The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
New here, have never joined a group. I have been married for almost 25 years with two grown children. My AH is a functioning one, but when he does drink its hurtful and we get into huge fights. Last night we got into one again. He works out of town and i see him on weekends. Right now i have no idea really how much he drinks when im not with him, I know he does during the week, i can tell on the phone that he has been. This weekend was a tough one, as usual i go out to spend weekend with him, won tickets to see some bands, regretting the decision to even take the tickets now. Told him last night "i hope its okay i go to bed before 11:30 i have to get up and drive at 4;30 to get back home to work. He tied into it last night, he was very intoxicated. When i told him at 11:15 i gotta go to bed, he flipped like a switch, he got all angry with me, said "i suppose you want me to come with you" and then went on saying im being such a bi**h! and some other few choice words. I told him stay, you want to stay, go ahead i need more than 4.5 hours of sleep. long drunken night story short,there was a lot of hurtful things said, and still feeling very hurt. Got up this morning to leave, (he slept on the couch). I said im leaving, waved goodbye, he got up says "figures". i could tell he was still pissed off at me. I left.
Im one to wear my heart on my sleeve, it was a good 2.5 hour cry home in the car. I wonder how i got here. I feel like im just stuck, to afraid to change things, to hurt to really go there and confront him yet again. He has a good way of turning it around on me, and then in the same breath saying thats what im doing to him(its just a crazymaking conversation). Last time we had a discussion regarding this he actually told me "i think you have problems, maybe you need medication". honestly just so sad about the whole thing today. Trying very hard to suck it all up and go through my day today without anyone knowing how hurt i really am. Especially hard on 4.5 hours of sleep!
Welcome Sandy, glad that you found us and had the courage to share with such clarity. I could readily identify with the confusion, pain-and-suffering of which you speak.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested and never cured.I discovered that I did not cause it (even if my hubby said I did) cannot control it and cannot cure it
Living with the disease of alcoholism is extremely unsettling to say the least. So that I found I needed support from a group of people who understood as few others could, so as to develop positive coping tools to live by.
Al-Anon was that organization. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number can be found in the white pages.
It was in Al-Anon that I developed the ability to focus on myself, live one day at a time, let go my fear of failure and restore my self-esteem. Breaking the isolation caused by living with the disease is extremely important.
I urge you to search out meetings and keep coming back you're worth it
((Sandy)) My AH use to do the same to me. Before he would ever start drinking I'd tell him, yeah, I'll go out but I need to leave at such and such, it was all fine then but once the drink came on I was a bad person for not wanting to stay. I just wanted you to know that I totally understand and that I am thinking about you. Keep coming back.
Sandy, welcome to MIP! I am glad you found us and sorry you are have such difficult times with your AH. Finding a local Al-anon meeting would be the best thing you can do for yourself right now. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings Alcoholism is a disease that, we cannot control, cure or cause. The addict has to make the decision on their own to get help. What you can do is get help for you via Al-anon. Please keep coming back. You are not alone.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I too welcome you to MIP. So glad you joined us and glad you found your courage to share.
The disease of alcoholism is progressive, and no matter what they feel/think, there is hope and a different way for those of us who live with or love an alcoholic.
That answer/program is Al-Anon. When I came here, I felt beat down, like a failure, broken, hurt, angry, etc. The qualifiers in my life persistently picked me apart so that they would not have to look at themselves. Al-Anon taught me tools to cope with them, and to cope with me and my feelings. One I got a little stronger, I became able and willing to advocate for myself through loving restraint and boundaries.
We also learn how to detach with love. The disease takes control of those who are affected and can make super great people be totally adverse unknowns. It's very much like a jekyll/hyde situation, at leat for my qualifiers.
So very glad you are here. Know that you are not alone and Al-Anon can help! Keep coming back and keep asking questions if you have them - someone here is only a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
