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Hi, Need advice. My son-in-law is an alcoholic and I'm concerned for my grandsons mostly. He always drinks everyday. Has had 2 DUI's n my daughter has had to drive him because he lost his licences. He has his licences back but I'm confident that he still drinks & drives with the kids in the car cuz he smelled of alcohol when dropping them off at my house. He gets very verbally abusive to the kids, others & my daughter. She is in denial. They met in a rehab house and know what alcohol & drugs do & all that education behind it.
On one occasion I stayed at their house for 2 days to watch the kids. He was at work. When I got to the house there was a 12 pk in the garage. My daughter was out. He came home at 2:20 walking in with a beer in his hand (like usual). Upon going in the garage for a cigarette, I noticed another 12 pk. My daughter gets home after 7 pm and they leave for a night out (yes, with drinking). I have to say my daughter at least will not drink & drive. Glad she is smart enough for that. Frankly she doesn't really drink. Anyway, after they left I went to have a cig in the garage and 23 cans of beer were now gone. They got home late & he was asleep in the car. Yes, passed out. My daughters comment, he always passes out & does this he's drunk. I have seen this on more then one occassion with him. He gets nasty, is verbally abusive and doesn't remember things. Like I said there are kids involved & if I say anything on the verbal abuse I am punished by not seeing my grandkids for months at a time.
Please suggest what I can say to the kids about this verbal behavior from their father?
Welcome babchimon7, glad you found us and have shared your concerns. I would recommend Al-anon to you and perhaps you can recommend it to your daughter as well. Local Al-anon meetings can be found via this website: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings. Working the 12-steps and going to meetings will give you both the information and support on how to effectively deal with an alcoholic. We learn, in Al-anon that you, as family members, did not cause, nor can you control or cure alcoholism, it is entirely up the the 'A'. Please continue to come back to talk with us. And the question was raised as to how old are the children?
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Aloha Babchi and welcome to the board...how old are the kids? are they old enough to understand concepts of alcoholism and the family and parent/child relationships. Al-Anon is most likely in your area and your can find the hotline number for them in the white pages of your local telephone book. Call that number and find out where and when we get together in your area to help ourselves and each other learn about this life threatening disease...yes it is fatal. Also you will find directions to Alateen literature and the Alateen program is a part of Al-Anon. Getting them the literature which also might be in your local library will give them a head up on what is going on and what they can do about it for themselves...that won't help your daughter-in-law much and might put you on shaky ground however all of us have need of tons of courage when it comes to change in this disease. Got more questions? keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Hi,
I am a grandma too. And what I have learned from my own situation and from listening at a lot of years of meetings...... we detach from the alcoholic. We do not detach from the children. That means that even though I won't argue with the alcoholic and the alcoholism, I still will be there for the children. I will do the tiptoeing around so that I can take the children away from the situation. I heard today at a meeting that a grandma said that she takes her grandchild away from the house, but she felt that it gave her daughter license to drink when the child is away. It was pointed out that the alcoholic will drink anyway, so it is better if the children are away. And the alcoholic can't harm the children if they are in a safe situation with grandma.
But still, you have to do what is right in YOUR situation. Only you know what is right and good in YOUR situation.
AlAnon is a program of honesty. Be honest with the kids. And let them know you will always be there for them. The oldest one is old enough to use a telephone. Make sure shehe knows your number. I know grandmas that have given their little ones a simple phone only to be able to call grandma.
I would have to be careful with kids that young hoping to remember what it was like for me when I was their age. I use to counsel the young ones and listening was the big tool along with remembering what it was like for me. They love honesty and can relate to it. The program use to have Alatot and I don't know if it still exists. you can ask Alnon wso. Be open and honest with them and respectful. ((((hugs))))
My dad was like your SIL, with ferocious violence. My mum was the same, a chronic alcoholic. Both drove drunk. My mum performed a fatal hit and run with my baby sister and brother in the car.
Because your grandsons are so young, when their father does something that is frightening to them, like verbal abuse, they can't process it. They're babies with childlike thinking. It becomes a frozen experience in their bodies. If this happens continuously over their lives, it becomes PTSD. The Adult Child of Alcoholic syndrome is a PTSD disorder. You should see adult ACoAs in meetings etc. They're trying very hard, but they're kinda destroyed. It's poignant and tragic. Unfortunately having a mother like your daughter - codependant, doing her best, in denial, breaking inside, is just as damaging to developing children as the drinker. Your grandsons will be trawling these boards and rooms in 30 yrs time, unless they're self medicating themselves and unable to.
Read Tian Dayton's blog to get an idea of the boys and what you can do to help them. See if you can find her blog post about resilient children and what some of the causes are: having at least one stable, sane, loving person in their lives (ie, you) goes a long way. Speak to them in age-appropriate ways. Words are less important to little children than body language and subtle communication. Most important thing for a child of alcoholic: soothing touch, comfort, cuddles, affection, adoration, validation. Your grandchildren are not getting the chance to learn how to self-soothe, because human children learn that from parents. This happens via the limbic system, mirror neurons and absorbtion. Their parents are teaching them panic responses. This inability to self regulate because we were not taught, is one of the things that causes so much pain and dysfunction later in life. So if you hug them, smile at them, rock them and soothe them, speak intelligently to them, play with them <---vital, you will really cushion a lot of this carnage. If you can show them experientially that there is such thing as a safe and stable place and person in the world, they will be able to avoid a lot of the stunning conclusions other kids in their predicament come to about life being incredibly hostile and unpredictable and unsafe.
WHATEVER YOU DO, don't abandon the boys. If their parents ever try to kick you out of the life, I would call child protection. I might even do that first. Being abandoned is another common feature of these kids.
My first instinct is to tell you to kidnap them and get them outta there, haha. But I think the best bet here is for you to remain a presence in the lives of your daughter and grandsons. I echo the others - get yourself to Alanon and talk to your daughter about it too. Your daughter has a thing called 'codependancy', many people develop it and other mental illnesses while living with an alcoholic. You will learn all about it at Alanon meetings. See if you can educate yourself about what the boys might need from you, what might be going on for your daughter (any Alanon literature or the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie) and become neutral towards your son in law.
Huge love coming your way and good luck!
-- Edited by hiraeth on Friday 11th of September 2015 08:18:12 PM
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
