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This is probably a silly question to ask and I know I shouldn't be trying to analyze my AH's behavior anyway, but dang it, I just want to try to understand.
My AH seems to be avoiding real responsibility. Of course when I type it out it seems so obvious that it IS an alcoholic trait.
My AH graduated from a master's program in May and has since then been "promised" an entry level job at the university where he studied. His advisor offered him this position, to start at the end of August, when he told her he was having finding trouble finding anything else - the reality being he applied to very, very few jobs (like maybe 3?) and took so long applying that the positions were filled before he even got his resume in (like he'd find a job posting and then apply 3 weeks later because he was busy doing "other things".)
Come to find out, he is STILL not on the payroll at the university. He kept telling me it was because HR hadn't contacted him, or the paperwork hadn't gone through yet, or whatever. Each week it is something new. Early last week he said the department head had just informed him that legally they had to post the job opening (this is true, I understand this) and that he needed to supply a resume and letters of recommendation in order to get the official hire. He did submit his resume but he hasn't really done much to secure the letters of recommendation. He just keeps dragging his feet. He'll tell me he emailed this person or that person to ask, but they haven't gotten back to him, and he doesn't follow up. He had one professor who said he'd be happy to do it if AH could send him some more information about the work he'd been doing. It took AH over a week to get back to him with the information. So now it's like 9 days after being told he needed 3 letters and he's got 1.
I just don't understand what the delay is. It's like he'll purposely keep himself busying doing other things that don't matter all that much and NOT do the things that are important. For example, he could easily go over to his previous place of employment and ask for a letter in person (it's seriously like 5 mins from where we live) but he'll spend a couple hours doing something like tuning up his bike or doing laundry and then say he "ran out of time today" to go there. Like...what the heck??? You can work on your bike or clean the house any time but you haven't had a paycheck or health insurance in a month! Come on! Prioritize!!
Also, there are plenty of other, higher paying jobs that he's qualified for and could apply to, but he just doesn't. He'll find a job posting or I'll point one out to him and he'll say it looks good and he'll apply, but again, he procrastinates by doing other non-essential things and then a month has gone by and he says it's "too late" to apply. Again, what the heck?? Seriously, you have a resume together already, it takes maybe an hour to draft a cover letter...you could easily apply to a job per day, even per week if you wanted to so WHY???
I'm so frustrated and stressed out. My job covers maybe 75% of our monthly expenses, and we have a bit of a cushion so we can pay our bills for a couple months if he has no income, but it can't go on like this indefinitely. And I don't understand why he would want it to.
Is he scared of responsibility or failure if he does start working? That's my best guess but ugh. I would at least want him to get a low pressure job, even as a cashier or bagger at the grocery store, just so we have another source of income. UGH.
I don't know if I am qualified to say too much about this, but I can say from my own experience that my AH has a hard time taking on new challenges and responsibilities. He took an early medical retirement at age 52 and he was experienced enough to go take on any number of jobs from there that would not aggravate his medical situation but I believe the fear of change and the fear of interviewing (he had NEVER done that before. He was hired at 14 by his dad and continued to work as the company grew and was sold, etc.) kept him from exploring any of those opportunities. I offered up my advice, assistance, the assistance of friends who were qualified resume writers, etc and there was ALWAYS some reason why it wouldn't work or he couldn't do it. I finally gave up trying to coerce him into making a move and figured out how to meet the financial obligations without his contribution beyond his pension. Pensions have no benefit of cost of living raises. Pensions offer no overtime or chance of advancement. Thank God we have that to help us, but we could have so much more. I realize as his drinking progresses, his world gets smaller. I am thankful for what he does at home while I work and he does cook meals, but as far as finances go, he will not leave his cocoon of home where it is safe and he can drink in peace. He doesn't have to adhere to anyone else's procedures and he doesn't have to punch a clock. I tell myself he worked hard and deserves to relax, but man his choice of hobbies for retirement are not what I would choose. Not my monkeys, not my circus I guess!!
I wish you luck as you travel this path. It sounds like your AH is young enough that he can't just check out and waste all that education. But you may have to accept that you will not be able to force him to move before he is ready...
Keep swimming!! :)
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Aloha Reality..."Is he scared of responsibility or failure if he does start working?" Years ago my sponsor told me to check out the ending of my rant and I would find the solutions there....Yeppers...for your alcoholic it seems he is afraid of (????). My sponsor also told me to number the amount of "Is" I had in my rant to see where my control issues were centered. The last one was the hard one and most telling because program teaches Live and let Live, Let go and let God, Easy Does It and many other very very difficult self control behaviors. Your alcoholic knows what is going on with him and he doesn't like it and it isn't easy to change which is one of our largest complaints also. Best I could say was, "I know...I understand...you'll find the solution". What is the enablers trait? Keep coming back (((((Hugs)))))
Hey Bethany, sounds like you can really relate! I'm glad you were able to find a way to keep afloat financially once your AH stopped working. My AH does take care of things around the house as well, doing cleaning and laundry and sometimes cooking, and it is nice, but it would be nicer if we could work as a team on those things and also each contribute financially, ya know? I understand I can't force him to make a move, I guess I am just trying to have more sympathy and understanding for why he won't right now.
Jerry, it is true that there are control behaviors from me at play, even though I know that I can't control him. It is very hard to "Live and let live" though when in actuality, his job situation (or lack thereof) directly affects our livelihood. It think it'd be easier for me to let it go if we could survive off of my income alone, but we can't. I am working full-time, in school part-time, and running a business on the side so I truly can't do much more for us unless I withdraw from school, close my business, and change jobs. For my own mental health I will not do that. It's just so hard to say "I understand" and "You'll find the solution" when we may be facing not having a roof over our heads.
At rehab my AW was told that the alcoholic tends to arrest maturity at wherever they started drinking. Once they stop, they start back again at that maturity level and have to work their way up from there. I don't konw if that its really true, but my limited experience in the field echoes this theory.
My experience is that consequences don't really worry the alcoholic. They don't plan ahead much and they live in the moment. That's one reason they don't think ahead and see what disasters are going to occur as a result of their drinking, their getting in the car drunk, etc. Because if they could take it seriously, they'd change their behavior, wouldn't they? But there's a kind of magical thinking going on.
As a former therapist Kenny that is right on...Alcohol misuse, abuse and addiction arrests maturity. Consider that the first place that alcohol always gets to and enters is the brain at the central nervous system everything else is affected. The psychological profile of the alcoholic is that we are "risk takers" and that adds to the understanding of limited maturity...we act or try to act without the awareness and experience necessary to do the tasks. Yes they need to learn and again that becomes the starting point and not the "left off" point. Sitting in open AA meetings can teach us a lot about what goes on with them if we are interested.
Mattie the alcoholic personality very often is one of not accepting reality and since alcoholism is a progressive disease not often do they "get it" right aware and over a longer period of time like we do. This is truly a sucky disease...also a fatal one. (((((hugs)))))
If it is true that the alcoholic stops maturing when they begin to drink then I guess he stopped maturing somewhere in college, but even after college he did have steady, well-paying jobs, so it's confusing. I'm stuck on the idea that he's afraid of failure.
And if he does just need to start to mature again once he sobers up (and hopefully stays sober - he's 8 days in after his relapse) then I suppose I have to decide whether I can be patient and wait it out.
Yes, it's a big decision. My wife was late 40s when she turned A. But there were a number of ways she was stuck at being 15-17, many of which she has now grown out of after having worked the steps in AA. it seemed like a long haul getting through that, but she has been an alcoholic for maybe about 6 years, 2 of which have now been in recovery. There are people here who have been through much longer, and many alcoholics never actually recover.
Keep coming back here, and going to F2F meetings to help you with that decision. Nobody in Al Anon will tell you what decision to make, but we will all share our experience, strength, and hope so that you will be able to make a more informed and thought-out decision.
