The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just seem to be able to detect them, not tolerate them, not do anything about it, but still get on their bad side somehow. I'm not totally against drinking and get along fine with fun nights out filled with non-addicts and a little goofiness, but actual addicts just don't work with me and get really mad at me even though I just do my best to steer clear. The only thing I can see in myself is avoiding the manipulation they seem to have over a lot of people who don't see the drinking problem. I don't cater to them, save them from nights of puking, or laugh at them acting mean or inappropriate. I can't avoid seeing the addiction and how nasty their personalities are. I'm up to 3 people now and have been right about their alcoholism each time. They've all been the type in denial. They've eventually lashed out at me and other people see it and then believe there is a problem. Until that happens, I tend to blame myself as though I'm doing something wrong socially.
I was raised by a family of alcoholics all in denial with varying personalities; some that I avoided and others that were functional and seemed to be self treating depression/anxiety but never got mean or out of control.
Kay2009, Welcome to MIP. I understand where you are coming from. I used to be the same way, but then I learned a little about the disease, and have come around from intolerance to empathy. I learned this from Al-anon, which has local meetings all over the country. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings If you want to have a better understanding of the disease, then Al-anon may help. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and please keep coming back to let us know how you are doing.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Are the meetings OK for somebody who wants to safely, and more peacefully avoid the type of alcoholics who are in denial and refuse help? And also have an aggressive/manipulative personality. I'm all for people with the disease who have accepted it and are working to control it or better themselves but I'm bumping into those who are very against the idea that they have a problem and are very aggressive toward people who don't absolutely coddle and praise them. I'm pretty good with the alcoholics I've met who realize the problem and don't take it out on others. I just don't want to come into a meeting with the wrong goals that may not be appropriate for what people want to accomplish. I have a clear goal that I do not want particular types of alcoholics around me.
Al-anon will help you be more understanding and tolerant. You will find that
what you will acquire from Al-anon is a more peaceful mindset concerning
the stress created by the "aggressive/manipulative personalities" you
encounter.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Hi Kay, welcome. When we live around the disease we often develop or use tools to cope with the challenges we face. These tools are often unhealthy for us over the long term and ultimately ineffective for helping us take care of ourselves.
AlAnon introduced me to a new perspective from which to see the disease, but much more importantly, myself. I was able to understand what I could do to increase the peace inside myself, and also how to better deal with those who struggled with the disease.
I am glad you reached out, and hope you seek out a meeting in your area or any of the great books available through AlAnon Family Groups
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
I was also raised by alcoholics, can also spot them a mile off and am also impervious to their games/personality structure. Of course it is a result of our upbringing. It is also a result of how our particular personalities responded and developed. Some people raised by alcoholics are then magnetically drawn to them, unconsciously, and marry them. They will always find the sickest person in the bar to fall in love with and their pattern confuses them. They blind themselves to the symptoms and warning signs.
Many ACoAs marry multiple alcoholics. Many are alcoholics themselves. These are all different faces of the same illness we get growing up with alcoholics. You and me developed a protective intolerance of the behavior and a vigilance for detecting it. We are still codependant (I see some of that in your words, this is not an insult. Children of alcoholics are raised codependant)
I doubt alanon will help you avoid or control alcoholics but it will make you heal the carnage in yourself.
It is very easy to avoid aggressive alcoholics. Pick up your feet and walk. Do not go where they are. Don't associate with people they associate with. Get yourself out of the scene. Undo the resonance with that particular game, within you. Decide. Just decide. If you have reasons you can't simply eradicate this type of person from your life,that means some part of you needs them there.
Alanon would help you disengage so you don't have the trigger any more to 'call them out, expose the truth, make yourself vulnerable to attack'. You don't have to do that, you know. You won't have any impact.
Your work is to learn how to free yourself. That is your only power and your only business. You may be repeating the childhood pattern of fighting the alcoholism and trying to do something about it. You may be repeating the incredibly painful childhood pattern of being the only one seeing the situation with clarity, truth and insight. That's horrifying for a child and adolescent, it destroys our self esteem to be clear sighted and surrounded by delusional adults. It's very disorienting. It causes us to stop trusting ourselves and feel confused.
I no longer care what alcoholics do. I don't care what the people around them do or believe. There is no need for you to, either. It's not actually your problem or your responsibility
__________________
You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
