The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
DS got drunk for several days. Didn't go to work at his new great job. GF and mother of their 3 month old, got an order of protection. Cops came and threw him out. For the first time ever, he took care of himself. Called a detox and went directly there. 4 days later he landed in rehab. Wednesday he leaves after 16 days total. He calls every day from a pay phone. I will pick him up. There is no public transportation where he is. I will take him to the police station so an officer can escort him home to pick up clothes, wallet, social security card etc. I'm sure his job is gone since there has been no contact for 22 days. I booked an airbnd room for 4 nights in the town where he lives. I paid for it. He needs to be there because of probation and his 3x weeks meetings. He has $300 dollars and perhaps a check for $200 at the house. The room is booked for someone else on Sunday so he has to leave. He really should go to a sober living house but there is a 3 month wait.
I will do nothing else for him. He has 4 days to find a room or a place to stay. He needs to find a job, go to his meetings, take his meds because he is bi polar. (he never takes them) I can't help him anymore. He needs to suffer his own consequences. I am trying to detach with love, but I am so fearful. How will I bear it when he calls and says he has no where to go? I know I have to say sorry i can't help you, but it is killing me. I want to grab him up as I have many times before, but that is useless and it helps me for a short time, but not him. I am only keeping him from his reality. When I talk to my sponsor I know I am doing the right thing. I am ok for a short time and then I am overwhelmed with fear and misery and disappointment and guilt. I am saying no for me and not doing what he thinks he needs.
He drinks when the bipolar swing starts. In between he is smart and funny and loving etc. But then he becomes awful, reaches a new low, and then picks up the pieces, but each time his new situation is less good then the previous one.
(((Laurab))) I do so hear you and understand the pain, sadness and fear of which you speak. What helped me was to share about it as you have done, know that I had done my best and helped out many times even if it was unsuccessful and then read several pages in the C2C .
Reciting the serenity prayer over and over as I attempted to accept that my son, like everyone else had his own HP and that each life is unfolding as it should be, not the way it would have it unfold if I had written the script.
Prayers and positive thoughts for you and your son. You are not alone
So sorry for the feelings and pain you are having. I have been there with my AS and it's so not fun or uncomfortable. The rehab my son was at gave him some options that included places for indigent persons. I was very clear with them and him that he could not return home. It was a stop-gap, and it worked until he got a job. He owed them money and there were rules but in our town/location, there were options.
It was one of the hardest things I ever did but it was necessary. I also chose to not be the 'coordinator' for any of this but let him and the rehab work it out/figure it out.
I don't know if that helps but if he tells them he is truly homeless, they will work the discharge plan differently than if he has a place to go. At least, they did here.
One day at a time, and so very glad to hear that you've got a sponsor and support. (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
He said that the rehab told him to go to the homeless shelter in nyc. That won't work because it's too far from his probation officer and groups. The sober houses n his county doesn't allow people to work. He is obsessed with getting a job and supporting his baby. He thinks that's the way to get home and be back to before this relapse. He is probably telling me the truth. I just don't know where he can go and now I am obsessed with wishing I could control everything ,which of course I can't.
Laurab, I to am so sorry you are experiencing this difficult period. It is necessary to let him go and Let God take care of him and detach. Continue with your Al-anon meetings and there you will get the face to face support that you need to build clarity, serenity and peace. {{HUGS}}
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Public transportation is alive and well ... my son learned this first hand. That thought popped into my head as that's a phrase I shared with my boy. He was so used to my rescuing that he had a million excuses/reasons why he could not or should not do what they were suggesting. As painful as it was to watch/experience, he did spend time in the homeless center(s) of our area. He actually ended up being kicked out and asked to never return again. In my entire life, I've never heard of a person being booted permanently from a homeless shelter, but he accomplished this with his lack of regard for rules.
I agree with Debb - letting Go and letting God step in is a great choice. My experience is that the longer I stayed engaged, the longer he remained passive in his existence and life.
Hang in there....(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Today, for the first time in years, I felt really angry at my son. I know it's the disease but he is so selfish, ungrateful, living in the moment with no recollection of the past, repeating the same crap over and over, no respect for anyone, and I have to pick him up at the rehab, hope the police will accompany him to his house so he can get his wallet and SS card, clothing for job hunting etc. Then I am dropping him at the airbnb room I booked for 4 days and he is on his own. It's hard to love him. I know I do, but I dread the day tomorrow. I am not suggesting anything to him. If I think his timetable for the day is wrong I will just keep quiet. Nor will I listen to nonsense about how his partner made him drink. I wish it was tomorrow night.
Laura
I second the positive thoughts and prayers (((Laura))). One moment at a time, we do the next right thing. And yes, we make mistakes and we live and learn.
Hang in there and I'll hope for the best outcome possible!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Its a hard one, what are you going to do when its your son...
You seem to know what you think you must do or what the books tell you that you should do, but its your son...
I say pray, don't give up hope, support your son...and try to make the best decisions you can for both of you. Keep some boundaries as best you can..
and don't try to strategize or project what you think will happen when you try to let go. You need to let go sometimes and see what the Universe has in store for your son, it could be better than you could imagine. You are reflecting fear upon him.
All you can do is your best and don't love him to death..let him fail if he has too.
Hugs, keep coming back Bettina
I have been reading some books about how to help children with their academic work, which I know sounds like a different topic, but I realized that I had fallen into a pattern with my A's as well as with my teen son. That is, they underfunction and then I overfunction to take care of them. In the case of my son, who's only 13, it's a little more understandable, but still not helpful. I haven't really gotten over the fact that he's not four any more! And because I'm still kinda treating him like he's four, he's kinda acting like he's four.
But I think it's even more alarming when I've done it with adults. I've seen that I've ended up with a series of men who can't support themselves (let me rephrase that - who won't support themselves). Who often can't get the simplest things done. I said it wrong by accident again! Who won't get the simplest things done. It's like they try out the helplessness and I come running to fix it, because I don't want them to feel pain and I want to be needed and valuable. And it also makes me feel good, like I'm the big organized one. I don't always feel so effective in my life, but next to them, I feel effective. But then we fall into this dynamic where I'm the doer and they're the taker. My ex-AH still says to me, when I talk about anything like parenting, keeping our son's events organized, or paying for our son's expenses - "But it comes naturally to you and it's hard for me. So why should I have to do it?" His mom did it for him and then I did it for him and now he's gotten to the age of 60-something without taking the reins and doing stuff for himself.
I think that's what happens when we swoop in and do things for able-bodied adults. They never learn their own power, and they think the only way to get something is to act helpless until someone does it for them. We're rewarding their helplessness. I used to berate my ex-AH for not stepping up to the plate, but I can see that at the same time I was rewarding his behavior, because I'd do it for him. All he had to endure was a little yelling on my part.
The trick to letting them find their power is to be able to be okay with our fear and anxiety about what might happen to them. Of course they're going to play that for all it's worth. A friend of mine had a son who would threaten to commit suicide every time his dad wouldn't give him money. They went through 15+ years of this. I thought if the son really was suicidal, the thing to do would be to call the emergency services, and if he was just manipulative, the thing to do would be to call the emergency services, to show him how alarming those kinds of threats are. But basically my friend was paying his son to threaten suicide, if you see what I mean. Because every time he did it, his dad gave him money.
I hope you can consider enduring the temporary anxiety in favor of letting your son feel the power of solving his own problems.
And I hope you can get plenty of support for yourself. This stuff isn't easy. Hang in there. Hugs.
I picked DS up at the rehab after 16 days yesterday morning. He looked better than he has looked in a long time. He was very quiet. We went to the police station so an officer could accompany us to his house to pick up some of his stuff so he can look for a job. I stayed in my car. (His girlfriend and mother of his baby has a order of protection for unruly behavior while drunk.) She wasn't there. Her brother met us. Then we went to a diner cause I was starving and when I'm stressed that's my drug. From there I drove him to the airbnb that I booked and paid for in the town where his probation officer and meetings and his counselors all work. It's the same town he lives in. I paid for 4 nights. He has $300 left from his last paycheck and he expects a commission check for his lost job, but he doesn't know the amount. He had an appointment last night with the couples therapist, alone, and he had a meeting with his probation AA group. Today was his probation counselor and then he was going to the YMCA to see if he could get a room. he set this all up on his own, including the police. I was just a driver. I made zero suggestion and the only thing I gave him was a phone charger so he could charge his phone in my car.
I drove away from the airbnb house and I haven't heard a thing since. He needs to find a job.
I am a wreck as usual. I am not calling to find out how the appointments went and how he feels. I feel so terrible when I think about his good times, when he has a good job, a family, a car, a nice place to live, friends and then he blows it. He breaks my heart. I am doing nothing, but I am so scared of the Sunday call that might come if he has nowhere to go. I know I can't go pick him up and bring him here. Done that and it never works.
My son just posted on facebook- On Sunday I am officially homeless and will be sleeping in a shelter. Good job Joe! No home, no girl, no baby, no job, no money!
I expect he is doing this for sympathy and maybe someone will offer him a place. He has 1500 friends on FB. I don't know what happened with the YMCA and I am not calling or texting or messaging. I can't even eat right now. This is probably the 4th time in my life that I am too distressed to eat. Maybe this is the new diet and I will get thin at last. Ha
((Laurab)), I feel your pain!!!! I have paid for the Motel6 for weeks at a time when my son got so drunk and crazy that his roommates kicked him out. It was winter and he would have frozen to death outside in a small town with no shelter for homeless. I have paid for a sober living home only to find out that he didn't get the job that he told everyone he had. He was just walking around all day while we thought he was working! When he was arrested, the truth came out! He had been homeless, left the sober living home and was back on drugs! While, in jail, he was all about getting help and going to rehab, now.......well we'll see! All we can do is take it one day at a time and love them the best we know how, pray for strength and wisdom!!!!!
A shelter is a good choice for him. At shelters they have people who know how to find other places to iive, plus the other folks sleeping at the shelter will know. Maybe he will dislike the shelter enough that he will start making some proactive choices. Sounds like things are going just the way they should.
So sorry that the stress has affected your appetite. I tend to stress eat in moments like this - sigh - so I put on weight if I'm not careful.
Detachment will be your best tool at this point in time. Getting active in this program will help you live your life in spite of what he is or is not doing. I am so sorry for your pain and worry - been there and done that. It's just so not fun and tugs at the heart. I've been told by my favorite Aunt that if I am worrying, I am not praying. It's a good reminder for me to turn it over and keep doing it.
(((Hugs))) for you. He's gonna do what he's gonna do. Take care of you and be gentle with yourself.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hugs .. I'm so sorry this is going on .. there is such hope .. my XAH's s/mom's son how's that for a round about way of saying it .. lol .. I remember her calling me so distressed because he was living under a bridge. Lost everything yet again and somehow violated probation that he still swears that's not how it went down .. it doesn't matter .. what happened was he went to prison for a parole violation .. decided prison was not for him and got his act together. I mean really together, to the point he's working at a sober living house and getting his master's in psychology .. he's a very smart man. I believe he's been sober now for over 3 years and still going strong .. there just comes a point they have to do what they have to do to get to where they need to get and I TOTALLY agree with Mattie about the issue of when I treat someone like they can't .. they don't. It's hard as a parent to let go and trust that the kids know what they are doing .. you know my daughter has shown me that she knows what's up and my son is doing the same thing .. I have been forced to let go and let them fly .. they falter .. however .. they are doing just fine in their own way and time.
When they are grown it is something about the dreams we have for them that gets in the way instead of letting them be who they are .. it is sad when children find themselves in these pickles.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you all for your kindness and good thoughts. Today was hard. I didn't hear from DS or try to contact him. I did worry and I did get my work done. Working helps. It distracts and helps to detach. I did spend a great deal of time worrying about my hair. That's also a great distraction even though it's so silly in midst of my chaotic brain. I can't decide whether to go back to the same hair stylist or try someone new. It's so much nicer and easier to worry about one's hair than one's biploar alcoholic son who might be homeless.
Imagine laurab this is something we all have to go thru to learn. We want them to learn and at the same time we are having to also. These are the best lessons I've ever had and remembered I didn't know at the time that the actual student was myself. My alcoholic/addict came to understand later on and then she came anyway. Let go and let God was the foundation for it all and at first I was dumb as a stick and didn't know how and the fellowship is what brought me around. Today I do it the way I learned it cause that is best. Get into the meetings with a wide open mind, ask questions and for more help you will never be denied. Be willing and patient and keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
It DOES help to stay busy! Even cleaning the house helps me to push back my obsession with my son's behavior. Even when I interact with my beautiful grandchildren (by my other two kids) my thoughts are still with the one who just can't seem to get his life on track! Lord knows, I have tried to run his life for him and that did not work! I haven't heard anything from him in two days and that was just a text, but he knows that I love him and will be there to talk when he's ready. Hang in there!!!!! What else can we do?
carolm-Obsession is the correct word for my life the last 15 years of ups and downs. When he is ok and functioning, which he can do well, I can live a normal life. That can last a few months. Then the binge starts and chaos and loss result with me always trying to smooth things out. For the past 2 years he has been with a truly lovely smart woman who is an enabling queen. She loves the good way he can be. But now there is a 4 month old and she must protect this gorgeous little guy. So she has an order of protection which means no one associated with my son can contact her. That includes me.
Last night I got a text saying that he is going into a shelter Monday and he is sending out resumes for a job. I don't know where he is today or where he is sleeping tonight. He is not drinking. He is cyclical so unless something happens, he is good till December. Or maybe this time he will take his meds and go to meetings and counseling and maybe this time it won't happen.
Just an update. I stayed out of it. He wound up in a shelter last night. He texted at 10:30 that is was a really bad place. He had alternatives with a friend and my sister who offered him her couch. He was intent on getting food stamps today so he thought staying in the shelter last night near DSS was a good idea.
Today a check came to my house from money he earned before he fell apart. He had asked them to send it to me, because he can't go near his own house because of the order of protection. I texted him and sent the money via Western Union. He said he had some job interviews set up in his field. That's all very nice, but unless he finds a way to prevent the next bipolar event without drinking, it's useless.
But I feel so much better. I didn't rescue. I didn't give him money. I didn't reassure him or anything. I don't know what he would have done if the check had not arrived and I am glad that it did. But again, it's all useless if he drinks again in 3 months. (that's his reliable time frame)
Thanks again for all the support here.
Laura
