The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
I've been with my bf now for 6 months. He's been in recovery for almost 2 years now. He goes to all of his AA meetings every week and is dedicated to his sobriety. What I'm struggling with his that he cheated on me with his ex gf who also is in recovery. He was cheating on me throughout our entire relationship. His reasoning for cheating was that he was use to the chaos that the two of them had during there drinking partying times. He's told me that I'm his first grown up sober serious relationship. He blocked her number and changed one of his days from a certain AA group bc that is the one she would frequent. My big concern is him running into her at other AA meetings and trying to trust someone who hurt me so badly. He said they share a bond of being in AA. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Attaching yourself to the face to face Al-Anon Family Groups in your area is the right on suggestion. Alcoholics are past masters and blaming other people, places and things for their bad decisions and consequences. The recovering alcoholics I hang with (I am one also) take full responsibility for their actions from before the choice...In others words when they start thinking about what is a poor choice they own the process. When we learn to make amends its about deep, honest, permanent changes in our thoughts, feeling, actions. We have sponsors we run to before we run to the former relationship. You're dating danger...think about it and find someone with lots of experience in Al-Anon to talk with. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I agree with the others. Find an Al Anon meeting and learn why it is that you chose to stay in a relationship with someone who was cheating on you. As Jerry said, you're dating danger and if it were me, I would run for the hills. Your bf may be in recovery, but his actions don't reflect someone who is working an honest program based on what Jerry said above. Lots of support and hugs to yoU!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
I hate to say it but given that he was cheating on you the entire length of the relationship, it doesn't sound like a "super serious grown up sober relationship" to me. Even when alcoholics aren't drinking they still exhibit alcoholic behaviors, a couple of those being selfishness and deceit. Oh and being full of excuses. Obviously I don't have both sides of the story here but being that you're only 6 months in and the whole relationship thus far has been built on a lie, I'd think long and hard about whether you feel you'll ever be able to trust him.
In the meantime, do some reading, try a face to face Al Anon meeting, and see if you can get a better understanding of alcoholism and all it entails...even if the alcoholic is sober.
Well, yeah, get a better understanding of alcoholism but also codependency. Otherwise you're in for a trip to hell (and back if you're lucky)
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
What did you think when you learned he had cheated the entire length of your romance?
What would you tell a friend who learned what you learned?
Be your own caring friend.
You will learn this attending in-person AlAnon meetings. Good luck. It gets so much better.
Welcome to MIP! I truly have nothing new to add but wanted to say hello!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
If you choose to go to Alanon, you'll learn about working the 12 steps which come from the AA program. The steps are about being honest with ourselves and others.
If this man has been sneaking around on you from the beginning and cheating on you with this former gf he's been dishonest with you, deceived you. It's been going on from the beginning. The relationship you believed you were having with him you weren't having. You didn't deserve that, did you.
You might be angry at him right now or you might be making excuses for him. Either way, Alanon can help sort out your feelings. I hope you keep sharing with us. You deserve the best you can give yourself. Keep coming back. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 11th of September 2015 07:20:27 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
When people show you who they are believe them the first time. That's not to say people can't change if they work on themselves, but there is a knowing intuitively when someone has truly changed. They act different. They treat you different. They know deep in there bones when you won't take anymore bs. When I no longer was willing to put up with bad behavior that got my husbands attention. I wasn't the same person anymore. I knew I deserved more and it was no longer about just saying it. I began to respect and love myself. I sat in at least a thousand meetings before it sank in. ...self care putting the self first.... Not blaming myself anymore for other people's behaviors or actions. All the watching, monitoring and allegations and bitching never did a thing for me. In alanon I learned to get the focus on myself and my relationship worked itself out on its own. I no longer feel I need to watch him or monitor his whereabouts. I went out and got a second job doing something I always wanted to do working as a barista and I'm making money ;) it's amazing how much I can accomplish with the focus on me and my inventory. He's a part of my life now but not my entire life. I have my own hopes and dreams now for the first time in my life. There is no more chaos, or extreme highs and lows. I have grown accustomed to the peace and serenity. As the others said sometimes even after a person stops drinking the behaviors last and they can last well into recovery. Often one addiction just takes the place of another. The alanon program offers you hope and choices for you.
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
