The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
According to disability studies specialist Lennard J. Davis, historically, the concept of co-dependence comes directly out of Alcoholics Anonymous (thought that interesting to learn), part of a dawning realization that the problem was not solely the addict, but also the family and friends who constitute a network for the alcoholic. It was subsequently broadened to cover the way that the codependent person is fixated on another person for approval, sustenance, and so on.
Al-Anon holds the view that alcoholism is a family illness and is one of the earliest recognitions of codependency. I believe that it is because within the family, there is a tendency to keep alcoholism a secret, and behind the scenes we are catering to it to keep it quite. We learn in Al-anon, that in order to overcome, we have to be open and honest about the disease, that the steps help remove the secrets and we learn that catering to the disease is making us ill as well.
Codependency has been referred to as the disease of a lost self. Codependent relationships are marked by intimacy problems, dependency, control (including caretaking) denial, dysfunctional communication, lack of boundaries, and high reactivity. The 4 Ms are in direct relation to codependency, which are manipulating, mothering martyrdom and managing.
Often, there is imbalance, so one person is abusive or in control or supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Some codependents often find themselves in relationships where their primary role is that of rescuer, supporter, and confidante. These helper types are often dependent on the other person's poor functioning to satisfy their own emotional needs. Many codependents place a lower priority on their own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.
In a codependent relationship, the codependent's sense of purpose is based on making extreme sacrifices to satisfy their partner's needs. Codependent relationships signify a degree of unhealthy clinginess, where one person doesn't have self-sufficiency or autonomy. One or both parties depend on their loved one for fulfillment. There is almost always an unconscious reason for continuing to put another person's life ahead of your own, and often it is because of the mistaken notion that self-worth comes from other people.
I know that what I have posted so far is very clinical, but I thought it be important to real nail this, because the problem of co-dependency plays such a huge role in how we handle ourselves with the As in our lives and how that affects us on so many levels.
How do we stop codependency? By focusing only on ourselves and allow the As and all others folks in our lives, to take care of themselves.
How do we focus only on ourselves, by working those 12-steps, going to face to face meetings, learning the slogans and tools, saying the prayers and relying on our HP.
{{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Hi Debb, as I read your posting I could see my FOO clearly. They could each be the poster children for alanon and care-taking while making themselves invisible. The way I see it is that being codependent can be very tempting.
In other words they can and do appear to be connected while being protected and not allowing themselves to be vulnerable . We have spoken of this often and they see no need to change. They are happy in that role and any negative effects that they experience they can easily point to someone else and blame them.
I am grateful that HP lead me to alanon and that I kept an open mind, decided to let go of all my destructive(to me) tools and set myself free. It is not an easy path and the only reason I stayed on it is that after being in program for a time, i could not go back and I had no where else to go. Somewhat like Peter's response:' Where shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.
I am still uncovering my true self and will always be a work in progress. I am so pleased that I can validate myself, experience all my feeling and know I am enough while still responding to others with compassion and empathy.
Good topic
I too can see my FOO in what was posted. We too kept and fed many secrets, and were to be perfect, invisible offspring.
I am grateful that Al-Anon has given me what I need to love me, and work to become the best version of my I can be. I believe that the program has also helped me develop the grace and dignity to detach and allow my qualifiers to be themselves, and to love them for who they are in the moment.
It is so refreshing to know that I am a work in progress, on a path with beautiful people striving for a peaceful life. Thank you for your service and thank you Al-Anon for showing me a better way!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The first mention that I ever saw on codependency was an article 'how the codependency movement is wreaking marriages'! Whilst I can see that article's point, since a degree of codependency so naturally exists in a long lasting relationship, I am also relieved that I went on to discover Melody Beattie and the affects that living with an alcoholic can have. Consideration for the loved ones in our lives seems natural and beneficial to me, providing that it is reciprocated. I have felt the 'M's - especially the pull to mother, manage and become a martyr. The discomfort of resisting that pull has shown me how able I am to be sucked into codependency. It is a tricky tightrope when living with an alcoholic (who, in my experience, invites mothering and martyrdom no end!) but I have appreciated the opportunity to look at where those traits come from; the awareness that I have now, knowing that they exist; and the learning of tools to help me put myself first!
