The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For a week and a half my wife and I got separated. We have been together for 4 years, well, 4 years tomorrow. We weren't having a healthy relationship, we never got physical but mental abusive and controlling. She was the one who took the decision. During the first two days I was in completely chaos because she starting chatting with different girls, she said she was blocked and that I was not her priority anymore. Is important to say that we always tell the truth when a situation like this happen. this is not the first time but I think it could be the decisive one. After those days I talked about my issues for the first time in my life with my best friend and she encouraged me and made me feel better. She told me to be myself, what is supposed to be is Supposed to be and I cannot change it. She told me yo read a book and I remembered that I haven't done that for a looooong time. And there I found a book called Codependency no More from Melody Beattie. Wow... when the universe is decided to put it in a silver plate there is nothing that can change it. And then I aceppted it (Because I already know for some time).. I am codependent. The day after I looked for an Al-anon meeting which I assisted on Wednesday. I saw myself in every person, so identified and knew that I was walking towards my recovery. However the days were passing by and I continued with my behavior pattern, manipulating, overreacting, somatic, angry, nervous, scared, fragile, so obsessive... But there was a difference I was aware and even though I didn't stop reacting I feel everyday that I am a little bit stronger. Doing one step forward and sometines two backwards, but going. Now I am in the acceptance on having to detach from her and in consequence from everyone. It is not easy.. Not when we live together, work together. I want to run and take all this out from me, but it is so hard, so so so hard. I just pray from my inside out for serenity and peace and strength to accept the things I cannot change and put all my energies on my recovery, nothing else. Even when I feel pain I am aware that it will end, for good. I really don't know what is going to happen between us and the uncertainty can be extremely painful but every second I give a little bit of strength to the real me, the one that is going to be free.
You've found some good tools to help you and I remember when I started to learn about these things I started to feel gently liberated and empowered. We do have choices after all!
Having self awareness is so helpful and it sounds as if you also have good awareness of the dynamics in your relationship with your wife. It took me forever to realise the damage that my husband and I were doing to each other. Coming out of that it helped me to be reminded that I could also be gentle with myself. I listen to my body and give it rest, recreation, peace, good food - whatever it needs within reason. It is tough and difficult, but focusing on our own recovery is a great way to start on a journey that is sooooo worthwhile. I'm sure you've heard and read 'one day at a time' or even 'one moment at a time' that made it easier for me.
There are lots of wonderful people here at MIP and we also have on-line meetings. I just wanted to say welcome, and to let you know that you are not alone.
Welcome to MIP Nchc, I too am sorry that you are going through this difficult journey, but you are on the right path and am happy to hear that you are attending Al-anon meetings and reading approved literature. Working the steps and learning the slogans and prayers, will help you develop more clarity. You will learn that you did not cause, nor can you control and especially you cannot cure your wife's alcoholism. Wishing you great success and serenity. Please keep coming back to talk with us.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Thanks JanS, milkwood and Debb for your words. It is recomforting to know that we are not alone. Just to clarify... My wife is not alcoholic, my father is substance dependent. I will definitely be around. Thanks!!!
Welcome Nchc... that book was the first eye opener for me also. everyone above me have given you the best information you can get...I love this message board...it too has taken me far. Keep coming back, it is hard but it is worth it...
(((NcHC))) Your awareness and acceptance are a powerful example of your dedication to the principles of program. Great use of tools. Please keep coming back There is hope and helped, as you know.
I am late to the thread but also wanted to welcome you to MIP. So glad you found us and so glad you shared!
I am so sorry for your situation and your pain. You are not alone and we here do understand all too well.
I applaud you for already finding and attending an Al-Anon meeting. I am glad that you are already beginning your recovery journey and have found some tools. There are many and you will get through anything if you join us.
One suggestion I have for your journey, especially right now as you are starting is to keep yourself focused on the present moment. Try to be gentle with you and not concern yourself with the past or what may happen in the future. All that we can truly manage and accept is the present. This so helped me get a few days under my belt and then get some peace/serenity even though nothing else had changed.
(((hugs))) to you - keep coming back...we are all just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
