Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

gillygilly · Member

One year on

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Gillygilly)) Thanks for your honesty and clarity. It certainly sounds as if you working your program and establishing boundaries for your mental health.

In my family. If we didn't all agree on the topic then the person who didn't agree was the outsider, wrong and the enemy. It was in Al-Anon that I learned that everyone is entitled to their opinions, and that just because someone holds a different opinion from myself, they are not the enemy. Simply exercising their rights.

I do believe I can understand how your unconscious mind worked at the time that you separated as mine did the same.

Please keep working your program, using the tools and posting here. It is progress not perfection, we seek in this one day at a time program

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds as if you have had a lot of strength and endurance in the face of a terrible disease. Two terrible diseases, really - dry (but not sober) alcoholism and untreated bi-polar.

I found a mediator really helpful as it allowed me to get my head together and really think about what he was asking for instead of acting out of emotion. So I didn't cave out of stress or oppose him merely out of anger. I hope it will be that way for you too.

You sound as if you feel guilty that you can't detach enough to live with him and his untreated diseases. But what misery that would be for you! And worse even, for your precious little boy. Your sacred responsibility is to protect your little boy, not the feelings of an adult little boy who won't treat his conditions. I like what Jerry said earlier - "I don't babysit grown-ups any more."

I found the mediator sympathetic about dealing with an alcoholic. I imagine they have seen it all. Not that they have decision-making power, but the mediator "got" why I was asking for the restrictions I was asking for, and knew how to phrase the restrictions in a helpful way so we would be protected as we wanted to be.

Hang in there! Hugs.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

GG, it sounds to me like you are do just fine. We all have those periods of feeling
low and abused. But you know that you have Al-anon program and membership
to fall back on and to pick you back up. When your partner verbally abuses you,
remember that it is the disease that is coming out of his mouth. Don't take it
personally!! {{HUGS}}

-- Edited by Debb on Thursday 17th of September 2015 06:26:17 PM

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Gilly, you are in a tough situation and in my humble opinion really working Alanon. You're setting boundaries in the interest of the health and well-being of yourself and your son. Sometimes happily ever after looks different than we'd planned. It can put a person in the "if onlies." You're doing a good job facing reality and using the slogan first things first. You have an hp and you know this man is not your hp. Thank goodness you have the wisdom to know the difference and are responding instead of reacting to his words and actions. Sure it feels sad but you're right ... what would it be like to have that in your home 24/7 if it's not something you are willing to have. To thine own self be true. (((hugs))) TT

gillygilly · Member

Thankyou everyone for your kindness and encouragement. I need it as I'm sure it's going to be a long road. Al anon teaches us not to project and second guess the future but to take each day at a time. I'm trying, I really am, but I also feel such dread at times about having to relate to him forevermore. I feel a wave of panic when the phone rings or he texts me and it just shouldn't be this way. Even if he's not being horrid I find it mildly manipulative and affecting. I'm also really scared about the mediation and that he'll be able to come across as really calm and reasonable and I'll be the one who's a shaking wreck. It's a cruel disease (al anonism as well as alcoholism). i need to keep my distance this weekend, focus on myself and my son, have some fun, and try to access my HP to hand it over to. My trust is thin on the ground at the moment I'm afraid but I'm going to do it anyway. Is that what the 'making a decision' bit in step 3 is about? I'm making a decision to hand it over even though I'm scared and doubtful. A bit like feeling the fear and doing it anyway!

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

gillygilly -

I too see program in action as well as concern for your partner and your child. I agree with your self-care plan - keeping your distance for the weekend and focusing on self and son - especially having some fun! And yes - step 3 asks us to make a decision .... and it doesn't say do it perfectly and/or you won't ever be tempted to take it back. It and all the Steps are so helpful because we can use them/work them at any point of any day no matter how long we've been around or exposed to this disease.

I have heard good things about mediators (never experienced one) and their ability to provide some glue where there wasn't any. Trust your program, trust your HP and trust the process. I also receive extensive pushback from my A(s) when I have a different view, opinion and/or just say No. For me, it's about my program and boundaries. For them, it's about reacting to not getting their way. The program tells me that I don't own their actions or reactions - I only own mine. And - it's perfectly fine for me to speak my truth and live it as I need/want to so long as it's grounded in proper motives.

When faced with situations that tend to bring me tons of emotions, I try to act as if it's my job or a business meeting. While it may seem crazy, it helps me stay grounded in facts and striving for the best possible win/win outcome. It helps me be more diplomatic and patient and truly keeps me in check. I've done this time and time again - it's my best way to remove my emotions as they tend to get me into over-thinking, over-analyzing and over-reacting.

(((Hugs))) to you - glad you are here and know that you are not alone!

gillygilly · Member

Thanks ao much for the ESH Iamhere and all. 'Acting as if' is such a good tip. I do it at work often but forget to at home on a daily basis. I suppose it's a fine line with being inauthentic and not true to your feelings, but then again if you act as if things are going to be ok they probably very often will be and meanwhile you haven't wasted all that emotional energy on the roller coaster.

By the way, another tool I use When I can't get to a meeting for a while is to listen to the al anon shares on YouTube. I just sat in the bath and listened to this one: http://youtu.be/ZrT37JcRpwI. Entertaining and a great deal of wisdom too.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

If you are turning it all over to your HP and doing the best you can with what you have...like us...you will do well. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene