The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband was involved in a drinking and driving accident a little over a month ago. Thankfully he did not hit someone else and was not seriously injured. Through an intervention we were able to convince him to go for treatment. He was admitted into a detox facility for only 2 days because his symptoms were so mild. He promised to go through continued outpatient treatment, however has not made one effort. He gets very defensive and angry when confronted about it. He has not drank since the accident. However his mood swings are terrible and he is often withdrawn. I feel like I am still walking on eggshells and I have nothing to say to him. I use to think his lack of energy was due to the drinking, however aside from financially providing the man does nothing to help me around the house. We have 4 young beautiful boys, 3 which are triplets. I am a one man operation the majority of the time. Over the years I have become very resentful. I am honesty so tired of the ups and downs...I honesty think I am in depression myself now that reality has hit me in the face. I have been married to an alcoholic for 12 years now. I was 24 when we started dating and at the time thought we just had fun together. As the years have progressed the drinking increased and his "stress" levels increased. I am tired of being sad and just want to find a happy place. He is impossible to talk to, and has a terrible temper when angry. I have learned to just shut down. I am a very spiritual person and feel I made a commitment to both he and God. I feel like I can't walk away now, but I want to crawl in bed and stay there or get away from it all. Does anyone have any advice? I live for my boys and I am afraid to make a change, and he has and I feel I owe it to him. I at least knew what to expect when he was drinking.
You use the same tools of AlAnon when you are dealing with someone who has the same symptoms of an alcoholic. I know exactly what you are dealing with. Get to AlAnon and use this web site and get help for yourself. You can be happy again, but if your hubby doesn't want to be happy (it is his choice), you can't make him happy. You have to save yourself. And you have to realize that your hubby has walked away from the marriage already and he can't heap all the guilt on you. He owes you. He also owes the boys. His anger is his way to control you. If you shut down (I did too. Now I walk away.) it means it is working and his control is complete.
Keep coming back and learn more about AlAnon and alcoholism. Take care of yourself.
Welcome to MIP Saalbema! Glad you found us and shared your experiences as well. Your resentment and stress are understandable but can be allieviated by finding and joining a local Al-anon group. Face to Face meetings and learning the tools, slogans, prayers, mediations, etc. will give you the support and information that will, with time, ease your stress and resentment. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings You do not have to live like you are and you will find that you are not alone! We learn, in Al-anon that the three C's: You didn't cause the drinking, you can't control the drinking and you cannot cure the drinking. The onus is totally on your alcoholic husband. We learn about the disease, so that you can understand your AH, appreciate the good that he brings and detach from the chaos/drama that the disease creates. We learn what part we play in that chaos/drama when we don't detach with love and empathy. Please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing. {{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Welcome Kimberly I can so identify with your feelings and sadness. I discovered that alcoholism is a chronic, three fold disease that can be arrested but never cured.
Stopping drinking ( WHICH IS A FANTASTIC STEP) only addresses the physical portion of the disease -- attending AA or other suppport groups helps to address the emotional and spiritual aspects.
Recovery from the disease takes time and effort. We who live with the disease also need a program of recovery because we have been depleted by living in the insanity and have developed negative coping tools in the process.
Please search out face to face alanon meetings and attend. There is hope
Thank you both for your kind responses. I know what you are saying is exactly right. I know these things is the frustrating part. I do plan on seeing someone...not to validate my feelings, but to help me cope with my feelings. I guess I decided to join because I have been told for so many years that I am negative, and a nothing makes me happy. I know my boys make so so happy it hurts! I wish he could see the joy in life and I do wish that we could communicate together. I feel like if I don't have that I can't be happy.
Saalbema, I understand that you need to know that your AH is happy, but you cannot
base your happiness on someone else. Your happiness is your own, from within.
Al-anon will help you see and learn new ways to combat the negativity that we all
acquire from living with the disease of alcholism.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I would also like to add that before program my attitudes about life, love and my responsibilites were distorted and needed to change.
Alanon provided me with constructive tools so that I could be happy and then I could turn around and share that happiness , joy, compassion, empathy with others. That was a true gift.
Saalbema, I am sorry for your loss. I consider it a loss for you right now because the life that you thought you would be having is gone. That can change whether or not your husband stops drinking. I know the feeling that you have lost control and yet need to be strong for your sons and yourself. Please continue to vent because all of us are in the midst of this and some have been lucky enough to come out the other side with happiness. I wish you peace in your life.
saalbema - I too welcome you to MIP. So glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share.
I am a double winner (AA & Al-Anon) and met my husband in recover (AA). We both were sober and working the program for 6+ years before we married. We have two boys, age 23 and 21. My husband relapsed between the boys' births and does not work a program and sneaks his drinks.
What you describe is very aligned with my story. He provided financially but beyond that, nodda. It drove me crazy for a long, long while and he also is very passive/aggressive. I decided I had to let all that go and focus on my boys.
Flash forward to teen years and both my boys 'experimented' with mind-altering substances. They are both alcoholics too. It is threw their journey down that I found Al-Anon. Al-Anon gave me the tools, program, fellowship and support that propelled me from living my life for others full of resentment and anxiety to living my life for myself. I am beyond happy at this point, and none of the 3 of them did/does anything different.
Like Betty mentions, I had to let go of what my brain told me a marriage should be like, and deal with my reality, the good and the bad and figure out how I can be happy, healthy and whole no matter what anyone else is or is not doing around me. I love my husband and my boys, but I despise this disease. It almost tore apart everything in my world, and I found Al-Anon at a point when I too wanted to crawl into a hole and never come back out.
So very glad you are here - please know you are not alone. With 4 young ones, if it's easier, there are meetings here online too. Look up in the top left had corner and you will find the schedule and the link to the meeting/chat room. I do both, and love my local fellowship. It's where I got the phone numbers I use when I need an ear to listen and ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope).
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Saalbema, thank you for joining us and sharing your story.
My husband stopped drinking two years ago. The first month was very difficult. The three month mark saw lots of ghastly mood swings. Six months. One year. Now he is reaching the two year mark I am beginning to see flashes of the man that I fell in love with. It has been a long haul and I am sure that there will be more ups and downs in the future.
I too became depressed by my situation. I felt drab and drained of energy. When I got tired I became resentful that I was having to do so much stuff without receiving help or appreciation, which led me to not liking myself much. And thus the circle continued for a while. Then I figured that I had to live with me for the rest of my life and whilst I could not do anything about some things in my life I could take better care of myself. I rested when I could. Ate healthy foods. Sought out friends and started doing yoga and meditation. Took my mind off my husbands moods and affairs and no longer accepted responsibility for them. I also keep a journal where I list the three best things of the day before going to sleep every night (in your case you might need to make it four best things!).
My mood is definitely much better than it was. I still slip occasionally but I am thankful that in the last few years I have enjoyed many things. Painting. Writing. Two Open University courses. Learnt to bake and lots of beautiful countryside walks.
Saalbema, as you can probably tell from this list I do not have four lovely young boys in my life, you are the first person I have come across who has triplets and it must be a handful. Congratulations. For me it became very important that I did make time to look after myself and reconnect with some things that I enjoyed. That whatever I did, even if it was done for others, was my own choice. My depressed feelings came, I think, from a lot of unexpressed anger and a sense of powerlessness about some things in my life. Doing small things for my own well being make me feel so much more in control of my thoughts and feelings. I don't resent nearly as much as I did these days!
For me it became very important that I did make time to look after myself and reconnect with some things that I enjoyed. That whatever I did, even if it was done for others, was my own choice. My depressed feelings came, I think, from a lot of unexpressed anger and a sense of powerlessness about some things in my life. Doing small things for my own well being make me feel so much more in control of my thoughts and feelings. I don't resent nearly as much as I did these days!