Catlover give it some time and kill the expectations that they will focus on your needs and story.  Sometimes they can relate and respond and other times not which all have the liberty of doing.   I had this same condition when I was new and at first felt strange and out of place and then getting closer to the fellowship and asking for feed back on a personal level really helped me out over time.   Program has never ever let me down and I had to attach myself to it with courage and commitment.   Keep on keeping on and coming back.  MIP often times will give you the greater focus.   ((((hugs)))))

If the particular al anon meeting didn't click for you perhaps there are others in your area.  Sometimes you just need to find the right one for you.  Keep going back though.  Perhaps they were just having an off night.  Give it a few meetings to see.  In the mean time you have US.  I am glad you went!

Catlover -

So very sorry that your experience was different than expected. With a small group I can imagine it's harder to 'hide' and just observe. I too would try another group if you can find one. I also would keep coming back because it is these exact feelings that kept me from recovery, which kept me from serenity.

AA and Al-Anon meetings (closed) are vastly different from each other. In AA, cross-talk is allowed, it's actually welcomed and topics/problems are raised for feedback/solutions/suggestions. So, if you are comparing notes with another from the other side of the table, you will have differences.

It took me a bit to get into the groove of the Al-Anon way. But, as I watched, learned and listened, I was able to feel more a part of. I kept coming back and did my best to welcome new members in a manner that was warm and loving. I take out trash, clean up coffee, etc. I figured if I wanted something from the experience, I needed to give what I could which wasn't much in the beginning.

I do agree with Betty - if there is something you want or need or are unsure of, just ask. The best part of both programs is service work. Helping one another is a huge portion of recovery and if you ask for what you need/want, it should be available for you and/or a redirect offered. Our meeting is fairly large but in our opening, there is always the question asked if anybody needs a one-on-one.

Don't give up on your meetings though - it's so worth the end result. It took me a minute (or a few years) to figure out that the discomfort I felt in the beginning had much more to do with where I was mentally and spiritually at the time than how they greeted/treated me. (((Hugs))) to you girl!

What is it you want from the meeting? For me I just needed to learn the program fast. It offered a brand new way of thinking that has given me freedom and a happy life. So, I listen and listen and listen to old timers. They've got what you want or do they? Doesn't sound like you particularly want it. Maybe your own reasons for being there are the problem.

Hi catlover,
As I read over your F2F experience and subsequent feelings, it brought up many memories of my own early experience with F2F meetings that I will share as it relates to my change in perspective over time and how my early experiences helped me to grow.

I first came to an AlAnon meeting in a small town that was fortunate to have several meetings a week, each quite different in size and "feel". I chose the first available meeting and walked in not knowing much about what the program was about.

That particular meeting ended up with a total of 5 attendees, including myself. I was not whisked away for a separate introduction and explanation of the program, but stayed in the group to observe, watch, listen to what went on, read the slogans on the walls, and get my first sense of what AlAnon was about. Afterward, everyone was pleasant, told me to keep coming back.

I attended four more meetings that week, and continued attending as many meetings as I could fit in my schedule. Many members, it seemed, had been attending for several years, knew most everyone else there, whether it be 6 people or 36. It was quickly apparent to me that the commonality in the attendees was the pain of the disease, and outside of that, very few people I felt I would relate to outside of the meetings.

Additionally, it seemed to me that time in the program did not always equate to alignment with the AlAnon principles and traditions, indicating that attendance and association did not cause recovery. From what I learned in my very first meeting, I knew that the AlAnon could guide me to wisdom that I did not have, and to a peace that I wanted. I decided that it was the program, not the people that dispensed the tools and wisdom I sought.

As I become more familiar with the principles, steps, and traditions of AlAnon, I found myself getting uncomfortable or agitated when I saw or heard things that disagreed with my understanding of the program, and how I felt it should be handled. At times, this included how newcomers were handled.

Besides regular F2F meeting attendance, reading AlAnon literature was the biggest factor in making changes within myself and finding serenity. Every page that I read suggested that whatever the situation, feeling of discomfort or disappointment, the answer lay in looking at what I could change. In my daily readings, I came across p. 185 in C2C, and to this day remember how humbling it was to realize that I had slipped into thinking I knew best how things "should" go in a program so much bigger than myself. 

I realized that my fear that other members weren't saying or doing the "right" things, or were saying things that would scare the newcomers away or give an incomplete or inaccurate depiction of the program was a symptom of my tendency to control the behavior and outcome of others. It was similar to what I had done with my qualifier. The lesson for me from that page was: Whether or not the newcomer digs into the program and finds serenity is not in my control, just as it's not possible for me to say the "right" thing to convince my qualifier to get sober. They have to be ready, want recovery, and be led by their higher power. 

I attended some pretty awkward, oddly run meetings in my first couple of weeks in the program. But I was at the point in my life where I knew the answers were not going to come from within me. I saw the answers in AlAnon, and decided that I would follow the program, not always the people. This has served me well as I realize that we are all Miracles in various stages of Progress and recovery; none of us demonstrate the principles of AlAnon perfectly.

I admit that I have not responded to all newcomers in the recommended way, for a variety of reasons that include what I felt I was able to give at the time. But I have come to accept that I must do only what I feel I can at the time, and turn the rest over to my higher power, and the newcomer's. Having absolute confidence that AlAnon is available to every newcomer who is ready to work on their own recovery and look to make changes within themselves, allows me to turn it over to higher powers. If they are ready and willing to look through the silt of individual imperfections and see the gleam of recovery gold, they will. It has everything to do with them, not me.

Working hard on my attitude helps me realize that the struggles in attitude that I experience at meetings is a signal that I have discovered an area for further adjustment and improvement. Not judging the attitude and behavior of others has been a large and ongoing improvement project since coming into AlAnon. F2F meetings are great opportunities for me to practice accepting the different opinions and behaviors of others and showing love to others despite perceived differences. 

As I look back, I am so grateful that I hung on to the program despite the things that I didn't always understand or agree with. The return I've gotten from AlAnon far outweighs the occasional discomfort I sometimes felt. I am so glad you keep going back and continue to look for the gems of AlAnon, and absolutely believe your work will be rewarded. Thank you for sharing your experience and allowing me to reflect on my progress. It is a reminder to me of the the progress that can be made when I place principles above personalities.  

 

The way I see it is wanting the group or the meeting or the people to be better, do better, do it differently, be nicer etc to newcomers is part of the disease of alcoholism. Newcomers come and go often, sometimes they arent ready to give up, their still trying to control it, bleieving they have the power. No welcome, however perfect can change that. We reach our own rock bottom before we can hear properly or see properly. We in alanon have no power over anyone elses readiness. The fact your looking at how others conduct themselves in meetings suggests to me that your not taking what you like, your wanting it to be given to you by the old timers/ I could be wrong, I often am.

I am a big fan of the fellowship, it works, changed my whole life for the better. I dont believe there is any such thing as a bad meeting, they all have something to give if your minds open. Maybe yours isnt yet, not to say it wont be but maybe your looking for something perfect, I can relate to that. Try focusing on the good at each and every meeting and ignore the bits that arent going your way.

I am grateful for all the replies here,it is helping me make the decision whether I should return to f2f meetings again.

I stopped attending because I was unhappy with the meeting format,the crosstalk,the gossip,etc and reading here has helped me realize I have been trying to control others,that's what I have been focusing on instead of the actual program.