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I think I'm just here to vent, but my head is spinning, so I'm really not sure.
Today is my second wedding anniversary. The first conversation AH and I ever had about my perception of his alcohol problem was 3 months before our wedding. Our entire marriage has been consumed by the struggle that is alcoholism. He got a DUI in May, started AA and made it to 74 days of sobriety, then relapsed in July. Was off the wagon, 6 days, recommitted, back to AA, this time with the addition of getting involved in service in the the fellowship, getting a sponsor, and seeing an outside therapist.
Right after his relapse was a really tough time for us, maybe even tougher than right after the DUI, but things had recently begun to get better between us relationship-wise. He was being a lot more open about his feelings and his struggles and we seemed to have a good dialogue going. I was able to talk to him about how I was feeling without him getting angry or defensive. I started seeing his empathetic side again. We were actually having fun together again, enjoying our mutual activities and interests. This past weekend we celebrated our anniversary since it fell on a Monday. We played board games, made our favorite dinner together, watched movies, went for a hike, went shopping, etc. We were even intimate again and it felt good to let myself be vulnerable to him and trust him again.
Well tonight he came home (today's the actual anniversary) and I could tell immediately he'd been drinking. I didn't smell it and he wasn't even acting drunk, but it's like I have a sixth sense now. I did not ask him about it or accuse him of anything. I asked him about his day, he asked me about mine. I kept asking questions about his day and asked about his AA meeting he was supposed to have at 7 p.m. I think he knew that I knew he'd been drinking because he started to get a panicked look. Finally he said, "Look I'll save you some time. I've been drinking."
Now in some ways, I might actually view this as progress, because 1.) I didn't accuse him and 2.) In the past he never would have fessed up, he would have lied and covered up until the shit was piled so deep he'd need 5 shovels to find his way out.
But fool me once, fool me twice...I'm a fool I guess, because I did not see this coming. After he admitted to the drinking he immediately began crying and apologizing and saying he couldn't believe he disappointed me again, etc. I did not speak for a while and just let him blubber. That devolved into him trying to explain WHY he drank, which was basically that he doesn't feel AA is a good fit for him and he's sick of a room full of people telling him what he can/can't do and he's had it in his had recently that he can now drink responsibly and wanted to prove it. (I've heard this one before...)
He started begging me to tell him what I was thinking and feeling and I tried to stay calm and respond, not react. I tried to stand in my own truth and I told him that all I know is I don't feel I could ever be comfortable in a relationship with him if alcohol was also a part of his life. That if he truly believes he can drink responsibly and chooses to do that, fine, but I personally can't handle it because of our history. I tried to be very careful not to phrase it like an ultimatum or to put it in a controlling way, but just to draw a boundary and mean what I said.
It's been about an hour now and he's pacing, crying, telling me he needs me, I'm the only thing he has to hold on to, he needs to be close to me now, needs hugs, etc etc etc. This is so hard because when he gets to this point is usually when I start to cave and hug him and tell him it'll be OK and I'm here for him.
I can't do that tonight. I have to let him deal with this on his own. I can't try to take away his pain. It will not help him. That is what I am trying to remind myself of as I go about my business (I have a lot of work I need to get done tonight) while listening to him plead with me on the other side of the door.
Where we go from here, I don't know. If he doesn't want to do AA anymore, if he wants to drink again, I can't stop him. I can only control what I do in response.
This isn't how I wanted to spend my anniversary, to say the least.
I am so sorry. What a painful disappointment. How horrible to spend a day like this, and especially your anniversary.
I can see that your husband is still in the very beginnings of his program (in so far as he's in a program at all, which clearly he isn't). What I mean is that instead of vowing to himself to be better at working his program - maybe looking up meetings, calling fellow AA guys, doing what he can - he's pleading with you. As if you're his Higher Power. As if, if you stayed with him, his drinking would be okay! And could continue! So all he has to do is persuade you to stay and then he's hunky-dory.
Whereas no one can have a healthy relationship, even if their partner stays, if they're a drinking alcoholic. He's trying to put a Band-Aid on the situation when it's way too big for a Band-Aid.
And so painful for you. You sound like you've got your wits about you, sorrowful as you are.
I hope you have a meeting to go to? No one should have to go through this without maximum support.
HI RS I am sorry that this dreadful disease is causing you additional pain. Keeping the focus on yourself, your chores and allowing him the dignity to make a positive decision as to is his next right action is a great idea.
If he is attending AA meetings he should have some telephone numbers to call for support.
Thanks Mattie. The F2F meeting I attend is Tuesday evenings and of course tomorrow evening I have a meeting for work at the exact same time. I might have another one I can try and get to Thursday, but it's not my home group.
I came back in to post an update, which is that he apparently called his mom, who is the ultimate enabler, and after talking to her came back in to tell me that he has had an "aha!" moment. That moment is apparently realizing that the reason his sobriety hasn't been successful is I haven't been supportive enough.
I too am so sorry that this is the way your day has gone. I am so glad you found the time/strength to post here. I see your program in action and I hear you standing in your truth. I also understand the 'begging at the door'.....that's so hard to endure. I am just glad that I put a lock on mine, although it's been picked, kicked and well - my A(s) tend to get angry when they don't get their way vs. sad/sappy.
As best the program tells me, you have said your peace and beyond that, it's good to go about your evening. You don't have to do anything else this evening including more talk and/or action. I don't know if you've got a sponsor but this would certainly be a gr8 time to chat with one or a program friend.
It is at times like this I have to remind myself that I love my As....but I hate this disease.
(((Hugs))) to you - prayers for peace and positive thoughts too.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I do understand also and agree with Mattie...of course he's gonna find a way to blame you. My AH who hasn't drank in almost 2 weeks but refuses to attend AA or get a therapist tells me it's all my fault still. I don't love him enough, I don't show him I love him enough, and there are other things he says but that's besides the point. They love to blame us, it's just easier I guess. And like Mattie, I just laugh now, and say, I did not cause your problem.
Good luck friend, I send hugs and prayers your way.
It's so much easier to blame someone who loves you than to take responsibility for ones own action. My DS always has a reason for drinking. It's never because he is bi polar and cyclical and doesn't take his meds and then drinks to end the cycle. It's because of someone or something else. And he will insist that he would not have fallen off if whatever it was had not happened.
I know how hard this is Reality and wish you strength and send hugs.
It's great that you didn't get caught up in this. You refocused and did what you had to do for yourself. You're standing in your own truth and letting him do the same. Whatever he chooses, you've respected him as an adult to make his own choice and are making choices that honor you and are not enabling him. It's natural to feel disappointment but the energy has changed now. You changed it by showing him you're being true to yourself. Thanks for sharing about your progress. Keep strong and keep coming back. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Reality I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I loved (insert sarcasm) your husbands Ah ha moment. Alcoholics will do anything to get a drink, including blaming others for their relapses and not wanting to be sober. All I can say is I think you handled this situation very well. Not enabling is very good too so great that you didn't rush in with a hug. Try to keep the focus on you. Unfortunately he will do what he wants to do. You will have to play it by ear and see what you feel is right. At the end of the day you just need to know you will be alright either with or without him. I often wonder what i will do if my AH relapses but I hope that if he does, I have as much courage as you have shown in this share. Best of luck and know we are all here for you.
Thanks everyone. This is so tough. I am still finding it really hard to figure out where the line between support and enabling is. I never know if I am crossing it or if I'm holding back so much I'm actually be UNsupportive. Am I being dishonest by holding back on telling him how I really feel? (Which, in the moment last night would not have helped because I would have been unleashing anger and frustration, etc.) Ugh so confusing.
This morning was terrible. I got up and AH hadn't gone to work, he was refusing to get out of bed and saying he was too depressed and physically weak to go. I was stressed because we're already struggling financially and his job isn't exactly secure or lucrative. I was trying to listen and support but in my head wanted to tell him to get the eff up and deal with it. Obviously I knew that wouldn't be helpful! As I was getting ready I was venting via Facebook message to my one sister who I can trust and talk to about these things and it turns out AH logged into my account in the other room (I was using my phone app to message her, he logged into my account on the computer) and read everything I was saying. UGH. He was angry, accused me of talking about him behind his back (which I was doing, but c'mon I need to be able to talk to someone about this), and of being deceitful because I wasn't telling him everything I was saying to her. One part of me felt hugely violated by this and the other part defaulted to feeling guilty about things I said. I'm still torn between those two only now I feel like I don't have a safe place to vent. I can't be sure he's not reading these boards!
At least his anger toward me motivated him to get out of bed...I think he ended up calling his sponsor and going to a meeting, though I can't be 100% sure.
Ugh do I have to go home tonight? I want to run away.
Totally feel Ya. I avoid home a lot! Do not let him make you feel guilty you have no reason to feel bad. You do need someone to talk to. I got a text earlier from my AH asking me who all I have told that he's an alcoholic. I said whys it matter? I refuse to feel bad for his problem! Cheer up you will feel better with time.
Reality. I have also found that alcholics don't want their dirty little secret out there. Partially because then they would really have to deal with it....at least that is how I felt with my husband. They just want to continue on drinking and have no consequences for their actions and not have to answer for their bad behavior. When my husband first started to bottom out he didn't want me telling anyone. Then I realized this was just his way to try and control the situation so he could still drink. Let me tell you once I started to tell a few close friends and family members what was really going on I felt this huge weight lifted off of me. Don't get me wrong, I am not going around announcing it to everyone but I did tell a few close friends and they have been such amazing support. You need a big support system around you right now so there is no harm telling your sister. Don't feel bad, he should feel bad for logging onto your account and reading your private messages.
RS this is the disease in bloom!! Sad with you and have felt and thought what you are feeling and thinking though that was years ago when I found the doors of Al-Anon for real and for the first real time. The front door to recovery in AA and Al-Anon is DENIAL and I had to get through it or stay outside and go crazy and die. Though I was born and raised within the alcoholic family I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know what it was, how it ran and even how to pronounce and spell it. Thank you Al-Anon and all of the program brothers and sisters that held me up and stood by me sharing their ESH constantly...they never let me down or refused to help. The alcoholic is our addiction just as the alcohol is theirs. You cannot make him feel what the chemical can so you are not his first or only love and will arrive at being the most hated person in his life if he continues to drink alcoholically and blame. You are the first blame and if he doesn't get help you will be lumped within all of his other justifications for why...
My alcoholic/addict wife attempted to use me as the focal point of her addictions until we agreed she was drinking and using long before she met me and then I became a mild irritant she could anesthetize with a drink and or drug. She was a beautiful soul enslaved within the disease. She eventually got sober and we had no reason to be married.
Your husband relapsed...That is a daily eventuality for us (I am a double) and since the disease is a compulsion of the mind I never know without certainty when that person (mind) will want to go back out. Gratefully I am a full time member of both the world-wide fellowships of Al-Anon and AA.
Continue to love him unconditionally while ending your addiction to him. It sounds like you are there right now so grab a hold (picture this) of your Higher Power's robes and allow yourself to be led by HP and who ever your HP places in your path.
Great that you found your way back home. (((((hugs))))) and prayers.
Well, if he is reading these things, then he can see the chaos, pain and damage that his addiction is causing. Alcoholics want to hide and suppress that so they can continue unhindered. So they typically blame the messenger - as if what we don't say out loud isn't real. The pain and chaos are the real consequences of his choices. If he doesn't like them, he knows where his meetings are, he knows his sponsor's number. I hope you won't feel guilty about a thing. Alcoholism pressures us and pressures to be inauthentic with our dealings with our A and with the world. Reclaiming authenticity is reclaiming health. The fact that A's would ever expect us to act fine about their insanity, and the loss of our healthy and intimate relationship with them - well, that's insanity in itself, isn't it?
Thanks Mattie, I always appreciate your insights. I am trying to absolve myself of guilt, it's so hard. What you said about the pressure to be inauthentic really hit home for me. I often feel I'm not authentic with my AH and usually it ends up coming back to bite me in the butt anyway.
Aah...good old alcoholic insanity. People who control their drinking are able to do so because drinking isn't all that crucial for them. He is not one of those folks. At best, he will be always wanting to drink more and the "controlled drinking" will be an ongoing unpleasant challenge for him. A normal drinker would also not try 80 billion ways to sells themselves and others on the idea they should still drink. In the meanwhile, you have done well to keep your distance, maintain boundaries, and let him own his own disease.
Being inauthentic as Mattie stated is a part of the lies we generate, build on and live...this is the insanity making. I did it on both sides of the disease my own drinking and my wife's drinking and using. Inauthentic and unoriginal...fantasy. It took me a long while to unwind the story and once I got to it (honesty of the program) I kept at it until it unwound completely. With what alcohol does to the brain and emotions we had to have a fantasy to believe in and live. Adducts and alcoholics have a negative fantasy world they live in which is very very hard to come out of. I didn't and wouldn't take the alcoholism assessment possibly for what I'd find out until after 9 years of being alcohol free and in Al-Anon. Al-Anon wouldn't keep me sober cause I wasn't there for me I was there because of an alcoholic/addict wife. I'm blessed to have found the hidden journey that allowed me to find and use the solutions and the people who would and could allow me to learn them and now keep them. Thank you God, ((((hugs))))
Sorry you were disappointed in your husbands relapse and especially on your wedding anniversary.
Perhaps he felt pressured because you are so vested in him. One thing I learned in Alanon is that its his recovery. Its not about being the booze Police. Its not about expectations we may have for the alcoholic.
Alanon is about your recovery...Its about working the steps and learning "We are powerless over people, places and things" Only one we have power over is ourselves.
I guess your allowed to have one vent because it was your Anniversary. I guess he celebrated without you...
Alcoholics relapse, its what they do. We as the spouses have to make a decision we either live with it and work the program or we don't, but either way Alanon is here to give you the tools and solutions.
It may sound like Im tough, but this disorder of Alcoholism is fatal, we must be prepared for anything. My Ex passed away two years ago, the beast of alcoholism killed him , along with the choices he made. Life with an alcoholic is not an easy path, and nobody should tell you what to do with your chosen path. Sobriety from your husband is not promised...keep coming back , because its too overwhelming to go it alone. Support and encouragement is yours ....They say we are the enablers, so we should not enable each other. I say this out of compassion. I have walked in your shoes....lots of hugs,
Bettina
From the alcoholic mindset, I guarantee he keeps lapsing back in to "I'm only quitting for her" and "She is the only one that thinks I have a problem" and "She just doesn't believe in me when I say I know what I am doing." This is why arguing with them or doing anything that enables them is dangerous because they already have the tendency to revert to this mindset. When you keep letting them own their disease, it makes it harder for them to live with. They will always try and turn it into your disease and inevitably, being with an alcoholic, you do develop your own brand of diseased thinking. That is one reason alanon is there.
Not a fun way to spend an anniversary .. I agree with the posters above that this is very dangerous thinking because if they could only find a softer easier way .. after all it would be easier to go that route vs deal with the impaired thinking. Alcoholism is more than just the drinking .. the drinking is merely the tip of the iceberg. You can only see the tip of the iceberg what is underneath is what needs to also be addressed. Isn't it great to be oh so powerful that you have control over his recovery?? NOT! Just saying that is not true .. I love the story I share and I wish for the life of me I could remember if I read it or heard it or what .. yes, I'm an alcoholic. Yes, I have a disease. I am still responsible for the consequence of my choices regardless if I am in my disease or working a program of recovery. I have butchered this so much since I either read or heard it .. lol .. so please forgive me .. that is the what I took away from it and that statement just affected me so much because it is a two way street for those of us who love an active A or an A in recovery. I am still responsible for my choices and active in my distorted thinking or in recovery of my distorted thinking.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
My heart goes out to u. This made me think about me and my ah and how many holidays and anniversaries were not happy occasions b/c of choices he made and I let him manipulate. (Hugs)
It took my husband 4 tries at recovery before he got it. I would encourage him to stick with it and thoroughly work the steps but keep your guard up and do what you need to do to protect you. I'm sorry he chose your anniversary to relapse. Mine had a knack for opportune timing like that. Birthdays, anniversaries, kids birthdays. He was a sneaky drunk. He had a 6 year affair with a bottle. When I read what you wrote about 6th sense, I immediately identified. All itd take is for me to look in his eyes to know and at one point it'd be a "feeling" I'd have when we'd say goodbye in the morning before he'd leave for work. Id just know he'd come home drunk and then the insanity of the denial "I didn't drink" (meanwhile he'd reek of cheap liquor, was slurring and couldn't walk straight) would begin.
