Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

My reality vs my home group

deacon · Senior Member

Miranda, maybe they really do not have your past experiences to draw from to really understand your situation. They may have been more sheltered from predators in the workplace. I know that I have never had to deal with them because I worked in a protected environment. My niece is a nurse in emergency and I shudder to hear what she deals with on a daily basis. Whatever they think, it is so wise of you to trust your gut feeling and protect yourself.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Miranda, as you are explaining what is happening in your meetings,

I found myself getting annoyed, that they are responding in this

pooh pooh fashion to your concerns. So I agree with you, and

would feel the same way. Is there any other group meetings

that you can join in your locality?

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I've had things like this at times. When I take it to my sponsor, she reminds me that we are not all in recovery because we are well-minded people. She then says, Take what you like and leave the rest. So, I've decided that the traditions and steps truly apply before, during and after the meeting...

I would also be a bit put-off by their responses...in these instances, I've often gotten to my car and wondered what the he!! just happened in there....LOL.

So - be true to you, keep standing in your truth and another thing my sponsor says, "Stick with the winners." Perhaps find a different small group to talk with after the meeting!!

(((Hugs))) - I think it's smart to keep a watchful eye.....I do always and have circled my home before when I thought I was being followed. It is what it is...

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for your wonderful and loving
responses.

It took me awhile to even get in with this group.

I will just self protect more with them. I Personally
do not find many warm and fuzzy. Almost like if
we werent in alanon They would be so far from
who i would Draw to.

There are some controllers and fixers in the bunch
And some that do not talk about emotions and feelings.
My sponsor Is controlling. She mostly Makes me
feel worse not better. You know who your
supporters are by that feeling alone.

I have told my sponsor we are like oil and water.
I really only communicate with her because we are
traveling The same path in relationships. I should just find
another Temporary sponsor. I have one in mind
Its Not a perfect fit. She has empathy and kindness
And raises her hand to be a temporary sponsor.

I keep praying to find a really good healthy
Sponsor that works for me. I figured God had
Some Lessons here i needed to learn.

I did try two different mtgs lately both were small
And i can only attend once in awhile. I will
Just stay my course and stand in my truth.

I will Do the best i can and trust God.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I must add that the "Meeting after the meeting" is one that I have avoided for many years. I found that many observed the Traditions, Steps and principles, in the meeting but after, people seemed to revert to old behavior.

Selecting a few members that I felt I could connect with worked much better. I believe that learning to be discerning even, in alanon is a must. Your instincts are fine. Trust the process and yourself Mirandac.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

To me the man who talked to you sounds like an ambiguous situation. I mean that I could interpret it either way. Now, with the other person's input, you have some evidence that the man you know has potential to be a creep. But I personally wouldn't have concluded that because he asked you twice where you live, he had the potential to stalk you. Now maybe from knowing him and his wife, you know more about him that you didn't mention, and that would suggest it to you. But from the way you described it, if I had been in that situation, I wouldn't have worried about him going by your house.

However, I'm not saying that you're wrong. I'm saying that to me the situation looks unclear. It looks to me as if a reasonable person might have not ever thought there was a threat, and also a reasonable person with more information or experience of this kind of behavior might reasonably have thought there was a threat. So your Al-Anon colleagues are in the first group, and you're in the second group. That is, I don't think it's unreasonable, in my view, for them to conclude that there's no threat. However, if you say, "Trust me, I've had experience with this, and I think there's legitimate cause for worry," it would be helpful for them to respond, "You could be right."

But just from my own experience, I wouldn't characterize them as oppositional or unsupportive for their view, because I think it's a reasonable view given their experience of the situation (which is not yours) and their experience with that kind of behavior (which is not yours).

As always, I could be wrong, so take what you like and leave the rest. smile

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Mirandac,

Your Alanon group is suppose to be a safe place to share without judgement, comment or advise giving. Sometimes our groups can get a bit too "cozy." I know there's some readings in our daily readers about crossing the line from recovery to a meeting of friendly socializing, advice giving and commenting.

There is benefit from discussing the personal details with your sponsor but Alanon meetings are suppose to be safe for opening up too. Unless you ask for feedback after your meeting, what's said in your share during the meeting stays there and in keeping with Alanon principles, you share is not open for unsolicited comments afterwards. It isn't easy to feel safe to share fully what's on your heart when people comment.

Honestly, the people in your Alanon meeting don't need to understand where you're coming from. Recovery is about unconditional love and acceptance. With that said... I try to practice detachment with people when I get their two cents at meetings. Whether people are well meaning or have another agenda I know we're all works in progress particularly me. I do empathize with you concerning this though because on a rough day, I'm looking to regain my serenity. Not having my feelings challenged rather than being validated separates me from others in a place I come to for unconditional love and acceptance. Thanks for sharing! This is such an important topic. I hope there are other meetings in your area you might try. Hugs! TT

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you ladies for your support.

I know what you mean Mattie. Yet it
Was my gut feeling and my red flags
were flying. I trust myself and my
instincts. No he will not stalk me.

I will not have men showing up at my
door. i do not believe he was asking
For honorable reasons.

I have seen and heard too much since
I started recovery to be naive about
Men look for needy and vulnerable
Women. I am learning much more than
I care to. It scares me the nature Of the
addictive personality.

To be discerning is a great idea Betty. Having
to Self protect after An alanon meeting is sad.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I noticed that there are some people at my groups that practice their disease and others practice their recovery. I bothers me when those that practice their disease get together and try to push their thinking on the rest of us but i am healthy enough to be able to block them out. Sometimes i will say something to a trusted alanon and am gratified that she sees the same thing..... they are practicing their disease. We all get to the meeting unhealthy. All of us have our behaviors and our thinking that has to be healed. Choose your friends wisely. Know your truth and reality and trust yourself.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks maryjane, i have noticed there are many still
In their disease. Even some of the fairly healthy ones
struggle With being controlling and/or fixing.

I like that practice their disease how true. I had just
hoped For more support and friendships. i get some
Support from people there but not Any where as much
as i need. Dribs and drabs really.

I know this is where a really good sponsor comes in
Handy. At first i was resistant because i had my drug
And alcohol therapist. I did not need or want more
Direction.

At that meeting a lot of them believe do not enable. I can
Understand that to a point. No comment/help after the
meetings I guess. I am not a newbie, i sat and listened
And Learned for close to two years. I did not say much
I was in such emotional and mental pain.

I am healing more every day now. No contact for 10
Weeks and living in a new environment. Letting things
Just be.

I want to thank all of you for your loving support on my
journey. It kept my sanity intact. Things got really bad and
I just kept reaching out as much as i could. I did not like
Being needy and needing support. God gave me the courage
To ask.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It is always a fine like between labeling others as sick and wrong vs. taking a look at what feedback we are getting and if we need to change our own ideas and maybe we are the sick one. I don't know what truth is for your Miranda, but I know you have the ability to discern and a good recovery program going to figure these things out to the best of your ability. And I am not saying you are sick. It really could be that your Alanon group is full of insensitive jerks. I dunno.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 13th of September 2015 07:14:55 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I do know that "sexual predator" is an incredibly powerful label to throw at anyone without proof. What you have sound more like a creepy dude who gave you bad vibes. Not saying he isn't a sexual predator, but I wouldn't call someone that unless I knew for sure they were a rapist or child molester or something.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for your imput, Pink. I always
Love to hear from you. God bless you
And what you do for work. I wil stay with
Taking care of old people they are safer.

Maybe it is a little Strong. I do not like men
that prey on women.I have been seeing way
too much of the ugly Side of addictiive
personality.

Even my own xah. Thats what he did chase
Needy women in AA. We do not talk about that
Subject on here.

That guy was a dry A that had been married
Many times and liked women. Pervert i do not
Know for sure. He felt like a predator looking
for someone Without protection. If men want
To just show up thats what i call it. Sorry!

I Just had trouble with a porn addict going to
Our divorce care group. He goes to celebrate
recovery and that church. He was chasing a
woman that goes to our group And his celebrate
recovery group. He had no Real reason to be there,
we could not shame him out.

Eventually he was told not to come Back. I made
a stink about it, the woman would Do nothing. I
told her to, she is very codie. Shes the One I had
tried to help. I stood my ground. It went on for weeks.
He is not dangerous just sick. We were in a safe
environment to share like Alanon. He did not belong.
I did speak to the proper channels on both sides.
DC and celebrate.

I no longer help this woman. Call me wrong minded
She will not help herself. She attends some Alanon,
just not enough. I got very angry when she would do
Nothing to deal with the problem. Also she brought
Her problems into my inner circle i really did not like
That.

Celebrate recovery seems to have many sex addicts
In it. They just can not be child molesters otherwise
Its okay. The only problem i see is there are religious
People with problems like her attending too. This lady
is a magnet. She has had someone from that group
That showed up at 8 pm to chat. I suspect he was an
Abuser by his behaviors looking for his next victim.
Now this woman lives with safe people that keep an
eye on her from celebrate recovery.

Sorry to go on. It is just something that i am struggling
With for multiple reasons. My xah is at the center of my
Discomfort as usual.

-- Edited by Mirandac on Sunday 13th of September 2015 06:42:19 PM

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Mirandac -

Speak your truth and be at peace. As a double-winner, I do need to share that in almost 28 years of many, many AA meetings, I've NEVER been approached for 13 Stepping. I am also a very attractive look younger than I am fit woman - a perfect target. I wear no wedding ring and was single/young/pretty for my first 6-7 years.

Not ALL A's seek sex at AA meetings. My chances of getting hit on in a bar were 100 times more than at a AA meeting.

I have seen my fair share of consensual hook-ups. Married, single, etc. - consensual. Do I agree? Nope. Do I support it? Nope. Do I condone it? Nope. Do I condemn it? Nope. It isn't my business and not a part of my program.

So, I will say, for the record in case there is any doubt - I don't like it when Alanon members assume or suppose they know what AA is like. It's never good to think/process/assume in absolutes - there are sick people in all recovery meetings and I believe the majority are there to get well.....as we say often/always, some are sicker than others. As well as...some recovery quickly while others recovery slowly.

If a person is going to 'step out' on a spouse, they are as likely to look for another in a grocery store as they are in an AA meeting....

Take what you like and leave the rest.

-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 13th of September 2015 12:45:08 PM

RealitySucker · Veteran Member

I think reflecting on the title of this post is important. Your reality vs. your home group basically means your reality vs. other peoples' realities and honestly, no two peoples' realities are the same. And that's OK. You were sharing what you felt was very real, but to the people in the group, they had no direct experience with what you were saying, and therefore it was not real to them and they couldn't or wouldn't give you validation. And that's OK too. If you feel that you were correct with your instincts that you can own it and you do not need validation. You said "The program is about getting stronger in yourself," and that is true, which is why you do not go to Al Anon to seek validation, but to to learn to trust yourself.

Personally, if someone told me that someone was a sexual predator, and all the evidence they could give was "a feeling" and a vague conversation, I'd be very uncomfortable agreeing that the person was likely a sexual predator and discussing it. I wouldn't write it off, and I'm sorry if that's what your group truly did, but I also wouldn't talk about it as if it were fact. Sexual predator is a very strong label with criminal connotations.

I just hate to hear that your experience has led you to feel many men who are in AA or suffer with addictions also like to prey on weak women. Or even that the whole point of them being in AA is to prey on people. I'm so sorry that you've dealt with people like that, but I hope you can find it in you to realize that it truly is not ALL of them. I know my AH just happens to be very friendly and social and has, almost certainly, made small talk about where in our area others live, has offered rides to people who need them (before he lost his license, ha), and has offered to get together outside of the rooms. I may be blind to some aspects of my AH but I can assure you 1000x over he isn't and never could be a "sexual predator" and it just makes me so sad to think some women might think of him that way and judge him.

It must be so hard when you've had to deal with these situations and that they've colored your view, but I just wanted to give a bit of a different perspective. If I was in your group I may have asked some of the same questions other people did and it would not have been because I felt you are untrustworthy, sick, or stupid, it would have been because I could see both sides and wanted to be fair to everyone.

Also, if you do not get along with your sponsor, absolutely find a different one!!!

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you both for your input. I will
Reflect on it.

i edited the offensive part sorry for

any offense That was taken.

love you guys

-- Edited by Mirandac on Sunday 13th of September 2015 06:43:53 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene