The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this forum and new to the Al-Anon community. I am reaching out to your community at a very stressful, and confusing time in my life . First I will give you a little back story:
In October of 2014 I met a guy that we'll call Irish (to protect his identity of course). I was a new to the dating game, as I had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship, and a few summer flings which I now consider rebounds. I met Irish at a bar, but he was the only one not drinking. He was extremely outgoing and we exchanged numbers. He called me the next day and asked to hang out. I appreciated how straight forward he was. A few weeks into us hanging out he told me that he was a recovering alcoholic and had 7 months of sobriety. I commended him for his honest and strength, and we made our relationship official soon after.
Being with Irish was unique. There was an honestly and realness about him. I was attracted to the serenity he had when just got out of a meeting. His optimism was contagious, and helped me through some rough times. I even went to a few open meeting with him. He was very affectionate with me, and made me feel very loved. But there was a dark side to Irish. A moody, restless, unsatisfied side. Being with him when he was like that was very lonely for me. Still I stayed patient, and tried to be a supportive partner. About 4 months into our relationship we got into an argument; he very abruptly told me he could not be in a relationship with me, said some very hurtful things, and didn't answer my calls for 5 days. On the 5th day I went to his house to drop off some of his things, and he invited me in. We decided we were going to make things work. And we did for some time. We have have had our ups and downs, and I have ignored the warning signs along the way.
11 months on the dot (just 2 days after his year and 1/2 sobriety) we got into an argument. I told him how selfish he was being, and how I didn't feel like I was getting what I needed in the relationship and suggested we take a break. Without skipping a breath, he told me he though we should break up for good, that he wasn't in love with me, but loved things about me, and was not ready to be in a committed relationship because of his "character defects" and flaws; and that he didn't know how long it would take him to get past that. He suggested that I move on with my life. I drove to his house to talk face to face, and he came to the door crying and locked me out of the house. He threatened that he would call the cops if I didn't leave, and went upstairs. I have not heard from him since.
This is a man I trusted with some much of myself. He is ignoring my calls and texts. I'm pretty sure he blocked me. I don't understand how someone who claims to love me could be so volitile. I feel desperate for answers, and feel like a fool for wanting to hear from him after he could hurt me like this.
Has anyone been through a similar experience? Any insight would be helpful. Thank you for your time.
Welcome Restless Soul, I'm so sorry to read of your recent experience and painful broken heart.There is help
Alcoholism is a threefold disease that affects the problem drinker, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Recovery from the disease takes time and effort. Stopping drinking is the first big step that addresses the physical part of the disease. Attending AA meetings and practicing the AA program addresses the spiritual and emotional. Your BF's actions seem very familiar with someone who is in early recovery in AA.
When I lived with this, I needed to remember that they are learning to live life without alcohol and experiencing emotions that they are not quite sure how to deal with. It sounds as if your friend is aware of his limitations.
I in order to address your pain, anxiety, and loss, I would suggest that you search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and attend. These meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is found in the white pages.
It is here that I developed new constructive tools to live by, while receiving the support love and understanding of those who had lived with the insanity that I experienced
You'll find that you are not alone and that there is hope. Please keep coming back here as well. You are worth it
Thank you so much for your kind words. It sounds like you have been through a lot yourself. I will definitely be utilizing to resources available to be on this difficult journey.
Yes. And I learned it was a mistake to date someone in their first year of sobriety who still doesnt know who they are yet. Sounds like you didn't know this ahead of time so you really can't fault yourself much. Sorry for your pain. It does sound like he was being honest...even in the break up.
It burns to lose a relationship where you trusted someone, but in adult relationships, that is a risk we take when allowing ourselves to love. I do believe "tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" but take this experience and learn from it too. Date guys who are on more stable ground and who are emotionally available. Not people brand new to sobriety that seem like exciting prospects because they are getting their lives together, but really they are not usually good long-term relationship material. At least not til they have a couple or a few years sober.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 21st of September 2015 10:07:06 PM
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 21st of September 2015 10:08:47 PM
Welcome to MIP Restless Soul. So sorry for your pain and so glad you are here!
I have nothing to add right now for ya, but did want to welcome you. You are not alone and we're all just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sorry you went thru that and couldn't help it or know it was and would happen. That is and was typical alcoholic insanity and I learned that when or if they mentioned a relationship (self or other) with alcoholism to back straight away because I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know what it was all about. It took me years to finally come to the realization I have now. Alcoholism is a ....disease..... of the mind body, spirit and emotions that cannot be cured; only arrested by total abstinence ...the definition goes on to say that we are as affected as the alcoholic in that we become as sick as they without the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality....Look up the AMA (America Medical Association) definition on alcoholism and it might give you some comfort that you wrestled the beast and while you feel loss and pain you are still whole. You also had the moxie to reach out for help from others who have been as deeply harmed by it. I hope you have the times and locations for Al-Anon face to face meetings in your area where we go to get and give help with each other. Keep coming back to MIP...we are family with strong long lasting recovery and you can have as much or all of it as you want. (((((hugs)))))
I welcome you as well RS, and am sorry for the anxiety and pain that you are experiencing. You are not alone, Betty and Jerry F gave you some very good guidance and information. The Al-anon program is for those of us who need recovery from the damage of the disease as well and you will find peace while working the steps and learning the slogans.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
oh Restless - I am so sorry that this has happened. I think many of us here understand the chaos and confusion and heart ache of this disease all too well. I will echo all the wonderful words of those who have much more time in the program than I do.
I would only add that as you take time for yourself and your healing and your program... you may notice he begins the "dance" (calling and texting you as he feels out of control that you are no longer on his electronic leash and paying attention to him by reaching out).
I only say this in reference to my own experience really. I wish I had been prepared for those potential outbursts, the roller coaster, "where are you, I love you, you need to call me, let's talk" behavior that will steal sanity in a heart beat. I wasn't prepared and was very confused by those tactics, only to find out later that they are classic controlling alcoholic behaviors and are just part of the disease.
Stay the course. you are so worth it! You have people here who understand and can support you and there are meetings with countless other friends in Alanon that you just haven't met yet!
. First I will give you a little back story: