The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's a difficult emotion for me that is for sure and I have been experiencing a lot of it lately.Since the death of my ex I have been on a roller coaster of emotions.What am I angry at,could it be that I am sad and anger is easier or maybe it is because I wasn't the only woman at the funeral.The truth comes out in bits and pieces of course.The lie of this disease is so strong.I was sitting in the funeral home and the woman he was shooting heroin with walked up to the casket,oh, by the way he was seeing her while he lived with me,that is when I ended the relationship.I knew he was drinking or using because he was lying,it always started with lying.I felt sorry for her,she had the drug that he wanted and nothing else mattered.I am sure he told her he loved her and she was the only one.I wanted to throw something at the casket,is that bad?I wanted to scream and throw rotten tomatoes at the wall and watch them splat.I wanted to go outside and jump up and down and scream,but I had to sit there.I wanted to bang my head against a tree or kick something until it was obliterated,but I just sat there like nothing was wrong when everything is wrong,I listened to the preacher, and then his brother got up to speak,"it all started with a sports injury,"he said,that is when he got on pain pills.No it isn't,that is a lie,my brain is screaming, you don't even know your own brother.He started smoking weed with his dad when he was 12.And his family,what a joke,every time he started doing good they would suck him back in.I tried so hard to get him to put some distance between him and his family.You see he was the one they blamed for all the problems, and some of the family also enticed him back to that life.I am just so angry,I was the only person in his life that really wanted better for him and he didn't even know it.Well I made an appointment with my therapist and I am hoping I can get past these feelings.
((Mary)) Great Share. Honestly expressing feelings is very important . I know I would change all my feelings into anger because I felt powerful when expressing it . I especially converted my confusion, fear and sadness into that powerful emotion
I salute your wisdom in seeing this .
I agree with Betty and Pink but would like to add that when
we finally reach a level of clarity, after an emotional upheaval,
realizing that we do not have control, only HP does, is the
only answer for me. We can go forward with a sense that
we have to do more, but then I think that HP is guiding us.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Mary i really embraced my healthy anger. It felt
Good for the first time in my life. Its okay to
Get mad and sad as long as its healthy. My
Divorce Support group really helped me with
That. I had rage too.
They are a religious bunch so that was a very
Healing place for me to be and i was not alone
In those feelings and emotions.
I had preexisting issues before my marriage.
The rage and anger were an accumlation of
Both. They are powerful emotions and feelings.
Make sure you are handling them it in a healthy
Way. Abuse issues fester inside.
Keep reaching out To your healthy and loving
support system and Be extra gentle and loving
to yourself. God has your back this might be a
Rough ride. I know mine has been.
Speak your truth. Keep processing. If I were a guessing person, I would venture to guess that you are feeling all of those - anger, sadness, and probably more. I applaud your sharing and processing and honesty. I also applaud that you're planning self-care - your upcoming appointment.
I am so sorry that recovery was not part of his journey. I am so sorry that you are left with what you have right now. I am so grateful that 'this too shall pass' applies to all of our experiences, good and bad. I know you are feeling it right now and that's part of your grief. It will pass and you will get to the other side.
Keep working your program, sharing as you choose to do and speaking your truth. If we could take away your pain, we'd certainly share 'that' with you - after all....that's what family is for.
Know that I continue my prayers for you and also keep sending positive thoughts. We're all just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
