The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new here, as it has become glaringly obvious that my kids dad has chosen alcohol over his family.
Heres a brief history:
I am a mom of 2 little guys (ages 2 1/2 and 4 months old). We got pregnant by surprise and I wasn't working when I found out I was pregnant. we moved in together and decided to give things a shot for the sake of our son. By the time our oldest son was 5 months old, my BF (now ex bf) got trashed and took his motorcycle out for a joy ride. Without a helmet. That little stunt landed him in the ICU for bleeding in the brain, and we had a "come to jesus" chat before I allowed him to come home. He promised he was done drinking (he has a very heavy history of alcohol/driving issues), and we were going to therapy for a while to sort through things. I feel like he just sort of went through the motions, but it is what it is. Fast forward to present day. Right before I gave birth to our second child, he confessed to me that he had been lying about his 'not drinking' (so, basically for a year and a half he was lying to me). I asked him why he chose to confess when he did,and he mumbled something about his friend and his wife not having any secrets, he wanted to have our relationship like that, etc etc etc. We've had a really tough time lately, he decided to start his own business because he doesn't like "working for the man", and its taken a major toll. IF he's here, he's in his workshop drinking and 'working'. He doesn't help with the kids-at all- even when I nag him about it. Occasionally he will help me out with their bedtime routine, but thats a super rare occurrence. He is a very high functioning alcoholic. The bills usually get paid (rarely on time, but they eventually get paid), he goes to work every day, we have food to eat, etc.
When he's here and sober, he's a great dad who loves his boys, its just rare that he's actually ever here when they are awake. I've finally had enough and so I drew a line in the sand. I told him the boys, dogs and I were moving out (we currently live in a house that he owns) if he didn't agree to 3 things. 1.) stop drinking for 2 months minimum (he refuses to admit that he has a drinking problem, this was kind of my test to him to prove that to me if its really the case), 2.) spend more time with the boys and 3.) work on his follow through (thats a whole other story). I gave him a day to think about it and when I went to talk to him about it again last night, he was drinking in his workshop-again. I said "so, I guess you're not on board with the whole 'proving you're not really an alcoholic' thing." His response was "I've thought about it, I enjoy having a few beers at night (he drinks a minimum of 3 tall cans=a six pack each night), and you're just trying to change me. You don't really want to be with me-the me I am right now, you only want to be with me-the me you want me to be". So I said "So, what you're telling me is that you are willing to lose your family just so you can 'enjoy your 6 pack every night' ". Since actions speak louder than words, he agreed.
I am currently in school and should finish by the end of June, and I have a place to move to starting January. But until then, I am stuck living in his house. He doesn't drink around the boys (That has been a number 1 no no since day one, and he understands that is not something I will allow anymore).
I am not sure what I'm looking for. Advice? Support? tips for living with him until I am able to move out?
Honestly, the only way I will even consider not moving out with the boys is if he can truly quit drinking for a minimum of 2 months. He is in such denial, I don't even know where to begin (and I know that he likely wouldn't care or agree even if I did) showing him that he really does have a problem and needs help.
My experience is that a person who is an alcoholic has to want to change or want help. This of course only comes with realizing they have a problem.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease and it's not curable. It can be arrested through a recovery effort/program, but the disease is larger than drinking/not drinking. It affects actions, thoughts, emotions, etc. It progresses to the point where the person doesn't even realize 'it' is in control.
Enough about that. I agree with Debb that Al-Anon would serve you well. The disease affects those of us who live with and/or love an alcoholic. It makes us act and react different than we would in normal circumstances, and robs of of self-worth, self-esteem and often sanity.
You can join Al-Anon and learn more about the disease as well as explore if it's for you. It certainty can't hurt as you're kind of at a cross-roads right now any ways...
So - keep an open mind, learn all that you can and know that we're all here for you. You are not alone and we're glad you've found us and joined us.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Moving Forward (Love your log on name) By attending school, you are certainly developing additional tools to "move forward" Alanon face to face meetings will be a perfect fit so as to give you the constructive tools to move forward with courage, serenity and wisdom.
Try a face to face meeting. I think that is the best place to start if you can get to one. AS everyone else has already said, an alcoholic needs to want to get help and realize he/she has a problem. It sounds like he is still in denial a bit. Welcome to the Board.
