Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

A 9th step group...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Jerry The 9th Step is indeed powerful. I know I had to ponder a bit to truly understand and accept how I had hurt others. One day as I was practicing my defect of sarcasm on a fellow worker, I stopped, really saw the pained expression on her face(she was so hurt) that I had a light bulb moment and understood the magnitude of the pain I caused. It was then a process to make amends first to myself and then to others. .

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Just imagine Hot Rod discovering that we also do ourselves harm with the unacceptable behaviors...rocket science awareness for me also. Thanks (((hugs))) smile

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree Jerry I love how my sponsor suggested that I place myself at the top of the list as a person I had harmed the most and the amend I could make to myself was too practice the alanon program and principles daily. :)

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry thank you for your ESH and am also grateful for the 9th step. I am still working
the step and have found, like you and Betty, that I had to forgive myself first, before
I could go on. Making amends to others, for me, also came in the form of changing
my actions and perceptions. Another words, my amends did not always take the form
of an outward apology. I have never been one, not saying anyone is here, one to burn
bridges in the midst of a disagreement/confrontation, so alot of my amends had to do
with my opinion/thoughts/perception of individuals that needed to be rethought and
reconciled. Does that make sense to you and Betty?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I do understand Debb Many of my amends took the same form.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Jerry for the lovely share and ESH. This is one of those steps that truly does change up our attitude, outlook and spiritual relationship with our HP. What my sponsor always suggested to me was to pray for willingness and readiness. Willingness to trust the process and my HP and readiness to ensure my motives were pure and my expectations were left at the door.

I struggled a bit with Step 8 as I was mentally stuck at times thinking that I would not have been so crazy without the disease and my As. I am such a logical thinker, I kept looking at cause and effect instead of what was and especially what was mine. It is through Step 8 and then Step 9 that I came to realize that no matter what anyone else is doing or is not doing, I can practice dignity, grace and detachment.

I had to drop my way of thinking and stop looking for blame beyond the scope of 'me'. I had to realize that my actions and my reactions were mine to own. I had to do the best I could each day to be a humble human, with all my flaws. Taking my 8th Step and preparing/doing my ninth step showed me that redemption and change are possible, for us all.

I do agree that forgiveness for ourselves help clear the path for making amends to others. I too am a huge believer in living amends as I seriously do not want to repeat that which brought me here in the first place.

(((Hugs))) - great share and great thread!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I felt strange with the suggestion of placing myself on the list and at the top of the list of those I needed to forgive as my 9th step list was about those I harmed and I didn't see at that time that I was harming myself. I was blind to that then until I started accepting more responsibility for my actions, thoughts, feelings and more. Today self acceptance including forgiveness is automatic. I am not the biggest dog on the block mostly the craziest when I let my ego and pride run my show. I also agree Debb as I learned that the "amends" came to all levels of my being. Today I can make an amends before the hurt fully evolves, when I find it trying to work its ways into my life.

I allow my HP to help construct the list of those I have harmed as there are those I have forgotten at times. Mahalo for the feedback. (((hugs))) smile

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Thanks for posting about 9th step and your recent experience working it again. I admire your courage to take ownership after twenty two years holding onto this. It's truly a great example of how another can become the scapegoat for our wrongs by way of omission. Although I realize the people who received your amends may not have received it with the same admiration; as a program person I find it awesome. You found the courage to tell another they've been carrying a burden for too long that was never theirs to carry. It's a gift to know that kind of strength can still be found within onesself even years after the injury. This very encouraging as I'm working another 4th step. Thank you for sharing your progress (((hugs))) TT

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene