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So, I have had a wall up with my AH for the last 2 weeks since I told him I was not dealing with the drinking anymore. Well this weekend I began to slowly let it down, I kissed him a couple times, held his hand in bed, chit chatted some. Well last night he gets mad at me because I had our youngest child use our shower after he asked me why does everyone have to use our bathroom? Our youngest has always used it so I can help him, so I just said are you kidding me and stayed out in the living room all night. I go to bed and he's like so things are just going to be like this, you still mad at me, ect...I explained that I had been trying this weekend but that wasn't good enough. I don't show him I love him, I don't love him, all this after a pretty good weekend, so I thought. Then he goes on to say, I've done everything that you've wanted, stopped drinking, helping with folding clothes, dishes. He's done dishes maybe 10 times in 15 yrs, folded the clothes about the same and he's been dry for 2 1/2 weeks. He wants me to just get over it and move on, easier said then done. Then he tells me I am the only one that thinks he has a problem and that he doesn't. So I said, I can't force you to not drink so if he didn't think he had a problem he can do what he wants.
Now he says we don't need to talk about anything but the kids, I don't need to show him I love him. He says I've had a problem all of our relationship showing and that I obviously have never loved him. I do have a hard time showing it, I will admit, it's always been a struggle. I don't know why. I come from a very loving family, who doesn't have any issues showing their love but I do. I don't remember always being like this but I guess it's a wall I built up over the years?!
So how do I go about this? I know partially this is the alcoholism speaking but some of it is legit. I just need to know how I approach him later with all this. I am so confused and last night did not go real good. Voices were raised and I went on the defense.
Thank you all for listening. Really needed to vent. Hope this all makes sense.
Beth This is not unusual. We are not perfect. I found these walls as well and the alanon tool really helped. Being able to keep the focus on myself, examine my motives, let go of negative destructive attitudes such a judging, blaming and criticism all helped me to develop new constructive tools to live by. I was then able to let down the destructive walls that I unconsciously erected while living with this disease.
Meetings a Sponsor, the Steps, Slogans will all help.
My guess is that the walls are up because you feel you are emotionally not safe. I have been there many times. And looking back on it, each time I was right. I think every sober person would agree that with a drinking alcoholic you are not emotionally safe - their main concern is the bottle, and generally speaking they never learned how to deal with emotions and other people very tenderly. Your A has been dry for a small amount of time and knowing how powerful the disease is, you would be right to be cautious about whether he's really changed or whether this is just a temporary calm period before the insanity starts up again. Only a reckless, ill-advised person would let down all their barriers with that little sobriety, especially if there are years of pain and difficulty behind you. Not to say that it's good to be nasty or vindictive, just that it's understandable and sane to be properly cautious.
Also, is he working a formal program of recovery? If not, the possibility of relapse is so high that self-protection is in order. If he were working a formal program of recovery, I think some of the folks with more recovery would explain to him why he can't expect everything to be hunky-dory immediately like flipping a switch. That he has this unrealistic expectation shows how early in recovery he is. When they're drinking, their whole attitude is "My drinking is fine, and I will try to suppress everyone who says it isn't!" When they're dry and it's early on, their whole attitude is "My drinking WAS fine, and I will try to suppress anyone who says it wasn't!"
In truth, he should be beyond grateful that he's still got a partner around, after everything I'm sure you went through. Amends and humility are the order of the day. He's still trying to control things, isn't he? He still has an inability to handle the exterior world.
But we, the partners, also need our own recovery, so as not to be consumed by our natural anger and resentment. That's independent of what he wants. Working our programs with Al-Anon can give us the tools to do that.
No he is not in a program...He's in his own program, (I will show her I don't have a drinking problem, I'll leave whats left in the fridge and I won't drink), that's his program. He doesn't need therapy or AA, I am the only one that says he's got a drinking problem. 2 1/2 weeks ago, he said he had a problem, now he doesn't. He told me, "Therapy and your alcoholic support groups really helped you, why should I go?, you still don't love me." I just don't know how or what to feel anymore. I am living one day at a time and doing things for the kids and me... not him!
I'm sorry he is still so deep in his disease. If he thinks the only reason to stop drinking is to make you love him, he really doesn't understand the destructiveness of his choices. And if he really thinks that you can drink and destroy your relationship, and then take a two-week break and everything will be rainbows, he is sadly uninformed about human emotions. I know I'm preaching to the choir here and you know this as well as anybody. It is hard and frustrating, though, when you're dealing with someone with the understanding of a four-year-old. I can hear the old story getting ready, too - "I'm just drinking because you..." They like to off-load the responsibility onto us, and sometimes the whole thing is a set-up to do that. My A used to say, "I only stopped drinking because you have such a weird hang-up about it, but you kept on being dissastisfied, so now I have to drink because that's the only way to handle your weirdness." He didn't see any flaw in that logic at all. Such is the insanity of the disease. Sounds like you are taking good care of yourself. Do you have a meeting? It sounds like you might. More program and serenity is the only way to combat this frustrating thinking and resentment. (How ironic that he's so angry about you being angry at him! Right?)
Confused, working the steps and absorbing the slogans, helped me with the drama and chaos of the disease. It helped me understand that just about everything that is said by my AH that is contrary needs to be heard but not responded to. Plain and simply, I went about my business, spoke with him when necessary, but as soon as he became argumentative and contrary I quietly said that we would talk about that subject at a later time or just left the room/house. Eventually AH came to understand that the contrary behavior will not get him anywhere.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Oh, Beth, I feel like you're telling me my own story. I can totally empathize with you because I feel like I'm living in the same situation. My AH is (supposedly) working a program, but he totally could not understand why I wasn't immediately able to be affectionate, loving, and open as soon as he said he would stop drinking. He has said he feels like I am "punishing" him. Well, no, but after being lied to constantly for well over you, blamed for his problems, emotionally abused etc...you think it's going to take one phrase and I'll flip a switch and totally open myself back up to you? I don't think so! But it then becomes a vicious cycle of "Well, if you showed me you loved me, maybe I wouldn't feel like drinking so often." By the same token I could say to him, "Maybe if you didn't have such a problem with alcohol I'd have an easier time of showing my love." (I've never said that, but feel like I could and it would be valid.) He also has done things and expected me to fall all over myself praising him and such, like cleaning, making my lunch, etc, which is nice, but doing those things one time doesn't erase the months and months of pain.
Plus, I know that the whole "If you just treated me like you loved me" thing is a scam, since after a weekend of finally feeling like we were rebuilding trust, opening myself up, enjoying his company and being intimate, he relapsed the very next day, so...really it has nothing to do with me at all. And it has nothing to do with you at all!
Like Mattie said, it's self-preservation and protection.
Unfortunately I really don't have any advice, just wanted to tell you that you're not alone and that you shouldn't feel guilty about not being able to let your guard down with him.
My best thoughts on this is aligned with those above me....get entrenched in the program and with the help of a sponsor or trusted program friends, establish some boundaries. My confusion and uncertainty got tons better when I was able to set boundaries with the help of others. Living with active drinkers, we tend to lower our value set and expect the worst. As we recover, we want and need 'different' and for me and my recovery, the boundaries gave me the freedom to take protective action when I felt uncomfortable with what was going on.
Leaving the room when a conversation changes from back/forth to one-sided or accusatory or abusive or ??? was one of my first boundaries. I was one who wanted to argue it out and explain, and explain more and drive my point home and ... before this program. I now see that it's of no value to my serenity or peace. My truth doesn't have to be their truth and vice versa.
I truly believe your current approach of one day at a time and doing for you & the kids are a great first step. If you surround yourself with program, program tools and program friends, you'll better be armed to deal with the insanity of the disease.
(((Hugs))) to you - you're not alone and this too shall pass!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Finding these "walls" only serve to wall me in and prevent me from experiencing the simple joys,and happiness that each day had to offers was a great incentive for me to decide to work this program .
I have also struggled with putting up walls and felt guilty that I could not drop my barriers as quickly as I would have liked to. But then I started to realise that I was a bit scared of my husband's behaviour and the hurtful things that he said and that my walls were there for good reason. I think that we usually love people that we feel comfortable with and my problem was that for years I had thought it was my responsibility to create an atmosphere in which that could happen. It was quite a sea change when I changed my point of view on that one!
I have a lot of bad memories that need to be over written with good ones before I can feel totally comfortable with him. I've decided to accept that my feelings are real and, if I want them to be real, I need to acknowledge that they won't change at the flick of a switch. I will let myself open up in my own time - a little as you did by holding hands in bed etc.
I've also found that I often feel a bit wary the day after feeling closer to my husband. It isn't just him! It feels as though he is pushing me away, but sometimes it is me pulling away a bit - probably for good reason, but not helpful! Being able to acknowledge what was happening helped us I think. I believe that it is perfectly natural and that we rock the boat a bit as we adjust to new ways of being. The trick is to keep it gentle. What I need at these moments is his acceptance of my needs to take it slowly and in my own time (although difficult for my husband to be able to understand this in early sobriety. It was a very rocky time for us!).
Saying 'you don't love me' and, in my case, 'you were never there for me' seems to be a common alcoholic response and therefore does not need to be taken personally. It still hurts and just adds another brick to the wall in my experience so being able to say 'that isn't helpful' and leave it at that helped me.
Confused, I try to not look at the whole picture and take one moment at a time. With each interaction I assess. The most important thing is to realize that your husband has a disease that you have no control over and to have empathy for him. Working the program will help you to realize all of this.
-- Edited by Debb on Tuesday 22nd of September 2015 04:15:00 AM
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Alanon tools gave me the ability to bring down the walls , build bridges and still protect myself in a constructive, compassionate manner.
The whole concept of alanon is to learn new constructive tools so as to replace the negative destructive ones that we developed while coping with the insanity of alcoholism.
Working the Steps, especially 4- 10, owning my part in the dysfunction,being honest, open and willing while placing principles above personalities works in all my interactions without the necessity of walls.
I do agree that the walls do imprison me, which I do not like either. I have gone to some F2F meetings but have been unable to the last couple weeks, busy with kids schedules, I am going to try to get to one this week though. I am truly trying to work the steps and I want to get better but what bothers me is that I feel he does not want to get better and for that it keeps me angry and makes me start doubting OUR future. I either want it over now or want it better. I know my patience is very low. I'm just sick of the rollercoaster he takes me on and I don't know if I can take it anymore, whether he drinks or not.
(((Beth))) I do hear you Regardless of the fact of the marriage enduring, we still have been adversely affected from living with it and need a program of recovery so as to learn how to live once again with joy, serenity, courage ans wisdom.
Alanon gave me that .
What I need at these moments is his acceptance of my needs to take it slowly and in my own time (although difficult for my husband to be able to understand this in early sobriety. It was a very rocky time for us!).