The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The C2C reading for September 23 speaks about "reacting "to situations instead of taking the time to process what is going on and then "responding" with our principles intact.
Prior to program., the reading points out that many of us respond" in kind", to behavior that is directed at us. If someone is rude and insults us, we are rude and insulting back to them-- it never dawned on us to behave any differently.
The reading suggest that we are powerless over people places and things and that we do have power over selves and how we respond to situations.
We do not have to permit others behavior and attitudes to flavor our own principles. If we have principles to treat everyone with courtesy and respect regardless of what they say or do, we will stick with these "principles above personalities" and not react to the insanity about.
We do not have to accept unacceptable behavior and can begin by refusing to accept our own negative reactions . We can choose to behave courteously and with dignity.
The quote is from Al-Anon is for Adult Children of Alcoholics:; "my freedom and independence do not depend on any act of defiance or confrontation. They depend on my own attitudes and feelings. If I am always reacting then I am never free."
What an important gift this concept was!!!.. Once I accepted the fact that reacting was simply another way that I hurt myself by giving my power away. I learned instead to breathe deeply, say the serenity prayer, process my feelings and what was really going on before I spoke. What a truly great difference this made in my life.
I had an experience of using this particular tool this weekend in an Al-Anon meeting. The meeting is held in a d government facility and we are often screened as you are at an airport in order to enter. This has been the practice for many years and if we want to hold our meeting in a lovely free conference room we have complied.
This weekend one member, was very vocal in her refusal to comply, insisting that she was an American citizen, a tax payer and had the freedom to go where she choose since she owned thebuilding she paid for with her taxes. Security immediately decided no one was going to gain access into the meeting and blocked our meeting room door.
Using this particular tool, not reacting, suggesting that the particular member allow me to negotiate, we were granted a meeting room on a different floor-- provided we all agreed to protocol. About 20 people, waiting to attend the meeting agreed, and so all is well that ends well for this week. Security advised that they would bring this issue up with administration for future action.
I, instead of reacting lashing out , judging, criticizing others, I wrote a constructive email to the government administrator , explaining the issue and asking for support.
I thank you Al-Anon for teaching me that reacting "in kind" is extremely destructive .A positive, constructive action helps to keep my principles in place, regardless of the outcome. I will keep you informed as to the outcome of this issue.
Betty - thanks for your lovely ESH and example of this situation. This reading is spot on - I used to give power of my actions, emotions and reactions to others. All they had to do was talk 'at me wrong' and I was ready for a verbal battle. It is through the grace of this program where I have learned it doesn't have to be that way! I can choose happiness and grace over reactive banter any time I want, so long as I keep my tools close by.
I love the quote and feel it's so appropriate. For me, there has been so much freedom in learning and acting a different way. I have a funny share that goes well here too -
I sent my AH with our grandson in my AH's car over to my son's home Monday evening. The hope was they could play with all the new toys acquired from the weekend birthday party and by the time my son and his fiance got home from work/school, the baby would be ready sooner to go to bed.
So, after about 10 minutes, my AH calls me and he's furious. He wanted to know why I gave the baby a bag with cupcakes as they were now smashed all over his car and the baby? I told him I put a bag on the floor from a birthday party they had for him at Day Care, and wasn't aware there were cupcakes in it. I also asked how the baby got the bag as he should be buckled into the car seat.
He yelled at me and hung up. So, I sat here for a second/minute/while and then gracefully called him back. He was too angry to answer so I left a message suggesting I would be happy to come help clean up the mess/baby/car if he needed or wanted help.
He called back 30 minutes later, and said it was OK and that he was angry because the baby was crying while they were stuck in some traffic on the highway.
By changing the way I reacted to his anger, it was diffused and all was well. This is not how I would have answered/responded before the program - I would have defended myself and probably not offered help. What a gift Al-Anon is - so grateful for this program!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you as well Betty for today C2C reading. I am thinking that it has to be one of the most important principles, besides detaching, in Al-anon. I am constantly using this principle all day. It has helped me to be able to calm it down and not respond in kind, as described. I work in public health and am on the phone and service walk-in residents of 8 towns and it can get very tricky on a minute to minute basis. I come home less drained and much happier for sure!! {{HUGS To You And IAH}}
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 01:12:07 PM
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Security immediately decided no one was going to gain access into the meeting and blocked our meeting room door.