The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Lack of self confidence, fear of taking the first step, denial of own sickness, arrogance, I was I don't need help, I've got this, I'm in charge. Also, some folk think they are working it whilst not really knowing what it is.x just my take.x
Honestly? Mine was in large part the fear of seeing what my future would look like. I know that sounds TERRIBLE but I was afraid I would go and the room would be full of people who were miserable with their lives because of their As, and had been miserable for 5, 10, 20, 30+ years. Having only been involved with my A for 4 years and married 2, I was afraid it would make me realize that it would never get better and that I would still be miserable 30 years from now. So basically...denial!
Also just not realizing that I needed recovery too, not just my A.
I wasn't really sure if my problem was "As Bad" as those in the room. I felt I was betraying my AH by going to the meeting because everyone would know it was because of him that I was there and his secret would be out. Also, I knew that he would be angry because he "doesn't have a problem" with alcohol. Once I got there and heard them speak I thought, "My problem really ISN'T as bad as everyone else". And then it was my turn to share and I did and it all came out of me in a rush and that experience and reading the literature helped me to realize that I was very sick and needed that room more than anyone else.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
I went to some F2F meetings but in all honesty for me it wasn't fear, but convenience using online meetings. I enjoyed the personal contact at F2F but I got more out of online meetings. I could wash dishes and cook dinner with my lap top on the counter. I didn't need to pay for a babysitter. Plus I could re read things and get the most out of it. I put more thought into it. If something really resonated with me... I read it several times. I am more of a thinker that way. I also made some great connections online and feel more comfortable sharing. After all who judges a screen name? Not that anyone did in person either.
I did enjoy meeting other struggling new people in F2F meetings. One time a mom and dad of an addict came to a F2F meeting with an agenda... how do we talk to our addict daughter. We tried everything and pointed out everything they tried to do for her to 'cure' her. I remembered that feeling. They didn't know how all the people struggling with alcoholic loved ones could help them. I felt useful, because I knew exactly what they were going through and my husband had the same drug of choice. I t was nice to speak up and say it truly applies to everyone give it a chance. That was a nice connection to make. But online meetings resonate with me the most over all. I have even done a lot of online counseling with a video chat. I guess I am wired that way. It works.
But it does have more anonymity for someone who is afraid to really face the problem and perhaps carries guilt and shame. What if everyone knew what he or she does? I shouldn't let my husband/wife treat me that way. I shouldn't allow them to drink. If only I did____ it would have stopped. What if someone I know is there? It takes time to free yourself from the burden of covering someone else's actions and choices to protect yourself. It takes time to admit that their choices are not YOUR choices and YOU are not to blame and there is no shame in Al Anon. Many new people, first seeking help still have that mindset. It took me a LONG time to let go of it. Attending face 2 face means telling others what you are only starting to admit to yourself.
I was one who thought my life/experience was worse than others, so my shame and guilt kept me from having the strength to go.
I am also very private with my emotions, and I knew I would cry if anyone spoke to me, so there was a pride element too that kept me afraid of going.
I knew I needed help but truly thought I was too far gone to recover. Gosh.....I was so beat down....
Great thread and what a great reminder of where I was and how grateful I am for this program!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
For me it was denial, afraid what my husband would say (co-dependent) and a lack of self esteem. But, I felt such peace and love after going to my first meeting. All of us were dealing with the same disease. It was very powerful and so glad I found Al-anon. I truly feel that I would not be here today if I would have not gone to my first meeting.
Mine was also denial and fear of the unknown...I went and then left and waited and then went again when things got worse as I was told they would and then I stayed and haven't moved since then...2/8/79 sooooo grateful.
For me, part of the reluctance was stereotypes I had of what it would be like. I thought it would be hokey, and that I would be expected to say "My name is ________ and I am an ______ ."
I think I had seen comedy routines making fun of AA-type meetings.
By the time I found a meeting and went, I was too desparate to care about any of that. I was willing to do anything to start feeling better. I had hit my personal bottom. Maybe that is what it takes.
I'm just shy and it's stressful for me to be around people before I know them pretty well. That said, the pain of it was more the anticipation than actually doing it. Actually doing it was pretty easy once I got there.
I struggle with chronic illness and going to a F2F spent those very precious and few energy dollars I had left d/t illness. It was hard to drive there, participate, listen and get home without total exhaustion. For me- on line meetings, speaker tapes, work books and this forum has kept me centered and healthy because I can conserve physical energy as well as emotional energy while working my program.
To start, I have a anxiety/panic disorder which I am trying to overcome. Also as said previous the guilt trip I felt when I left my AH when I went to my first meeting, it was close but I refused to let it stop me. I knew I needed the f2f meeting. I had a number to call a friend of a friend for over a week, but I finally made the call... It was the best thing I ever did. I was exhausted when I got back because of my anxiety, but it was worth it.
Pride on my part. The fear that, living in a fairly small community, I would be outing my AH and son, and that would be disrespectful to them. The fear that people would gossip outside those walls. The cringing in my soul that people would see me cry and realize I am not the strong person I so want myself to be. And yes, the fear that I was making it much worse than it is and people would scoff at me. Over the years, I have been told so often by drinking family members that I am the one with the problem, that everyone drinks and I have to just let go that I have begun to believe it.
But I am just so glad that I went to that first meeting. There is a poster on my wall that says, "Don't believe everything you think". All my fears and worries and fretting were dispelled in the warm welcome and insight I got starting with that first meeting.
Fear of the unknown, the thought that people would know this about my wife (and me, I was pretty ashamed of it too). When I got close to the room I thought I heard a friend in there, I freaked out and went back to my car. Reasoned weith myself that if he was in there, there was a good reason that I didn't know, and that he would be able to help me. I walked back in and it wasn't him anyway.
Then, like Jerry, I went a couple of meetings and I decided I just wasn't so bad. So didn't come back for a year, until wife had gone to 2nd rehab after 2nd DUI.
RealitySucker, I had never thought of that, but I can see how fear that you could see your own future and that it would be BAD for years could be a real problem. That one would go away in the first 10 minutes of most meetings, but the fear of it would definitely keep me fgrom going.
Living in a small town full of very nosey people. I knew that if my son ever came back to this town, it would be just one more thing for him to "live down".
