The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading some of the posts and I saw one about an anniversary that an ah started drinking again. I started thinking in the past 4 years that my ah and I have been together how many anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, there was a feeling of not good in the air and I have to tell you all of them. My ah was very good and destroying the happiness around special events. I think it was because the focus wasn't all about him. He told me things were really good for awhile and then it just got bad again and I realized that anytime I took the focus off of him and into myself then our relationship went downhill fast. We are separated (since July) and we are no closer then when he left. I'm scared but the more I don't choose me the angrier I get when it's about him. We didn't have much of a relationship anyway it was based on work and chaos and yet it is still hard for me to just end it. Amazing but I am seeing I deserve better and can have better if I just let go. My head is done with him and my heart is very close. I don't feel anything for him- I am numb, mad and tired. Maybe that's why I haven't ended it, I just need time to get the strength to do it. I'm tired of blaming, tired of so much actually. I feel tired to my bones today- it happens every time we have a blow up. This time I can't even remember or care what it is about.
(((Helpangel))) - thank you for your share. For me, working the program and learning to accept things as they are and detaching from what is not 'mine' helped me clear my mind a bit to make rational decisions. My hope is that you can keep moving forward and find a bit of peace in taking care of you. It's not the most natural choice for those of us who've live with this disease but it's so worth while.
Thoughts and prayers for you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi. The quote in the C2C today is a powerful one to consider: It is from Hillel; "if I'm not for myself, who will be for me? And if I'm only for myself, what am I? And if not now-- when?
Keep taking care of yourself by attending meetings and using the tools.
((((helpangel)))) I feel the same way. Although I am still living with my AH I feel that my love has really diminished. I love him and I want what is best for him but I am just not sure how much more I want to endure. My prayers are with you as you do what is best for you.
With time and practice I've learned that HP will point out to me when I've found the "enough is enough" line in the sand. No one every taught me about boundaries in my family, but I'm learning about them now.
Also, a big shocker is that I can have a boundary and it's just a fact. In other words, it's not a reaction to anger or chaos that causes me to blow up and draw the line. It's more like " Yep, there's my boundary. Let me tell you about it and where it stands. " I can state is as a fact without getting all riled up now. It's nice to feel the peace that comes with working this program.
I hope you're taking good care of yourself and finding some rest for that fatigue that comes with this disease.
I have been wonderinģ about the same thing, except it is in reards to my 35 year old AD. When it is a spouse, one can separate or divorce. But when it is a child, who conti ues the behaviors that one associates with teenagers (getting drunk, using drugs, making stupid mistakes, being taken advantage of, etc), one wonders when is enough enough in the parent/grown up child situation.
My heart goes out to u and your daughter. I can't even imagine how that would hurt a mom! ((Hugs))) big time..thank u for the posts everyone it is nice to know I'm not alone sometimes.
Last Mother's Day, AH picked a fight with me, which I refused to
participate in and then the sulky human being refused to visit with
my Mother or recognize me on the day either. It was, at first a bit
sad, but you know, as the day went on, I felt like he did me a
favor. It is just the disease rearing it's ugly head, and I will not
let it effect me, period. I went to see my Mother and family and
had a great time!!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Helpangel, Sounds like we are married to the same AH...but we are not. We are just married to the same disease....Thank you for sharing I can totally relate to being so tired. I am exhausted from trying to be stronger than how I feel. But I do know its going to be worth it and finally am doing something for me...and focusing everything on AH. I did not realize until 2 months ago when my sister passed away the focus thing, it was then that it brought everything to a head when I admitted to myself there is a problem here. my focus was on my mother, my other sisters, her husband, her grown children...her grandchildren...An poor AH felt all alone (he said). And not once during that time was there any condolence from him...and he felt alone.....whatever....a week later I went to a friend who is also a dr. and told this to her...and she is the one that mentioned Al Anon to me, and loaned me a book. It was the book that got me here. that was a month ago today. and on sat i will go to a f2f. When the time is right you will know what to do..let go and let God ...HP will guide you in the right direction. You are in my prayers as is everyone else here....
Helpangel I know how you feel, nothing feels right and everything you try feels wrong until you can't feel anymore. One thing that has helped me here is the give it 6 months before making any major decisions. Once I realized I didn't really have to make a decision right away, it helped. Please know I wish you all the peace you deserve.
This sentence really popped out at me, " I'm scared but the more I don't choose me the angrier I get when it's about him." Sometimes when we live with this disease it is so hard to recognize our own needs and feelings. We are very used to the needs of the disease. Maybe you need to keep choosing YOU for a while and see where your heart leads you. Keep working the steps and take care of you. It really does work if you work it.
H.A. - big hugs it took me a long time of back and forth. I caused myself a lot more pain than necessary. What I discovered with the work I did in alanon is my marriage was based on the issues of alcoholism if those were taken away very honestly there was nothing left. He said the only thing we had in common was the kids and honestly we don't have that. He's completely checked out. My fear about letting go had a lot to do with a very selfish self centered question .. What if he got better without me and deep down I thought I was a terrible person who drove a good man down the tubes .. Umm no. Btw he already had these issues and good partners don't lie, cheat and steal. I didn't have to make any decisions today. That was the real freedom in this. I started taking care of me and my relationship did die. I didn't. He did not get better .. And now I pray he does. If nothing else for the kids sake. That doesn't mean I don't deal with fits of anger and frustration .. thank goodness I don't deal with the direct chaos he has going on. 20k irs debt and so on. Any way hang tough and just keep taking care of you .. Honor yourself and choices .. Just let him do the same if he doesn't value himself enough to get help that's on him. Hugs s :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I don't have an AH but most of my family members are alcoholic, and believe me it's tough to know when to draw the line and call it quits when you still care about these people and believe they can get better. In my experience, the cycle of getting better and relapsing can go on forever so I've learned to distance myself until I see positive, long-term signs of change. It's different with family members though since you can never really "get away" from them the way you can a partner. I hope clarity reaches you and that you continue to see your self-worth amidst the negativity. Life is too short to spend it living for other people.
