The material presented
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level.
Hello all! I'm new here and searching for any words of wisdom/advice I can get from my situation. I'm sorry that this will be kind of long. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for 3 years. It's actually hard to say exactly how long because we never really ended our relationship. He just kind of faded away. My dad passed away last July after battling Parkinson's for several years. My ex was always around my family and seemed to really have a hard time dealing with my dad's illness as his condition rapidly declined the last few months of his life. My dad's funeral was actually the last time I saw him. He began to withdraw from everyone he loves and eventually stopped calling/texting me every day. It went down to a text here and there and some phone conversations around Christmas. Every time he'd text me he'd tell me how much he missed me. We'd say we'd want to see each other, but then he'd always flake out. He also has bipolar disorder and was not on medication. He would just drink alone in his apartment from the time he got home from work to the time he went back. I worried about him constantly and had tried to help him before, but came to realize he could only save himself. He ended up checking into rehab in March. He wrote me a letter while he was there that said I was the love of his life, his best friend, and he would do everything in his power to deserve my love. He promised he would make things right with me. He said he was so sorry and felt so guilty for what he put me through-not being there when I needed him the most. I was full of hope reading his letter and believed we could make things work. I still loved him and missed him every single day. When he got out of rehab first of April, he was texting me every day. He told me he missed life and me in it. He wanted to see me and we set a tentative day to get together. We never made it to that point because he abruptly stopped communicating with me again. I tried to text him a couple times with no response. I didn't get angry or upset. I realized he had been through a lot and probably just needed time. A couple weeks later, I was looking at Facebook and a picture of him and another girl popped up in my newsfeed!! I felt like the air had been sucked out of me! I was devastated-didn't sleep at all that night. Of course, he didn't answer when I tried to call and didn't respond to my texts. We never officially broke up and never had a conversation about our relationship. Neither one of us ever said we wanted it to end. I sent him messages telling him how I felt about him and still no response. He had moved into a sober house after rehab, but only stayed there a few weeks. I found out he moved in with this new girl. I think they met on tinder, of all places! His parents didn't even know where he was living and he hadn't been in communication with them since he got out. I found out last week that he's moving to Florida at the end of October with this girl (she's from there) and that they are now engaged. I'm completely heartbroken and shocked that he could do this to me. He always said I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I feel like he's just running away and not dealing with his real life. He's replacing his addiction with this girl. I know that she has taken him to bars and drinks in front of him. I can't say for sure that he is sober, but I hope so. In my opinion, he's worse off now than he was when he was drinking. I think he's making terrible decisions-meeting some strange girl straight out of rehab, not staying at the sober house, moving in with the strange girl after a few weeks, moving to Florida with her and getting engaged after only knowing her since April? Am I wrong thinking this? This is crazy and makes absolutely no sense! He should be focusing on getting better. I do think it's obvious he is running from his real life. I'm trying so hard to stay positive and not let it consume my thoughts. It's so hard when you see the person you love most in the world making such bad choices in life and there isn't a thing you can do about it! I've lost 25 pounds since this whole thing started in May. I miss him so much, even though he's hurt me more than I ever thought I could hurt. Any thoughts on what is going on here?
Welcome MissBrightside I am so pleased that you found our site and have shared your deep concerns and pain. You are not alone as I can easily identify with your experience.
Alcoholism is a chronic progressive threefold disease that can be arrested but never cured. Stopping drinking addresses the physical aspects of the disease and AA, and Rehabs attempt to address the spiritual and emotional portions It is all a process and it is suggested to new AA members that in early recovery they should be careful in relationships.
Living with this disease we too require a program of recovery so we can regain or self esteem, self worth and learn how to re focus our attention on our own selves-- Alanon is that program Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is found in the white pages.There is hope. Please keep coming back.
MBS, welcome to MIP!! Betty has given you the best advice ever. Please consider joining a local Al-anon group, it will do wonders! http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings So glad you found MIP and shared with us and please keep coming back because you are not alone.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Thank you, hotrod and Debb! It's comforting to have this support during this time. Sometimes it feels like this hurt will never go away. My ex and I have such wonderful memories together and it's so hard to let go. I keep thinking that if only he could have just talked to me, things might be a little easier. Things were just left so unfinished between us so it's hard to accept it's over. I know that it's time to focus on myself and being my best. It's hard to do that sometimes when I'm hurting so much. :(
Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you found the courage to share.
I hear your pain and concerns and am so sorry that you are affected by this disease. It sounds to me as if he's moving on with his life, right, wrong or indifferent. My experience is that relationships are difficult to begin with. When the disease of alcoholism is involved, it's just so unpredictable and the challenges can be magnified - both the good and the bad.
I agree with Debb & Betty above me - engage yourself in this program of recovery so that you can heal and learn to love yourself above anybody else. I've learned in this program that I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. I am powerless over other people, and the best I can do is work on me to heal and seek peace.
So glad you are here and you aren't alone. We've all been hurt by the disease of alcoholism and learn to keep the focus on 'us' vs. 'them'. Keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you, Iamhere! You are absolutely right. Working on me is the best I can do to heal. I'm trying to keep my mind busy and stay active. I have to have faith that there will come a day when I will wake up and it won't hurt anymore. Right now, the pain is so severe that I sometimes doubt I will ever be whole again. All I can do for now is keep moving forward.
I can hear your pain through the writing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a good old fashion cry!!! For me, that's been very healing at times when I wondered if the pain would get better. I truly hope you can find good program friends too - they've been a lifeline for me like no other...
(((Hugs))) to you! It will get better - in God's time!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
