The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Because so much bad news has arrived via the phone, I get "triggered" when I see certain famIly members phone numbers showing up on my caller ID (or even phone numbers from that area code...as I fear someone who knows my family member is calling me with bad news)
My first post. I understand perfectly. If it is from "the" family member OR if I even get a call at the "wrong" time of the day/night when I'm not expecting it, I panic. My sister sent me a Bible verse today about turning it all over to God. However, that seems to be much easier said than done.
I just have had so much really really bad news via the phone-people calling me to tell me my alcoholic daughter is taking drugs and they think she's going to kill herself, my daughter herself calling me sobbing one time, normal sometimes, then shrieking and accusing me the next. i
Its just too simplistic to say turn it over to God. I mean, Ihave to decide whether to pick up the phone....and I never know what the call willbe about until i answer.
I understand. It is my son. He is currently in rehab. I am still in complete and utter shock.
I, too, have worried whether there is more than the alcohol. And... yes... he has threatened not suicide per se but more statements like "I wish I wasn't here."
I hate the phone. It only brings me bad things. Sometimes at night I turn off the ringer. Then I panic in the morning when I see if there were any calls. Son is in rehab now. He calls twice a day feeling sorry for himself. He has no where to go when he leaves. I live in total fear that he is going to call and ask me to pick him up so he can stay here for a bit. I will have to say no and it will kill me.
I understand completely. We feel like, well, as a parent we should help our kids......but then, when is it help and when is it enabling?
And, when we offered "help" (advice, guidance etc) in years padt, was that advice heeded by our children? No. Our children did what they wanted to do and then when things go badly for them, want us to make the consequences go away.
Been there, My worst phone call was when I was on a business trip in Canada (I live in Indiana) where the principal of my son's private christian middle school was calling to tell me that my wife was being arrested in the parking lot for attempting to pick up my son and a friend under the influence of alcohol.
She had already called me twice that day, obviously drunk, but I never imagined she would actually get in the car and drive to get my son. After those initial calls, there was nothing I could do, again not knowing that she would/could drive. All I could do was go back to work and wait. And then afterward I had to be in meetings for 5 more days before I could go home. with no one to talk to about this except the occasional panicked calls from my MIL about what was going on. Thank God she didn't kill anyone, and thank god that finally spurred her into recovery.
My only advice, because I still can't even imagine the pain that you ladies feel being moms to kids with addictions, is just keep going to Al Anon meetings. I have seen other parents go and, eventually, find that "let go and let God" wasn't so trite anymore. It does take time, but they were able to look back and find that they had carved some serenity out of their lives, where before they had none.
So keep going back, and keep coming back here.
Kenny
PS I thought the title of your thread was "Anyone here now wanting to chant?" Couldn't figure out what that was all about til I just now re-read it
Welcome JanS - so glad you found us and so glad you're here!
I have 2 A sons and they've given me a run for my money - many times. I used to hate the phone, I've since change my perceptions because it's a 'controllable tool'. When I go to bed, I shut it off. I don't do middle of the night calls any longer, and trust God. Besides, if it's a true emergency, I've got a lan line and I don't shut it off usually.
I absolutely know, still to this day, that when the phone rings, and it is one of them, they want or need something. They do not call just to chat or to check on me - EVER.....
One is in recovery and one is active. Yet, this has become a predictable behavior. So, I have the choice to answer or not. They've been told (boundaries) that if they call and I don't answer, I won't return the call unless they leave a message.
It seems in my world that manners taught when they were small went out the window with their addiction. So, we've been doing some retraining in the last few years about respect, boundaries, manners, etc. If they disagree, that's their choice but it doesn't change my actions/reactions.
This program has taught me that I do have the power to choose whether to answer or not, whether to help or not, whether to return the call or not, etc. My experience - if they do not get their way, they react negatively but that's not a reason for me to change my day, plans or attitude. It's their issue, within their scope and not mine.
So - yes....been there and done that - way too many times. It's amazing how my thinking has changed about so many things. I used to think that jail or prison would be the worst thing ever. Now, I view it as a gift as I know they are safer locked up (when active) than 'free'. I could go on and on and on....my perceptions have changed because I have changed - with the help of this program, the ESH of those who came before me and the guidance of a great sponsor and a HP that guides me to choose me today over the disease.
It's not easy, but it's possible. It's one day at a time and it's so worth it. I also tend to be better at processing a voicemail if it is an issue than 'live' on the phone. Gives me time to pray, collect my thoughts and decide if I have any action and what that might be.
(((Hugs))) to all....know that you're not alone!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Know exactly how you feel. This is one of the reasons I do not have a cell phone in a world when EVERYONE has a cell phone! Several of my sisters are tied to their kid's daily drama because they text back and forth all day. So instead of pondering things, they immediately call mom and drag her into it. Then she is really upset and they happily continue on with their day.
My husband says our son rarely calls when he is not in some kind of crisis. That is not totally true but there is truth in it. I get a sick feeling in my stomach when he calls until I know that this time, everything is alright. My deal with myself is to make myself unavailable at times so that I can have some peace.
And when he does call and he has been drinking, I oh so politely remind him of my boundaries and tell him to call again when he is sober. Then I hang up and turn off the phone.
I am waiting for the phone to ring now. Son is in rehab. His counselor forgot to call the insurance co. to ask for more time. If he calls and says he has to leave, what will I do? He has no where to go. His partner won't have him. I can't. There is a 3 month wait for a sober living house. He has $300. The only thing I can think of, is I can go on line to airbnb and get him a room for 3 days near his probation group and then let him figure it out. I don't know if he has his job. I doubt it. He can't go near his 3 month old because there is an order of protection. It was the only way to get him out of the house. So I can book a room, drop him off and let him do whatever. Or maybe since it is 2:00 he is staying. I have accomplished nothing today except wait.
This is the part (of being linked by love and family connections) that is so confusing.
In a "normal" relationship, friends/lovers/relatives are a support system for each other in timessed of need.
Bur "normal" relationships have a balance. Sometimes my friend drives me places as my car is in the repair shop. Other times, I bake bread for or take some flowers to my friend.
With our alcoholics, there is no balance. Their choices have drained us financially and emotionally to the point that we will lose our own physical/mental well being if we don't take steps to protect ourselves.
Thank you for the warm welcomes. Wednesday was a melt down day. Yesterday an okay day. Today not so good. Earlier today got a call from the rehab. Initially I only recognized the number... had no idea why they were calling. "Only" the business office...
