recovery/addict drama from her. AND I am hearing controlling/obsessing behaviors from you. Hence, the need for you both to have programs of recovery. You can't change her. She is either going to recover in her way or not. She is either going to bust boundaries regarding other men or not. The degree to which you are unhappy with and obsessing over her behaviors rather than accepting them or just walking a way...that's your problem. I presume you picked her as a wife for a reason. You love things about her. Yeah, it's normal to want some things to change about someone you love but if you married someone, you already made the decision to trust her and watch her grow and support her changing herself. If the change doesn't happen, or if the trust is completely gone, you have to then focus on the next right thing to do. For now, detachment is a good tool. She is very sick with alcoholism and that might kill her. Her being a flirt or whatever isn't going to result in her death. If you expressed your opinion once, twice, or more and you guys haven't resolved things, it's falling on you that you are obsessing over someone that isn't changing. Detach.
We picked her up Friday afternoon and had a great weekend! She was so worn out from playing with my wife and I and our kids that she slept through the night three straight nights...or at least didn't bark. I really like what you had to say about dogs and diffusing the situation. It really is hard to enter the room with any agenda when a little dog looks at you and wags her tell and runs up to you. We kind of both had a common distraction and for a weekend at least, it was great. It brought the entire family (which is blended) together which was nice.
Thanks for your words. They gave me some pause...in a good way. My initial reaction was to defend my wife as I don't think she flirts. I think the things that happened were when she was in a really bad place..just reaching out for anything that made her feel good about herself. While I hated it and don't think it should ever happen again, I guess having someone spell it out makes we want to defend her. Perhaps its wishful thinking but I also think I need to accept flaws in people that are struggling. Even if the flaws hurt me. I've accepted her temporary smoking to aid in her recovery which is big for me. And she's taken steps to make me more comfortable so you are right, I chose my wife because I love her. And I need to work on my own strength and issues and give her a chance to earn back my trust. Because what she did is not ok, but it wasn't something irreversible and it was done by someone who was really struggling. And by someone who in just one week after being back has strengthened so much. So thank you for the reality check. I appreciate it.
So glad your new addition is a blessing!!! There is something so very mystical yet powerful about loving an animal and rescuing them from an unknown future. And - you are absolutely right - it is so very difficult to hold onto any negativity with a cute, smiling wiggling body wagging it's tail as it's so excited to see you and everyone!
I hope your newest continues to bring peace and harmony. (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
