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I am a mom of 2 kids ages 4 and 6 mo. My husband has had a drinking issue as long as I have know him. He is what I would call a binge drinker, it's not that he drinks every night but when he starts he drinks in excess and makes poor choices. It had been a battle between us for years. He thinks he is a normal guy and is doing nothing wrong and I have a issue with the amounts he drinks and the things he does when he drinks. He has never been mean or aggressive when he drinks he is very happy and go lucky without a care in the world. I have epressed my concerns but the fall to deaf ears. he will go in a cycle where it is really bad and getting drunk a few time a week then I flip out and threaten to take the kids and leave so he won't drink for about 4-6 weeks then it starts with 1-2 beers a few times a week to slowly increasing to more and more then he over does it and drives, or gets drunk with the kids alone. I then flip out and the cycle happens again. I know I am not handling it the correct way but I don't know what to do or say. That is why I'm coming here any advise is welcome.
Welcome Boymom - glad you found us and glad you found the courage to share.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Recovery comes to those who are willing to work the program. We in Al-Anon are affected by another's drinking to the point where our lives are unmanageable. It sounds as if your arrival here might suggest you are 'there'.
What Al-Anon has done for me is give me back the freedom to be me and live my life happily and with joy and peace no matter what others are doing around me. I no longer concern myself with the drinking/actions/behaviors of my A(s) unless it directly affects me and my affairs.
Whether he thinks he's an alcoholic or not is not important for your success and/or recovery. We here use literature, the steps, fellowship, sponsorship and other recovery tools to find a better way to live, act and react.
Yelling, pleading, threatening, crying, etc. never worked in my home. The more I reacted, the worst things appeared. I had to step back, focus on me (Al-Anon taught me how) and learn how to let others be. It's not easy but the rewards are infinite.
So glad you are here and keep coming back! You are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It is understandable that you are concerned about your AH and are seeking help for yourself, via Al-anon. Al-anon helps us to overcome the effects the addicts/alcoholics exert on our lives.
We learn, almost immediately, in Al-anon, the three C's: You cannot CONTROL, CURE or CAUSE the disease of alcoholism.
Joining a face to face group meeting in your locality, http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings as well as joining us here on MIP and working the 12-step program will help you to regain your peace and serenity as well as to help you understand the disease.
As IAH has said, keep coming back and you are not alone!
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 01:23:42 PM
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Of course if you go to alanon face to face or online meetings you will hear different solutions that appeal to you - or the same ones, but said in different ways that appeal more to you. But - my suggestions would be, figure out a boundary that is what you can and cannot tolerate and then what you will do if that boundary is crossed. Remember, the boundaries are for you and not to control his drinking so much. So what it sounds like is that it's more about the driving of the vehicles while drunk and doing it alone with the kids. Though I also know that alcoholic most always test the boundaries and cross them just to see if you will follow through. All of this is not for the goal of him changing his drinking - Remember, the goal of alanon is for you to not be flipping out (using your own words) so much despite the insanity that alcoholism is bringing to your home.
Welcome~I can relate to your share as my spouse sounds similar to your's. I am grateful my son is a grown man from my first marriage, however he has been exposed to the results of my A's drinking. The most amazing thing about my A is the level of denial. And I suffered greatly, over many years, and it is my choice that we are still together. However, my suffering has all but vanished. I am overcoming the level of sickness I had with the help of many people in alanon. I probably feel the best I have in my entire life, and I'm 64. I can only encourage you to give program a chance. In time you will figure out what choices are good for you. Best, Lyne
((Boymom)) I totally understand. My AH started out the same way and then was drinking daily to get drunk. He'd pass out almost every night. You are not alone but one thing I've learned is empty threats don't get you anywhere so just worry about you and your kids and make your world happy. Keep coming back the program does work
Thank you all for your help, as far as boundarys how do I set them and do I talk to him about them or do I just go on with life as I normally do and just make sure that I am arranging childcare so I am not putting my kids in a situation to be home alone with him when he could get drunk? When I find hidden empty bottles do I let him know I found them? Do I clean them up and throw them away? I know I can't help him, he does not see a problem with what he is doing, I just want to make sure I am doing what I should.
Boymom, I can relate becuase I have three boys (ages 12, 9, and 2). Up until April, my husband was the boys' primary cargiver...that was until he drove them to the library when he was completely wasted. Thankfully, a witness called 911 and I was allowed to pick up my kids before my AH drove with them again. I cannot imagine what I would be goinf through if something bad happened while he was behind the wheel...I think about that day every time I have to leave him alone with the kids....which I have limited to times where I absolutely have no other choice...my youngest is now in full time childcare and my older two have afterschool care lined up. My AH will not be allowed to drive a vehicle with them in it until I am comfortable with the idea again....I don't know how long it'll take.
I do not clean up after him. If drinks, he can deal with the mess. I will, in no way, show him that I am "accepting" his decision to drink.
I am not telling you that you must copy what I did, however I want to ensure you know that you're not alone....
I did the same as EarlyBird - I just treated the situation as if I had someone who could not drive or take responsibility in my house, like another toddler or a crazy person. (Which is kind of what an alcoholic is, both of these.)
Boundaries are for us - generally they're along the lines of 'If he ____, then to protect myself I will _____." We don't have to tell them our boundaries. If we do, they'll often argue or violate them just to see what happens and how far they can push us.
But you already know that he will drive drunk, even if he promises not to (that's typical), so you already know that to be safe you have to have someone else be the family driver. This can be hard but I just thought to myself, "If he had been hit by a bus and were in the hospital for six months recovering, I'd find a way to get my child from one place to another. So that's what I have to do." It wasn't easy but it gets easier with time as other solutions develop.
If he protests, it's good just to have a thing that you say, and to vow to yourself that you won't be drawn into an argument. I would say to my AH, "I don't know whether you've been drinking or not, and I don't have any way of knowing, but you're acting the way you do when you have. I can't take any chances and therefore I ... [whatever I'd decided]." At first he would argue, because the A never wants to be accused of or found out drinking: "I'm not drinking! There you go again with your crazy accusations! You ought to get help for that! I can't believe how crazy you are! It's like you're obsessed with it!" Etc. etc. - anything to turn attention away from himself. I wouldn't argue, just shrug and go about my way. Eventually he'd just roll his eyes.
As for the bottles, I guess the Al-Anon question would be "What is my motivation?" If we confront them because we're hoping they'll admitt it or decide to change, we're setting up unrealistic expectations for ourselves. Many people don't mention bottles at all. I just couldn't do that. I'd say, "I found your bottles and I'm unhappy about your drinking." And then I'd just move on. Of course at first there was arguing on his part and so on. I wouldn't ever want to do this with someone who had any tendency to be violent.
I hope you'll find a good meeting (there are meetings on here too), keep working the program, reading the threads and the literature. All of the tools become clearer with time and reading and practice. I hope you'll keep coming back.
