The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son called today. He sounded good and I know that he was sober. He is staying with a trusted family friend and she confirmed that! He is broke and his good "buddies" stole all his belonging while he was in jail for two months. I have "caved" in the past and sent him money, but today I said no!!!! I said if he needed shoes (which I'm sure he does) I will send money to our friend and she can take him to buy shoes. This is the first time I have been able to say no. It was SO hard! He's so sweet and sounds very pathetic. I suggested he attend a meeting (it's in walking distance) and call me afterward. I explained that I didn't want to put temptation in front of him by sending cash. For $10. he can walk down to the beach and buy drugs. I have been the "go-to" money person for way too long!! I hate to see him suffer but in my heart I know I did the right thing. Please pray for him to accept the help that is available to him and for me to stay strong!
I was so trusting for so long and my AD took full advantage of my naivity. I discovered that even though I was trying to pay her tuition directly to the university, she would withdraw from classes and they would reimburse HER! (To this day I wonder if she ever really graduated)
Yes, they know exactly what to say and how to tug on your heart! He may have used the money for what he said, but he has to know my new found limits Saying no was the hardest thing! I felt good about it but very sad at the same time.
-- Edited by carolm on Thursday 17th of September 2015 02:11:35 PM
Good for you Carolm. Saying no is loving them I believe. The kind of love that says I will no longer be an active participant in helping you to ruin your life or kill yourself. It is very hard for a parent to do this as it is the complete opposite of what we are hardwired to do. Our kids need us to stand up and say no to their disease. That thought helps me to say no. It is very hard but is so necessary. I surely do not want to stand in the way of my AD hitting her bottom whatever that looks like for her. It is a process for sure. I have had many weak moments but my resolve is growing every day along with the knowledge that I can and will handle whatever comes my way.
(((Carolm))) - great job doing what you feel is the next right thing! I can relate to all of what you wrote.
I am also sending positive thoughts and prayers for you and your son. Keep the focus on you one day at a time...trust your program and HP and all will be OK!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((((((hugs)))))))))))
I am dealing with a similar situation. I have to keep myself from jumping in. I want to get in the car and go grab him up. But then what? Nothing good will happen in my house.
One thing I noticed in your post was you didn't say "NO". Instead you found a way to say yes without enabling. YOU wanted to help with shoes...great you found a way that was safe for you, and didn't harm you, and made you proud of yourself. Great job!
Just remember, you are enabling him to grow and recover when he has to take care of himself. Being hands off is hard. But you can do it!
It sounds like you had a good day! Keep working your program and it will be easier.
-- Edited by Rinn on Thursday 17th of September 2015 11:50:59 PM
Thanks for all the positive and encouraging feedback! I really had a tough time yesterday. My son is 28, tall, handsome and strong yet to me he is still my sweet little boy. I hate to see him suffer in any way. But I know that until I stop softening the fall, he won't fully become an independent person. Standing on his own will give him the self-confidence he so badly needs. He has several people who have offered to help if he calls them. As of yet he hasn't found the courage to make that call. Please pray for him to find that strength. I surely hope that he has reached his "bottom"......broke, homeless, only one change of clothes, no job. He is not lazy, actually enjoys working just suffers from extreme inertia and can't figure out where to start. He needs someone to guide him. I wish he could find or be willing to seek out a sponsor! But again, I can't do that for him! And I too have thought about just jumping in my car and driving across the country to rescue him!
Carolm - I too have rescued, paid, replaced, intervened, saved from jail in Thailand, found therapists, rehabs, thought magic meds would work, put up with silly women he lived with, paid for "the grooms part of a wedding" for a marriage that lasted 3 months, and on and on. Now I'm doing nothing except trying to detach. I feel just as awful today doing nothing as I did all the other days that ran around for him. He looked so good on Wednesday when I picked him up from rehab. The only contact I've had is a post on facebook last night telling all 1500 "friends" that he is homeless. 2 months ago he lived in a condo with a beautiful girl, a new baby, and a really good job. Then the disease called again and it's all gone. I think he lives in the moment and all the losses and misery goes out of his head when the drink takes over.
We all know that jumping in doesn't help. My only hope for him is "maybe this time."
(((Hugs))) and prayers for continued strength. I'll pray for your son too! I can relate to where you are and understand the whole ball of thoughts. Like my sons, he has to travel his own journey. My prayers for mine is that their journey brings them happiness. Beyond that, I now know they will do whatever they choose to until they do something different. And, I have no say in it!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You did really well. It's a difficult thing to do, it's detaching with love and it gets easier the more you believe you are finally offering appropriate real love rather than fear based reactional love.
Well, he called last night, asking for money. It was a story that sounded very familiar. His phone stopped working and he needed money to activate a new one. He was calling from a phone that belonged to a "nice lady". My son is temporarily staying with a distant relative so I told him I could send her money to help him out. Funny that an hour later I got a text saying "this is my new number" ....he got the phone. He has lied so much over the past few years that he is running out of fresh stories!! I later sent a message to him on Facebook saying that I love him no matter what is going on in his life, that he can always call and that I will no longer do anything that could jeopardize his sobriety!!!! Feeling proud of myself but so sad for my child that he is still so delusional.
The disease is indeed cunning and powerful . Alanon meetings, the Steps,and a sponsor helped me to maintain my serenity and courage as I successfully detached from the insanity.
Acceptance of my powerlessness over this disease was so important .
carolm - keep working your program - it will get easier and easier when you continue using the program and tools provided.
(((Hugs))) to you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My son called again last night and didn't ask for anything!!!!! He admitted his laziness and lack of motivation in seeking help. I explained to him again why I had decided to change my (enabling) behavior and I think he accepts the changes. He knows that "it's time" for him to step off the elevator that's only going down!
Please pray for this extremely passive, master procrastinator to focus on getting help! He knows what it feels like, he's been to rehab and was so uplifted and happy. Unfortunately, the program was too short (30 days) which is all I could afford. So now it's on him to find a program that will accept the indigent, which sadly he is. These programs have long waiting times and the addicted person must "get it together" to call in each day to check for an open bed. My fear is that he will quickly become discouraged. I am praying that he will find the strength to stick with it or that he will find a kind person who will help him.
He's in the San Diego area, so there are lots of options and also lots of people who need help! Please pray for him to get into a program before he ends up back on the street and (I fear) back in jail (he just did 2 months for possession). Funny, he seemed happy in jail, no decisions to make, but he says that he doesn't want to go back! Please pray for him to find the clarity he needs now and for me to stay focused on loving him without enabling!
You're doing a great job of keeping your hands off his recovery. None of us could every credit ourselves for getting anyone else sober but offering loving support rather than enabling certainly can help to keep the path clear for the alcoholic keep choosing sobriety if they're inclined to do so.
It's one day at a time for all of us - those of us in Alanon and those in AA. Hard as it may be at this time, do what you can to stay present. The things you're worrying about might very well never happen. We become so accustomed to the other shoe dropping, it's hard to entertain the thought of hope for too long. Being cautiously optimistic might feel about right. The serenity prayer has helped me a lot at these times and daring to be grateful one day at at time.
Prayers for you and your son. There's hope and recovery. Maybe you'll do enjoyable for yourself today with your hp accompanying you. No need to let worry steal your present moments nor the joyful feeling that your son is recovering today. (((hugs))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thanks to everyone here!! The validation and moral support here at this website is so helpful. Addiction is such a lonely thing for the addict and for those who love them.
The last "advice" I gave my son was to seek out people who have had the same struggles and found a better way to live! They are the only ones who can guide him. I told him to pray for the courage to reach out and open up ......in other words, go to a meeting!
CarolM - you are doing great and I've got your son and you in my prayers. Hang in there and keep working this program. It's for you - and you deserve it!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Saying no was the hardest thing! I felt good about it but very sad at the same time.