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It has been a while since I posted. More than a year actually. I have done a lot of work on 'ME' after leaving my addict ex-husband. Over the past few years I have really improved a lot. I got emotionally and financially back on my feet. I worked my butt off and was accepted into a Nursing program and have felt pretty stabile. When things with my ex pop up I still have a hard time. I have cut off all contact and my 5 year old daughter doesn't see him or communicate with him either.
My ex went from loving husband I was crazy about to alcoholic pill popper meth addict who was a paranoid scary mess. (way to sum up a few years of hell into one short sentence..right?)
Anyway, I have a great boyfriend, we have been together more than 2 years, and he asked me to marry him a few days a go and BAM...my issues resurface.
It made me really think about the work I have left to do on me. I said yes but inside I am a mess. I keep thinking what if? Will he really stay? What if he gets tired of me, or my kids, or changes once we marry?What if he starts drinking more and more then becomes an alcoholic? He drinks occasionally, he does more than I like, but he is rarely drunk, doesn't drink all the time, and is responsible about it (really doesn't seem like alcoholism at all). But it scares me just the same. My ex went from no alcohol, wont even go to a bar ever to crazy in a short span.
It boils down to- I am scared to be tied to one person there are so many things beyond my control. I am sure most Al Anon people see the problem right there huh?
Plus their is still an element of guilt. This would be my 3rd marriage. My first I left him after 8 years of emotional abuse. I am happy I left and in no way regret it.
My second, I left because of his addiction. I was so happy to be with someone who treated me like I was something special. I was someone who finally got him. He 'needed me.' He was an addict and alcoholic but had been sober for a long time so I thought it was over. I didn't understand. *lightbulb now* After all he went through he made me feel like I was so wonderful to love him. When the crazy addiction part came out, I was surprised. It got bad. Like wake up to the guy I love pulling guns on me asking what I told the cops and robbing my house bad. He has several warrants, is hiding in some other sate after a string of thefts. He is no longer a good person I want anything to do with at all. It took me a full year of crazy and trying to help him before I really understood I had to just cut the ties then he left the state.
I still care about him. I probably always will. But it is different now. I loved the moment of time when things were good. I feel guilt though for some crazy reason like I should owe an explanation to him or the world. Like the second divorce I had made me a bad person. I almost feel like I should be a martyr and not remarry a 3rd time. I am 34, I don't want to be single forever, and I do deserve to be happy. But it hard for me to really pull that into my heart and I don't know why???? I feel like I need to justify to everyone, or myself why its ok.
I need some feed back please. I just don't know where to go from here. Or how to apply steps to this mess of angsty turmoil.
-- Edited by Rinn on Monday 14th of September 2015 07:18:04 PM
You sound very thoughtful about your process. Have you worked through the steps with a sponsor? Lots of times we have a lot of free-floating guilt about choices we made in the past. One "problem" of becoming healthier is that then you can see the times when you didn't make healthy decisions!
I think also we come to realize that our "pickers" have been broken, so it's natural to worry about whether we're picking healthily or unhealthily.
One thing that stuck out to me in your post is that your boyfriend "is rarely drunk." My rule for myself at this stage is not to make a commitment to anyone who is ever drunk. I know some guys go through a drinking phrase in college. Ironically none of my addicts did that. They all picked it up afterwards. But anyway, I know some guys go through that and then they grow up some and leave it behind. And I know that there are adults who get drunk from time to time and never carry it any further. The thing is that I'm not safe being around those people. My codependence kicks in and my clinginess and my neediness all come out. I have to steer away from people getting drunk, even if it's "okay" drunkenness, because if it turns from okay to not okay, I can't trust myself. Also, no offense to those on these boards who may do fun drinking, but getting drunk just speaks to a whole different value system than I have. I never found drunken parties fun, and now that I know the horrible effects of addiction, I am way too uncomfortable to be okay being around it.
Everyone's situation is different. If you're feeling uncomfortable generally, though, maybe that's a healthy need to slow down a lot. As they say, "More will be revealed." There's no hurry, right? The right answers will make themselves known, I have faith in that.
Welcome back!! So happy you are sharing. Rinn, you are kind of telling my story here as well! My 1st husband verbal abused me and our children and I divorced him, went back to school and got my BS in Managment and made a good and peaceful life for my family for about 15 years. My second and present husband is an alcoholic, I had know idea that his beer drinking every night was alcoholism, until he broke my spirit with his Dr. Jekel/Mr. Hyde chao and drama, for 13 years! I have been in Al-anon for over a year now and am so happy that I found this group and the organization. I guess where I am going with this is, is that it sounds to me that you are having difficulty and doubt because you still need to maybe work the program a bit more. I have learned, that when in doubt, don't make a decision. The doubt is telling you something. {{HUGS}}
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I too welcome you back Rinn. I have also been married twice now and they are completely opposite in person and personality.
If we knew then what we knew now......I would have stayed with the first one. But, I ended that relationship because I was the alcoholic and he was boring....*sigh*
So, I got sober, got wiser and picked another in recovery. Needless to say, that was 24 years ago - I am still sober, he is not.
I have no doubt my picker was broken. I have no idea if it's fixed or not as I'm still married to # 2. I have stayed for many reasons and have found peace and serenity in spite of living with this disease.
What I can say is that for both of my marriages, there were gut feelings that I completely ignored. At the time, I thought it was pre-marriage butterflies. I now believe that was my HP saying, "Woo-hoo.....this is not the right person/time/something", and I ignored it.
My best suggestion would be to talk with a sponsor and do a double-check on your program progress. I have to agree with Mattie - if I were in the market, my parameters would be very pointed about addictive substances. I have just endured way to much insanity from this disease to even test the shore-line!
So glad you are back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all! I am going to take it slow. I have 2 years left to finish my degree and I am not going to get married until I do. That way I know I can focus on my education and he is supportive of that. Plus it gives me a little room to work out all my concerns.
My first instinct was to defend my BF and say oh he isn't drinking to an extent of making it a problem. But it IS a concern I have. Yes I could be making a mountain out of a molehill. He is responsible, he doesn't get drunk unless we both discuss it first like going out every couple of months if one of us ones to drink if we go out and see a band then the other is sober and drives. It is not often, but I totally trust him not to be sloshy or out of control even when drinking I have never seen it happen. He might have one or two at a bbq or fixing stuff at home but it *seems* normal. But again my picker...lol! what is normal? We have talked about my concerns and he is pretty understanding. He mainly says," you know me, has it ever happened?" and that I need to have trust. If I ever am uncomfortable then he would stop. I just need to tell him. He wont promise never to have a beer with friends but he will promise that if at any point I want him to stop he will. He has follow through on that.
Overall I think my big hesitation is it doesn't have that same rush that an "unhealthy/needy" relationship has, so it seems off. Does that make sense for anyone? He is kind, supportive, my kids love him, he is super mellow and never gets angry we just talk stuff out. My opinion is valued to the point I think he is more likely to go along with my plan so I am happy. He cleans and cooks, and is a terrible mechanic. lol But its ok. We have lived together the last 6 months and it has been great. It just doesn't seem as 'intense' of love if that makes sense?
Anyone go from an addict/alcoholic relationship to a normal one and feel weird in a normal relationship?
Aloha Rinn and welcome back to the board You've done some work on yourself I read and are still uneasy about stuff especially relationships where drinking and using might be an issue and of course coming from where we come it should always be an issue. What I learned about in Al-Anon was to own the consequences of my choices and so I needed to make choices that insured I get the consequences I sought. No alcohol was one top choice as I was very experienced with the insanity of this disease. Another choice was emotional maturity...I don't baby sit well when the baby is an adult. Of course another choice was living within the principles of our program most of all. The program is about me on me with a relationship with a power greater than myself. You know what the program is about. I know that my program will not be forfeited because of any emotional attachment to another woman...there is today no woman important enough to surrender my program for again. I've done it before and not any longer. If you have concerns take care of the concerns before making the decisions or else....Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Jerry, thank you for your wisdom. Its very similar to what my gut was telling me. :)
Also i second you on no babysitting. *shudder* after a long break from that and worring about myself and my kids, its been freeing. I have no desire to hold someones hand through life dragging them from one pitfall to the next. It sounds exhaughsting. I am far more interested in taking a nice stroll with sombody guiding their own feet past their own obstacles like a responsible adult. We end up in the same place I am just not responsible for getting them there. :)
