The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading in One Day at a Time in AlAnon (ODAT) is particularly helpful to me in my recovery. Before I came to AlAnon, I didn't realize that my tendency to advise others was a symptom of me trying to control what I could not, nor should not. AlAnon helped me realize that telling others what they should do robs them of dignity, learning opportunities, and gives me an inflated sense of importance.
The reading states plainly that if I give advice, it should be limited to encouraging spiritual growth. Telling others what I think they should do, or how they should respond (advising to take a particular action) is dangerous. ODAT states that none of us have that right.
Why? If I take sides in a situation that is shared, perhaps by encouraging antagonistic feelings or encouraging someone to act as I think they should in that situation, my influence may have harmful, unintended consequences. My advice or endorsement may help trigger a deterioration in conditions that the other person is not prepared or able to handle. Even if that does not happen, I am getting an unconscious satisfaction of my tendency to manage others, while telling myself that I am helping.
Today's Reminder
Even well intended advice may steer others in unhealthy directions, foster self-pity, resentment, anger towards a qualifier or the disease. From Thomas a Kempis: a reminder that we must be careful of giving credit to every word and suggestion we hear, instead, carefully reviewing the matter according to our God or Higher Power.
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I sought out AlAnon for help dealing with the pain and insanity I experienced while trying to control the disease on my own. I often recognize in others some of the same feelings, actions, and attitudes that I experienced. This page reminds me, however, of the need to be very careful that I do not allow my tendency to manage others to corrupt my genuine desire to help. Advising others, especially newcomers, to take particular action or fueling negative attitudes towards their qualifier may be dangerous to them, and is certainly unhealthy for me.
Encouraging others to seek out the spiritual wisdom from the program is the best way I can help, as it allows them to explore and identify healthy choices that match their particular circumstances and level of recovery. This allows them to find or build a relationship with their HP for needed guidance. I need this reminder regularly as I continually work to realign my tendencies and turn my will and life over to my Higher Power. I am so grateful for the wisdom of AlAnon
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Great reminder Paul I did realize that giving advise is very destructive. The reading that states" Giving advise to ohers is to intrude giving advie to myself is to grow . Helped me.
So important for me to remember this.yr I am always trying to give my daughter information that (I think) will help her get away from her alcoholic lifestyle. Thank you for the reminder
Officially am trying to resign from the position of Queen of advice giving. Even though I am frequently asked by my friends I am much more careful and am trying to improve my listening skills instead. I believe we all have our own answers inside ourselves and what is right for one person is not necessarily right for the other. The slogan when in doubt do nothing was foreign to me in the beginning. Do NOTHING! Are you kidding?? But........ it is very helpful to stop me in my tracks and allow others to clean up their own messes. Thank you for your share Enigmatic.
Great reminder Paul to stay on our side of the
Street.
I tried helping two different very codie women
since I started alanon. I gave up, they would not
help Themselves and wanted back with the person
Who had abused them. Both had been physically
Abused at some point too by their partner.
They just wanted to talk about it, sort of attend
alanon and sort of recover. Then want to run right
back into The mess that was their lives. Their decision
And life.
One even goes to all kinds of support groups And
a therapist still no one can get into her thick Skull.
Last i heard Her ex is really embracing religion again
and is Growing and changing, heard that before too.
I Think i have done my duty and learned my lessons.
I cut both of them loose no more listening. Hard core
Codies are hard to help. Hopefully i will see a red flag
next time. That will be my growth.
They both needed action and willingness on their part to
Begin to help themselves not keep on with crazy. Crazy
Has to end for sanity to begin.
The more i stopped "helping" others, the quieter my life got. I mean physically quiet...... no noise. I had to remind myself i could still ask them what movies, music or books they were interested in or what cool places they have been. I really was not used to all the quiet. I didnt know what i could talk about if i couldnt help with all my superior intelligence.
I love this reading and thank you Paul for the thread as well as you ESH!
What I also learned as I worked the steps is I often gave advice, solicited or not, as a tool to avoid looking at myself/my defects/etc. It was so easier to live vicariously through others and suggest what they needed to do.....kept me from having to take a good hard look at me/my life/my choices/my situation.
I too am often asked for advice. I am a person who shoots straight and my first answer is always are you sure you want to hear it? I will say that most times, especially in program, my advice is to look inward for the answers and I share often the 3 C's....even with folks who are not in the program.
I have a few friends that are very stuck. They are stuck by choice not by circumstance. I have as lovingly as possible shared that we need to do positive enjoyable things together as their constant complaining about the same people/issues for years has worn me down.
I love that this program asks us to help those who want it. I love that this program also suggests we stick with the winners. For me, the winners are not those who've been around the longest, but rather those who have a true desire or hunger to get 'well'. I believe you can 'see' it in their actions and shares and I admire that courage to stand in your truth and realize that many of ones issues are an inside cause/effect situation.
Thanks tons Paul - great thread and posts!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
