My daughter and I had a funny/ironic discussion about codependency and how parts of us are pretty much groomed from an early age to people please, be the peace makers and so on, looking for that positive reinforcement that we are enough.  Somewhere my thinking got distorted that I wasn't enough and love was suppose to hurt.  Neither of which is true, my daughter and I talked about past situations from both her and my perspective and it's always interesting to sit back and hear what she's sharing. 

I have some regrets with the kids however overall given what I had to begin with in terms of my own issues and what I had to deal with during their young lives .. we have done ok.  I'm letting go more.  My kids do have to be responsible for their grades .. what I tell them is this is their grades it's not about me.  They fail .. I am available for guidance and they know to go to their teachers.  I really get looks here .. LOL .. my youngest and oldest head to the teachers and say .. ok .. I don't understand this grade or I don't understand the lesson .. what can I do to bring my grade up .. is there extra credit .. it's complex problem solving at its best I think.  Now .. the deal is this .. if they do their part and the teacher doesn't respond to them or says I need to talk to your parent/s that's when I get involved.  It's merely to ask .. is there a problem that I need to be involved?  I feel like this is giving them life skills for real world stuff.  I want them to feel safe asking authority for help because I never did.  I have learned now .. however I didn't realize as a kid I could do that.  I'm so grateful that they get this part about personal responsibility.   

LOL .. so my discussion with my daughter and her announcement she's not codependent .. her world wide experience of her one boyfriend .. lol.  What I did point out was the fact that she has only had one relationship and that she tends to attract the wounded souls which is very codie.  That's because she has such a big heart and so much to give without asking for a lot in return.  She did say .. mom .. why do I attract the fruitloops?  This is my word and the kids have picked it up .. lol.  Usually it's stop being a fruitloop.  LOL.  She has a point and I told her .. why doesn't she think I've gone out on a date .. I'm scared to death over my picker being broken.  This is where self confidence, knowing who I am, trusting the God of my understanding and all of this stuff that I have learned in Alanon comes into play.  The good news is she's aware.  The great news is this .. she will never be the codie I am, just as I will never be the codie my mother was and so hopefully should she ever decide to have kids she will be able to pass her lessons on to them.  They have the opportunity to be healthier.  After I get my act together and we get moved and really settled I think I'm more open to the idea of dating.  It's not a priority at this point I don't need the complication.  Dating would be a complication which tells me I'm not really as ready as I want to be .. lol .. that's ok. 

Having that discussion brought up a lot of repressed memories for me.  Well that and being pressured by my mom to move to California at the moment.  I do not enjoy calling her at all because that's what has come up every time .. first part of the conversation how sick she is .. my part in the conversation getting old ain't or sissies, sorry you don't feel well.  Then we move on to the conversation about she should have had more kids and I'm actually better than I used to be .. my snarky response three years ago would have been much sharper .. now it's only you couldn't have afforded the therapy for more than 1 child.  She really can't understand why I won't move there .. umm .. you don't want me to list the reasons.  Thankfully I'm far enough in my own healing not to actually list them. 

I actually understand why my dad divorced her .. I just don't agree with his methods .. lol.  As the kid I don't have the luxury, sigh .. one can dream right?  I wish adoption was as easy as it was in Japan .. I would erase my name off the registry and create my own.  LOL. 

Anyway, I'm a little down and getting a little fussy about the job situation.  I don't like it .. at least my car is running thank goodness and the weather is absolutely amazing.  I'm going to head home and go for a walk.   

Hugs S :)