The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am trying to hard to focus on myself. I moved out 2 months ago and got my own place. We don't seem to be a typical couple affected by alcoholism, in that my AH is so focused on me, constant physical needs, will not give me space or honor boundaries. He wants togetherness, and I have fought for more space our entire marriage. So far it hasn't affected him physically/sexually (although I wouldn't know any more b/c I haven't been able to trust enough to go there for almost a year...)
Anyhow - I am still working steps one and two... moving slowly but really trying to embrace that I am powerless over alcohol. I don't want to set up any situation that is focused on him... ie, "if he only does xx or doesn't do yy, I could move home or be intimate or whatever." But he keeps asking if there is any hope for our marriage. Honestly, the hope for me gets weaker every day as he persists in saying/texting all kinds of mean generalized accusations and paranoias about me in front of our children.
He asks how long I am going to not live in our house (and my kids want to know too; they are not happy to have to split their time and have a split family). I don't want to pin it all on him, so I am not sure what to say. Several alcohol counselors had initially suggested kicking him out, and saying he can come back when he has a year of sobriety. Well, he wouldn't leave, so I moved out. I am still considering saying that... stay sober for a year, and we can revisit this arrangement. I didn't say it when I moved out, and now I have a lease for under a year. I am also aware A's can do crazy things like stay sober for a year, and relapse the next day.
I would love and ESH on how to approach this. Still walking a fine line of trying to keep our marriage, want to stay focused on me, but also let him know what is acceptable and not to me. The current unending pattern is sobriety for a bit, halfhearted AA attendance (1-2 x/wk), gets stressed about somethign to do with me/our relationship (never anything else like job, only focused on me), starts secretly drinking, reverts back to bad behavior of saying horrible accusatory things about me in front of children, I leave, he repents, feels good for a short while, then starts focusing resentment on me for upholding my boundaries... and so it goes...
Oceanpine alanon and AA ask that we make a Decision to recover and then follow up that decision with a commitment to a program of recovery.
I would simple state that I have embraced the alanon program and principles and need at least a year on my own to regain my self esteem and self worth. After which I will be able to evaluate what is right for our marriage and that I would pray that he does likewise
(((Oceanpine))) - I really have no ESH with this but wanted to send you hugs and hope. The drama and chaos of alcoholism doesn't stop just because we make a change...What happened for me is as I worked the program, I changed and got stronger, smarter and felt more comfortable making those tough decisions. Be gentle with you and know that just because he's impatient and wants an answer isn't a reason for you to feel pressure to make one.
I have blocked calls/texts from my sons several times when they were aggressively trying to impose their will on me. It's an opportunity for me to process and think without distractions/drama. Keep working on you and the answers will come.
Hang in there!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So much wisdom in the above posts Oceanpine! Take the focus off him and put it into your own recovery and self discovery. I'm kind of thinking that, if he is not ready to commit to his own recovery now when you are separated, then nothing would change if you were back together. His negative behavior and abusive comments would continue to damage both you and your children.
