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Last week I found our three year old in my front yard unattended. My husband drove to daycare to pick her up, drunk, and left her in the yard when he got home. I pulled around the corner minutes after he came home thank god. I took his keys and wallet and called his mother to come get him. We are now separated. My younger sister died in my arms from a drunk driving accident when I was 10. So needless to say, when I found out my husband was drinking and driving with my daughter, I lost it!!! He's said he's going to get help by going to a psychologist and AA meetings. He's not physically addicted to anything though. He can go weeks w/o drinking but at least once a month it gets out of control and something crazy happens. I plan to go to Alanon meetings. I just ordered the book "Courage to Change". He's such a good dad when he's not having an episode of drunkeness.
Welcome ACofman I am please that you plan to attend alanon meetings and that your hubby is willing to explore treatment. Alcoholism presents itself differently for many people, so that looking for support is important .
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I am sorry that you experienced such a traumatic loss of your sister at such an early age and can understand your response when you found your daughter.
My opinion is that you are doing the right thing- searching out Al-Anon face-to-face meeting and planning on attending. It was here that I learned to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, understanding that alcoholism was a chronic, progressive disease over which I was powerless. I did not cause it, cannot control it and could not cure it. With that in mind I knew I needed to get help for myself so that I could live life with dignity.
Keep coming back here you are not alone
God do I feel for you. This is such a scary disease to be dealing with and when you add young kids it is even worse. I think you are correct at seperating yourself a bit from you AH. maybe the time apart will give you some clarity of what to do next. You sound like you are on the correct path, searching out meetings and reading literature. Just know that you are not alone and educating yourself on this disease is the best next step. Al Anon tells you to not make an big decisions for at least 6 months but in your case I would say kicking your husband out was a good move because it was for the safety of your child. Now you have time to think about your options, see how your husband plans to deal with this and to go to meetings. Just know that you are not alone. Big hugs to you and your daughter.
Thank you for your encouraging words. I'm trying to distance myself from him right now. The hardest part is hearing my daughter ask for him. This morning she said "daddy doesn't love us anymore and that's why he's not at our house". She cries at night for him to tuck her in. It just breaks my heart. He's generally a really good husband and father. He only has a lapse in good judgement about once a month where he binge drinks, but this time, it hit home and I couldn't bare to allow him around any of my kids anymore. He had a couple of DWI's in the past but that was 10+ years ago. I thought he grew out of that phase. Anyway, In the future, if he substations from drinking for at least six months, should I keep the rule in place that he is to never drive with my children in the car? I need his help with all the kids to take them to practice or their games if one of them has a game at the same time at a different place but idk if I can risk it. I'll be so worried.
I'm so sorry you are going through this and glad you have found us. My story has many things in common with yours. My husband (now ex-husband) is a binge drinker like yours. Fine for weeks or months, and then unpredictability completely drunk. Once when our son was two, I was out visiting a friend and my husband was staying home with our toddler. I went to a store on the way home and found our husband there - without our toddler. He had left him home alone. I suspect he had gone to get alcohol, but maybe not even that - very possibly he was just making a very bad decision because his thinking was so messed up by the alcohol. He had all kinds of blustery reasons why it was just fine for him to be there. I had known he had problem drinking from time to time in the past, but he had promised it was under control, he would never do this or that, etc. etc. That episode opened my eyes.
Some time after that he got a DUI (he was away on a trip and I didn't even know he was drinking) and went through a year of court-ordered rehab. He started going to AA, etc. All seemed rosy. No drinking that I could see. I felt cautiously optimistic. To make a long story short, I was away at work one day and came home to find that he had put our toddler (he was then three going on four) into a very dangerous situation in which it was a miracle he didn't die. We were staying at a place away from home with some French doors (the kind that are double doors opening from floor to ceiling), which were supposed to lead out onto a balcony, but the balcony had been removed. The doors were obviously not supposed to be opened. This was on the 3rd floor. I came back and my husband had passed out and our toddler was playing in the room with the doors wide open ("for air"). It was just a miracle that he hadn't fallen out them. When I found the pile of beer cans under the bed, I understood.
That was when I separated from my husband for good. Because I knew that however much an alcoholic loves his kids, he does not have the sane judgment to know how to protect them. Before I could get him moved out, I had to act like a single parent anyway, for my kid's protection. I had ample evidence that my husband just didn't have the sanity to take care of him. His excuse: "Well, nothing bad happened, did it? It was fine, you're just making a mountain out of a molehill! You should get some help for that paranaoia of yours! I don't want our son growing up around such a fearful mother..." He also swore up and down that he never drove drunk, but then where evidence appeared, his tactic changed to "Our government is just insane, they don't know what they're doing, they don't want anyone to have any fun, they have no right making laws about things that are perfectl harmless..." As you can see, any justification, no responsibility.
From this and what I've observed from others in similar situations: Can you trust your husband not to drive drunk? No. Can you trust him not to endanger your child? Sadly, no. Can you trust him when he swears he won't do these things? He may mean it at the time, or he may just be saying enough to deceive you so he can go about his ways with no interference. I've experienced both.
Those of us with alcoholic partners are essentially single parents. I managed to set up driving and childcare exchanges, after some effort, so that my kid got driven and taken care of by other reliable parents when I couldn't. It is extra effort. But they can't keep themselves safe without our help.
It is sad that your girl cries for her daddy. Often they feel a kind of extra yearning for the unreliable parent because they already sense that something's not "all there" about that parent. That's the case whether they're physically present or not.
I set up an arrangement where my ex saw our son a lot. He lived (and still lives) within walking distance and so no car was involved. Eventually he lost his car, so that took care of that. There are ways to manage. It's not ideal. But once you have an alcoholic on your hands, the situation is going to be less than ideal.
My ex never stuck with recovery. If he had, I'd imagine that would look like daily AA meetings and a visible commitment to the program. No excuses, full honesty. Even so, the first year is rough. I don't think I'd trust anyone without at least a year of real sobriety under his belt. That's my experience.
Do you have a meeting? I hope you'll keep coming back here. Hugs.
Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you shared your truth. I too am sorry about the loss of your sister. I can't imagine how that was, but it is a part of you and your story, and it makes sense to me that you reacted/acted the way you did. I see no issues with the current state of affairs, and applaud your purchase of Courage to Change.
I would strong encourage you to find local Al-Anon meetings. It is so hard to describe the support and relief that comes from a fellowship approach to the alcoholic dilemma. It's like a blessing you could never ask for.
I am a double winner (I am in recovery in AA & Al-Anon) and was not physically addicted to alcohol. Other substances, yes. Drank often. Yes. Could put it down. Yes, but I had other 'stuff'. So, physical addiction/withdrawal is not a primary element of the disease. One key question they asked me over and over and over again in treatment/detox was, "Is alcohol causing problems in your life?" They had to keep asking me as I was in denial big time about the affects it had on my life (had been to jail a few times, and a few other 'lovely' things) but...this disease can cause unrelenting denial from all sides.
If you don't have local meetings, ,there are 2 here each day. The schedule is at the top left, and the link to the meeting room is there too. It's a wonderful way to start the day and a great way to end the day. I used to attend often and now I attend when I can.
So super glad you are here. As far as advice, get entrenched with al-anon. Learn, listen, practice and then do it more. Work on you so you can make informed decisions based on reality vs. emotions. Keep coming back - it's worth it.
The scenario you describe above was my biggest fear with my AH. He came home from sporting games with only one child (we have two). He actually left the house one evening to go buy cigarettes leaving them unattended. They are both boys, about 2 years apart and one called me as the other was beating him up. From that point on, I had to make other arrangements or take them with me. It's a real fear/concern, not one just caused by your loss.
(((Hugs))) to you - welcome aboard!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Omg Mattie! That's exactly the situation I have going on right now except I have so much faith in him because he does admit he has a problem and is saying he's willing to do anything to fix it. I really think me drinking (occasionally) was causing most of our issues. Maybe if I quit, completely, with him, we can both shoot for a healthier relationship and keep ourselves busy with positive family activities and continue marriage counseling and therapy.
I'm guessing you're early on your journey with drinking and Al-Anon. I have to confess that I was not one of those who grew up with alcoholic parents, so I didn't know Thing One about alcoholism when I started out. I thought a switch would be flipped and he'd be sober and we'd be good. I didn't realize that people who've become alcoholics have long practice in coping with problems by means of alcohol, and almost no practice and being an adult who copes in other ways. So when problems hit, even small ones, their only recourse is to the bottle. They may not have a physical addiction, but they have an emotional compulsion. After "practicing" with alcohol in this way for some time, the alcohol itself causes the drinker to need to keep on drinking. They don't even need any problems. The compulsion just takes over, independent of anything on the outside.
In Al-Anon we have the Three C's: We didn't Cause it, we can't Cure it, we can't Control it. It is so tempting and reassuring to think that if we do this or that, the alcoholic will stop drinking. Threatening, or being accepting; banning alcohol from the house, or letting him drink in certain ways; drinking with him, never drinking with him; being nice, being firm; explaining, ignoring... I imagine most of us have tried it all. If there were a way, we would have found it. The thing is that if it's that easy for them to give it up, they wouldn't be alcoholics. For some people, it is that easy to give up. They're called "normal drinkers." For me, the first time I realized I'd overdone it, or driven drunk, or put my child in danger, I'd have stopped drinking for sure, in a panic. I'd have taken whatever steps I needed to do make sure I didn't start drinking again. If I felt the temptation, I'd head off to AA and get started working a program.
If your husband is dedicated to not drinking, he'll start working a serious, formal program of recovery. Typically they say, "I can do it on my own!" That's the alcoholic denial talking. I imagine 100% of us have heard it. Alcoholics who are serious about recovery know they need the structure and support.
The binge drinkers are hard to deal with because it seems, between binges, as if they're doing fine. Then another binge finally comes. Then they swear they're fine, they'll never drink again. Months pass. Then another horrible binge. I think it took six years for me to catch on that the binges were not going to end. Once he went nearly a whole year, as far as I know. But the binges were not just mild tipsiness. They were out-of-control destructive, child-endangering drinking.
What I wish someone had told me early on in this journey is that only 15-25% of those who enter formal programs of recovery stick with it to longterm sobriety. For those who never even start the programs, of course, it's less. Alcoholism is a powerful disease and the odds are against us.
The most powerful thing you can do is to get involved in Al-Anon and start your own recovery. All our thinking gets derailed by the craziness and unpredictability that is alcoholism. We benefit from our own recovery too. Then we have the tools to get perspective and to make the best choices as things develop. I hope you'll stick with us.
Hi ACoffman,
You received such wonderful suggestions from everyone so far, I just want to add one thought. Try to communicate to your daughter that this is not because her daddy doesn't love her and not because he doesn't love you. Alanon might have some literature on how to explain these things to young children. I'm not sure if it is better to explain it as an illness, but you know your daughter and what she can understand.
As my sponsor told me, "It's not about love." She needs to know she is lovable no matter what happens.
I agree with the last poster. My kids were 2 and 7 when I had to explain about addiction and why Dad was no longer at home and they understood it pretty well. It went a little like, "Dad still loves you and we still love dad, but he is sick. His brain works differently then ours does. His brain makes him want to drink alcohol and make bad decisions. We want him to get the help he needs to get better. He is gone because he has some work to go to get better." My kids wanted to understand and talk about it a lot. It gave them more feeling of control like they understood so it wasn't so crazy.
