The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My brother sister and MOM have shut me out since my Dad passed away on June 24 this year. If we do talk at all very cruel things have been said, threats have been made, crazy lies have been told and unfortunately believed by others. There have been lots of lies and for some reason most sad to me is the nieces and their husbands ( I still see them as the "kids" have bought into all these lies and participated in the hate war ) BTW Dad and I were very close- he would have been the exact person I would have talked with in a situation- we might not have agreed but he always would have listened- he wasn't perfect but he never "shut me out" like this and it's seems extra hard to me not to be able to talk to the other people who knew him- there is a lot of child hood drama this resembles my childhood a lot so that triggers a lot of hurt feelings etc...
From time to time people on this board would ask, or seem to be asking "how do I get over the alcoholic? or how do I stop thinking of the alcoholic, how do I stop trying to figure it all out...
I would then post what worked for me as if it was an instruction booklet for healing- I felt it was such an amazing miracle to finally stop obsessing, I was so grateful I had to share my "magic formula"
Well, I may have been a little too sold on what worked that time and it was not good to presume what worked for me would work for others or for me at another time. HP works how he works and if I understood all he does to the letter, I would no longer need to rely on him. If I could "figure these things out" it would make me more like him in a bad way- equality with HP might seem possible ..and that is not how it works.
Now I am over the alcoholic but struggling with obsessive thoughts over my families behavior and constantly wondering how a Mother, sister, brother could be so cruel to me... even though I see my thought behavior as a repeat of my obsessive thoughts of the alcoholic I still find it hard to STOP it!!!
Again hard to just walk away and get on with my life.
So my new answer to how do I get over/ let go and let God/ get on with my life etc. is noe officially that Higher Power uses different tools at different times and perhaps he is trying to teach me something new this time. I will work to be patient and trust and keep using what has worked in the past gratitude list, putting new stuff in my mind and surrounding myself with great people, meetings and lots of prayer... just like I eventually saw the light before , one step at a time... I will wait until I see the light again, I just feel it may be a different miracle this time.
I want to learn from and "reason things out" without thinking about it 24/ 7. I'm trying, I know the right words to say, my brain knows this is not about me and is entirely about them- it's a long distance from my head to my heart.
I may post details later just to vent or think it through as sharing does. Just for today I will try to not think so much.
-- Edited by glad on Saturday 19th of September 2015 05:54:48 AM
(((Glad))) I do hear you and have found reading the C2C, meetings, sharing and reworking the 4 to 9th Step very helpful when I again attempted to "Figure it all out" .
You are correct there is no magic formula for working this program . Looking for the lesson to be learned as you suggested has also helped me move forward. That is where the Steps came in. I can examine my motives, expectations and actions, in an effort to keep the focus on myself and not give my serenity and power over to others.
(((Glad))) - thanks for your truth and for your share. I am so sorry that you've been isolated from those who also knew your dad. As I read your post, two things came to mind - This Too Shall Pass & Hang With The Winners.
My program friends are truly an extension of me - some closer than my natural family. When my FOO is in turmoil and chaos, I often find peace and comfort from my program family.
Hang in there and be gentle with you. Trust the program process and HP. You truly are not alone - we're just a post away and HP is with you always!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Glad and thanks for the reminder that I get to work it all the time. Family and friends haven't and don't care or inquire how I want things handled not even if I mention it out loud. I had to learn how to ask the question "How do I want this to come out for me" before hand and then make my choices for me. My family and that includes my own offspring are unique. They see things and imagine things as they want which causes me to slow down and think. Some times I have to ask them for clarity and tell them I need to see the picture for me more clearly and often they will. I am in a bit of that situation myself with my eldest son who justifies what he is doing and the consequences for it as if no one else is involved or affected. I have to remind myself not to think, plan or do anything that will result in me walking on eggshells or glass just because he is self satisfied and wants to entertain me with it. I am not going to bless anything he has or is doing that has been painful in the family...No I will step away from it and not feel guilty. Be yourself Glad...to thine own self be true. ((((hugs))))
{{Glad}}, I too am sorry to hear that you are being isolated by your family and those that knew your Dad. I agree with everyone above and think that you would bode well to steer clear of those that hurt you and focus on yourself and the program. Give it time and wishing you peace.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Family is such a different haunting, isn't it Glad? My foo split and divided accross two generations when my grandma passed, a whole lot of emotional stuff just imploded and almost seven years on its knitting in a different way. None of its really logical. I hope you have some amazing friends around, chin up, lots of love your way. I agree, there's no manual, the only way out is through. (((glad)))
