Al-Anon Family Group

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New to Al-Anon family group
Post Info TOPIC: New to Al-Anon family group
tiiburbo


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New to Al-Anon family group
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Hello, I'm new to this site and support in general. I come from a very large family (I'm the youngest of 6 kids), almost all of whom are alcohol or drug-dependent. Other than my oldest brother who is 15 years older than me, I'm the only to not suffer from addiction, although I do (understandably...) have a few mental health problems of my own.
I decided today to seek help because I can no longer face this alone, and it's starting to affect my relationship with my partner. I've been living with my boyfriend for a month, and last night he saw for the first time what it's like to be the only healthy family member of an addict. Because I'm the most stable and the most compassionate member of my family, it is most often me who gets asked for help. Last night, one of my brothers, who has been addicted to various drugs and alcohol for over 20 years, begged me for a place to sleep after his housing situation fell through. After much discussion with my boyfriend, we agreed to let him stay for one night and take him somewhere else the following day. When my boyfriend woke up this morning, my brother was still awake and had snuck into our room and stolen a case of beer and a 26 of Crown Royal (we don't drink, but we often have alcohol in the house from gifts or to entertain). Not feeling comfortable confronting my brother about it, my boyfriend took his frustrations out on me. Fortunately, we have very good communication between us and were able to painlessly resolve it, but I can't help but feel guilty for throwing him in the middle of my family drama when he comes from a very sheltered and stable family. I know he's trying to understand, but nobody can really catch up to the 22 years I've been living in this.

I don't talk much about my family or my own issues. I guess part of my coping mechanism is to maintain a separate identity outside of these issues and not let myself dwell on them. However, my boyfriend is concerned that my family members are using me and is becoming frustrated. We both don't know how to handle this, so today I decided it's time to reach out to community supports.

I'd now like to ask- have you ever been in a similar situation? How do you react when a troubled family member comes knocking on your door one too many times? How does your partner or other family members handle the situation? I'm finding it hard to assure him that everything I do is well though-out and it's always a balancing act between helping my family members simply survive, and keeping myself safe and sane.



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a4l


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Welcome. 22 years is a long time. Growing up in addiction means to me, an enmeshed family system, where boundaries are blurred or non-existent, and what you see is not always what you get. In addiction, the users are often easier to point to but all are deeply affected. With your partner, its probably black and white, brothers a bad guest, so bye bye brother. For you, I'm sure there's a host of stuff going on: Feeling somehow responsible; embarrassed; angry; maybe a little superior. The alanon side of addiction was a starting place for me to get to grips with what my family of origin influences are; what they look like and whether i want them or not. I found it helpful to look at family roles in addiction, the scapegoat, the hero, the lost child, the cheif enabler, as I could see bits of all in me. In turn, I can see where I'm coming from in life situations and I wont lie, also in others to the extent I decide whether or not I want to know them. I learned that the non using side of the disease was every bit as destructive as the other,just in a different way. I welcome you with open arms, and hope you keep coming back. Its hard to learn new ways of relating/being, but so worth it.

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tiiburbo


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Thank you for your kind response. I didn't know about the family roles before and upon reading I'm feeling like the lost child. It's very informative to know my role and where to go from here, so thank you.



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Debb


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Welcome Tilburbo to MIP! You have taken the first brave step to start
your recovery by visiting this board and sharing with us. The second
step would be to find a local face to face Al-anon group and begin taking
back your life. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings
We have, on this forum, two meetings a day and you can also work
the 12-steps on this forum as well, you can participate by going to
the links at the top right and left of this web page. Alcoholism and
addictions are very cunning diseases and I can tell you already know
that, even though you are not using/drinking, it has a profound
affect on those of us who have to live and deal with it. Please keep
coming back to talk with us .... you are not alone.



__________________

 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie
Iamhere


~*Service Worker*~

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Tilburbo -

I too welcome you to MIP. So glad you found us and found your courage to share.

Al-Anon is all about the family and friends of those who over-indulge in mind-altering substances, as Addiction & Alcoholism are considered a family disease. This disease reaches beyond the one who uses, and can attach to others in the family.

For us, we seek recovery from being 'addicted' to the alcoholic/user. We attend support meetings, have literature and work the steps for our own personal recovery.

Al-Anon has taught me that 'they' will continue to come knocking for as long as I allow them to do so. 'They' will continue to bend rules, cross boundaries and test patience for as long as I allow them to do so. 'They' will continue to let me do for them what they should do for themselves for as long as I allow them to do so. If I am sick & tired of these things happening, it is up to me to make the changes that stop the behavior.

Al-Anon has taught me that I matter, and deserve peace and serenity. Al-Anon has taught me to set healthy boundaries for my own sanity and how to detach from that which I can not change or control. The first concept that I learned here was the 3 C's - I didn't cause it, I can't change it and I can't cure it.

Keep coming back and as Debb above me says, you are not alone. Welcome aboard and keep asking questions and read/learn as much as you can. There are commonalities in our stories and there are commonalities in the behavior of active alcoholics. You can find peace and serenity no matter what others are or are not doing!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
Weeks7304


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I too am new to this process. While I have enjoyed drinking in the past with my spouse, it has become much more than a social, fun evening event. As a family, but mostly a decision made by my them, the decision was made to take the step - my spouse is currently in active in patient treatment, two weeks so far. I have really struggled to understand. To understand what the process they are going through? How I was a part and am a part of this recovery journey? Just how hidden my emotions are/were? Just how blinded I was? I have made the vow to address my own journey while being as supportive as a spouse should be in their journey. Our schedules don'e always allow for face to face meeting attendance, something we will work hard to rearrange and make happen as it is important. I have read through some of the posts this morning and look forward to many more readings and discovery. I feel fortunate to have stumbled upon this group. I will work to find and study the steps board mentioned in my journey of self discovery. Any pointers on how to navigate this board or 'best practices' would be very helpful to a newcomer. I am in this for the long haul.

 

Also, if there are weekly or nightly online meetings within this site, or another you can point me too, it would be greatly appreciated. Chat format works best for me. 

 

Thanks in advance. 



-- Edited by Weeks7304 on Saturday 19th of September 2015 11:11:00 AM

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Iamhere


~*Service Worker*~

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weeks7304 -

Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you posted.

If you look to the top left, you will see the meeting schedule (2 meetings each day) as well as a link to the meeting/chat room. That's a great place to attend some online meetings to get your feet wet for how the F2F will probably be/go.

To the top right, you can see what the 12 Steps are, and there is a link to the 12 Step Work Area. Hotrod (Betty) posts a new step every 2 (might be 3) weeks and those who want to share do so.

Beyond that, we use daily readers and other Al-Anon literature to better understand the disease and our part in the chaos and recovery.

Hope that helps you get started - feel free to ask any other questions - someone will shout back!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
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Hi Weeks Welcome We do have a Chat Room which is open 24/7 AS WELL AS 2 on line meetings each day . HERE IS THE ADDRESS AND SCHEDULE


Al-Anon Family Group
Meeting/Chat Room

Meetings
9 AM EST Mon-Fri
9 PM EST Mon-Sat
10 AM EST Sat & Sun
7 PM EST Sunday


www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
We use he Step work Board to share on the Steps Here is that link

stepwork.activeboard.com/forum.spark
If you wish to post to that Board yo will need to reregister.
Keep coming back There is hope

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
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