The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My abf keeps talking to me about getting legally married. I am confused about this as I do not believe getting legally married will change anything. He has a strong belief in god however continues to binge drink. He will go for 2 days straight and longer if he is off work. He was drinking the day before after work and did not make it to work the next day. He went yesterday and was dead tired. ( He is in camp and we do talk daily), and last night he was very tired and said he could not talk as he is tired. Hungover is more like it. He is off work this weekend and I dread it as I expect him to be drinking. When he drinks, its talk non stop and it drives me nuts. He will not shut up. I have walked out of the room and he will talk to himself and then when he does pass out, as soon as he is awake he will reach for the bottle once again and the cycle will start all over again. He will be off work on Monday, start work again Tuesday and he said he wants to go to the court house and get his divorce certificate. His goal is to get married by Christmas. He says we can not continue to just live together and that if this continues into the new year, we need to separate. He says god will bless us if we get married...ya right.....bless me with more misery you mean. The guy was legally married and divorced 3 times and wants to get married again? We have been together for almost a year and half and its been a roller coaster. I just do not want to make another dreadful mistake as I was married and divorced 2x myself to practicing alcoholics. I feel so mixed up as I know I love him but yet, I just do not see him taking an active role in his recovery (was sober for 13 years prior and had a slip that has now been going on 5 years). I think he is delusional. He is aware he has abandonment issue but he has not dealt with it. I have been working on myself a lot and praying for guidance as to what to do. I have not done anything in preparation for this so called wedding he wants to have by Christmas. He says I get cold feet when we talk about getting married but I am just being realistic. What is going to change? I know Christmas will mean the drunk of all drunks...2 weeks straight. It was like this last year. I keep saying to myself, look at behavior, not the words. I am so mixed up about this wedding deal. A part of me says yes, another part says no. A part of me says I can trust him another part says no. What I do not understand is why is the alcoholic so insistent on getting legally married? What is wrong with just waiting and let things unfold as it should? Is he just looking for a mother to babysit him? Marriage is a lot of work and even putting together a wedding is a lot of work and a financial pain. I am not jumping and making preparations at this time. I did tell him he needs to help me organize this if he wants and so far, no help. I am not going to stress myself out over this and prepare for weeks on end only to have another divorce. As well, I am sick and unable to work at this time. I do hope I get better soon. I nearly died in April of this year (on life support) and he was there and did show up at the intensive care 2x and he had been drinking. I was not impressed. Any feedback would be great.
The best feedback I can give you is to read back over what you wrote here as if it's your best friend talking/writing to you.
What would you say to him/her?
As for me, I would not get married because that's what another wants - alcoholic or not. I would only get married if it's what I wanted and if it's what I felt was the best next step for my life and happiness.
As a result of working this program, I have learned to put my own serenity and joy above other's. I have also learned that I can advocate for myself with grace and dignity and say what I mean without saying it mean.
Lastly, I will offer my favorite tool of late - write about it (journal or step work), talk about it (sponsor or trusted program friend) and pray about it (answers from HP will come).
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Joker))) I appreciate the fact that he was supportive during your recent illness and that is indeed noble.
I understand that marriage is a equal partnership between 2 people who love each other and at best is extremely difficult. I would never again venture into a marriage with an active alcoholic. The disease is progressive and chronic and even with alanon tools I would not be willing to endure the challenges that surface a a result of such a union.
I would list the pros and cons of this marriage , pray about it and listen to the still small voice within.
((Joker)) You sound like you have some really clear insight into your situation. At the beginning of your post you said that you were confused, but as I read it - it seems to me that you have valid points, a history from which to draw reference, and an understanding about what your needs are (and that they aren't being met at this time).
There is nothing wrong with taking things one day at a time to see what unfolds. I encourage you to take good care of yourself as you heal and re-coop. I think with time and the tools of this program you will sort through this with the help of HP to determine what is right for you and your relationship.
Joker, I believe the the Al-anon program works for those of us you have had to live with another's alcohoic disease and I also believe that if I have doubts about anything, it is my cue to wait and examine before I make a definite decision. "When in doubt, wait", is a good slogan.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown