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As a mother of an adult child with both drug and alcohol problems, how do I stop feeling all this guilt? I think back to all of the times when I made excuses for him, gave him money when I shouldn't have and generally tried to come up with a solution for each of the situations he got himself into. He's 28 years old and has nothing! He's homeless and has maybe one change of clothes. I'm trying so hard to back off and make him take responsibility, but where do I draw the line? He has managed to get food assistance so I know he can eat. He was diagnosed with ADD as a young child and as an adult suffers from a lot of anxiety/depression. He's never been anything but sweet and loving towards me, never a harsh word. Oh he has lied PLENTY that's for sure and I have always given in and rushed to help. How can I stop dwelling on this and feeling guilty for his current sad situation?????
Being a mother of an alcoholic son, I can readily identify with your pain and sadness. Al-Anon meetings helped me to understand that alcoholism is a chronic disease that I did not cause , cannot control and cannot cure.. This dreadful disease can be arrested but never cured.
I also realized that the society does not allow a sick person or any person to go without food, shelter, or medical care so how could a Mother be expected to behave differently ? This helped to relieve me of much of my anxiety.
The steps, also helped me to process my anxiety, release my guilt and forgive myself. I urge you to continue to attend face-to-face meetings and work the program. It has helped me beyond belief
The only answer to guilt is that you did what you thought was right at the moment using the best information and resources that you had. Sometimes the action was driven by fear, or by despair, or hope that you could solve the problem, but also always by love. Most of the time whatever we did for our sons had a short term positive affect, but we never beat the disease. Only they can do it. Do they know how? Has all the counseling, meds, rehabs, meetings, loses, etc penetrated their mushy brains to cause them to fight back? Will it ever happen? Who knows? But mothers feeling guilty won't do a darn thing. (((((carolm)))))
Laura
You are certainly not alone in this. My brother who is 15 years older than me, in his late 30s, is also homeless and continues to use. He also has four kids and another on the way. My poor mother used to get guilt-tripped all the time, and I have seen her in tears many times after hanging up the phone, powerless to help. It is heart-breaking. I also feel a great amount of guilt, but I worry that my support will be taken advantage of. We've long ago had to stop supporting him, since he found ways of even selling off a grocery store gift card to buy alcohol. Realizing that there are other ways I can help, such as spending time with him and his children and showing a genuine interest in healthy activities that he tries to pursue, I feel less guilty about the ways I cannot help him. You certainly can't cure him, as the 3C mantra accurately spells out. But you can chose to spend time with him as a person, not an alcoholic.. It can be hard to know when to draw the line there, but exploring your own emotions and talking to others on here or f2f can help you identify where the guilt comes from and how you can relieve it. Hope you're having a beautiful day today!
I too can relate as the mom of 2 As. What I had to accept was that there wasn't a darn thing I could do about the past, theirs, mine or ours together. I truly had to admit and believe total powerlessness and then surrender to the will of my HP. I had an external 'nudge' as well - I have 2 cousins who grew up in AZ (the rest of us in KS). Anyways, their mother is ACOA and had it worse than my mother of the other 2 sisters (my Aunts).
My Aunt of these 2 cousins has enabled them forever......the girl cousins are 34 and 40. They have nothing and are both alcoholics. They and their mother are in denial. I have watched this dance between the 3 of them for years and tried to help a few times. They've had moments of a recovery journey, then something happens and the dance begins again.
My Aunt is now 65 years old, and has spent most of her retirement trying to keep these girls out of trouble. She pays their bills, buys their groceries and supports their kids (her grandchildren). She's worked her whole life and they have drained her dry - emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, etc. She looks aged well beyond her years and just can't let go - it is killing her. The two cousins have nothing - no jobs, no friends, no rules, no boundaries, no respect. They see nothing wrong with this picture while the rest of us just scratch our heads.
Getting close to this situation, and having a flash of my potential future if I didn't get into recovery scared the heck out of me. I want my children to be independent, even if I don't respect or condone their choices. I want their path to be separate from mine, with healthy points of intersection. I don't want to be 'her' or even closely like 'her'....and I could see it happening...
So, I have no more guilt and no more shame. I was able to release that by working this program and the steps with a sponsor. Did I make mistakes? Sure. Do I wish things were different? Sure. Do I have hope they will recover? Sure. Do I try to influence it? Nope. Do I try to control it? Nope. Do I try to coach, counsel, suggest, recommend, etc? Nope. I had to detach and learn how to be me and enjoy life no matter what they are or are not doing.
I share so you know there is hope. There is recovery, peace, serenity and hope. The more I worked on me, the better things got. It's not because they changed; it's because I changed.
(((Hugs))) to you - be gentle with you and trust HP. He did lead you here so must be worth a try - right? Keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Carolm, I share with others this concern. Reading Iamhere's entry made me think of the soul-reaching benefit it is for me to go to F2F meetings. I can get that distance from my own situation to hear of someone else's. It is easier for me to find a better way if I am thinking what someone else "should do" to relieve their distress. Then it hits me. Ah, me too.
By staying connected to AlAnon by meetings, online forums, daily readers, prayer, sponsor, working the steps as a daily practice, I have come to see a better way with less guilt to carry. I have tools to smooth out the residual guilt.
The serenity prayer helps me when I can't think of another way out of my rut. It is my default way out.
Thanks, everyone. I'm having a particularly bad day for some reason. I guess it's just like that sometimes. I found the courage to tell my son NO this week. I feel so bad for him, I know that he has his own will and being almost 2000 miles away, I can't know what is going on with him. I feel guilty for giving him the money to go back to California where his biggest problems started. He was in limbo here for almost 2 years when I finally said either get a job or go back to CA which is what he had wanted to do since he got here. Geographic cure, right? Anyhow, he's been back there for almost a year and has only sunk further into addiction and helplessness as well as doing 2 months in jail. I didn't post bond!! Does he have a bottom?? Thanks for the kind words of understanding. And yes, I have repeated that serenity prayer a million times......it helps
It often surprises me how many people you will find on here with nearly identical stories. My brother also just seems to keep finding new lows. I can see the optimism in his eyes when he is thinking straight. He wants to go back to school and study engineering- it is these times he remembers that he loves and is good at math and problem-solving. These are the moments that keep families in the cycle, because it seems promising to help them out when you know their heart is in the right place. It seems you are very strong and smart to realize that you need sure, long-term signs of improvement before they've earned your trust back. You are a good mom. You see the wonderful person your son is beyond the alcoholism, and you will do whatever is best to see him live a healthy, long and happy life. Sometimes it means questioning if you're doing the most helpful thing for him. Rest assured that with introspection and focusing on your needs and wishes, you will find the clarity to tell you you are doing the best thing. As I like to keep telling myself, life is far too long to spend worrying about how other people turn out, and far too short to not live for yourself. Best wishes to you
I completely understand that today is a 'bad day'.....I've been there and most likely everyone here has. We find this program, we begin to 'feel peace' and work to establish our own truth. For me, it's the whole 'special day' thing or anniversary. I've got another post as today's my birthday.
In years past, this has been an incredibly difficult day for me. My AH (sober when we met/married) relapsed sometime between Son 1 and Son 2 - 21-23 years ago. So, for that long, my birthday and mother's day have become a nothing day to them.
Living with my 'pre-program thinking', I just disliked these days as it was a reminder of what was NOT in my life. I've gotten better and better as I've worked the program, but for me, there is still a bit of projected anxiety when these events are coming up. So....I do as suggested - attend more meetings, do more service work, do more fellowship just to get to and through the event/day.
This has been a good day. A wise person here suggested I make my own plans/plan my own party. I am a 'low-key' gal, so just reached out to some program friends and went to lunch. It was so nice to be told that they were grateful to know me and to have me for a friend. It means more to me than a card or gift, honestly.
So, by talking about my anxiety a bit here and to my sponsor, I got exactly what I needed - an alternative solution for the day! And - it's all good.
So - there are days that aren't special and I just struggle. It is on those days that I double-up on what I've learned - read/study more literature, go to one/two/?? meetings, reach out to another program person to check in, etc. Distractions for me are as good as plans when my mind wants to sit and dwell on things I can't control/change.
(((Hugs))) to you. That's the beauty of MIP too - when I don't know what else to do, I can just come here and read/share/learn. Hang in there - this too shall pass!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for your insight and concern. I think that the hardest thing for me is coming to realize that I have prolonged my son's agony by controlling/ enabling/coming up with solutions/sending money. I should have been stronger! I feel a lot of guilt and regret for that. At the same time, I want to call my son and try to control/rescue him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I completely understand the feelings of regret, but you would only have chosen to act differently had you known the outcome (which you didn't). It's a hindsight bias to believe you should have known better, you didn't know what the outcome would have been. Even now, knowing that it's gone on for too long, it's extremely unlikely that your gestures are the reason for his prolonged agony. If you had refused help, he is smart and resourceful enough to find other ways to get what he wanted. He is where he is now. You can't control the past, and you can't predict the future. You can only act right now. Take care of yourself momma, and continue to let him know that he will always have your love and support, but that boundaries must be set for his own good. Continue to focus on achieving your own peace with this, as you are doing. I hope that you can learn to release this guilt that grips you.
Thanks so much for the very insightful replies!! It does help to know that others are going through or have been through the same thing. I think that my new found resolve has me in a bit of a tailspin. For the past 28 years I've been there for my boy, I've always seen him as fragile when in reality he is a 6' 175lb healthy good-looking guy. Yes, he has issues ( ADD, anxiety/depression) but he's not crazy or physically disabled....just an alcoholic/drug addict. He's been to rehab and had several other "moments of clarity". He knows what it feels like to be sober. I have looked up AA meetings that he can walk to......it's up to him to go. Still, my obsession with this child won't let me relax. The thing is, my two older children are doing fine, the "baby" is the one no one talks about....because we all know his life is a mess. I hate it for him. He's got to get to a place where he can accept his past mistakes and be proud that he made it through to a better life. This is what I hope and pray for every day!!!
Your son sounds like my son. 36 years old, in and out of jail for the last two years, at the homeless shelter in between. I was a single parent, no contact from the father, and felt guilt all during his upbringing because he had such a neglectful father. I was probably too indulgent because of it. I left the city I raised him in when he was 19 because I had the opportunity to and he had become so unmanageable I knew I couldn't do anything to help him any more. The guilt ate me alive for doing that, although I know I would have gone down with him if I had stayed and definitely would have lost my marriage. Now I hear from him when he is in jail and dried out because I won't talk to him when he is drunk. Treatment and AA aren't "for him" so I have to let him go. I still check the jail inmate list daily to see if he is in or out. God be with us and these adult child alcoholics and addicts.
You say you see your son as fragile, and I truly understand that. I do that too. When I talk to him he sounds like the 15 year old he was when he first started experimenting with the drink and drugs. And in truth, he is stuck there. It sure gets to a mother's emotions! Now I have noticed he is making less sense than before, even when he's been dried out. I fear brain damage. I have to remind myself it's his brain to damage if he chooses. What a waste.
