The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It protects us until we are equipped to cope with reality. ~ C.S. Lewis
Denial is a disbelief in the existence or reality in a thing. In Al-Anon, denial is when we hide how we feel, what we experience, and what we know. Even when good sense tells us something is wrong we want to believe the problem will go away or does not exist. (Al-Anon glossary definition).
I found that it is important to understand my AH and what/why denial existed and how it affected me. His denial belonged to him and when he decides to cope with reality, then he and his HP would take care of what needs to be done, to stop the drinking.
My denial entailed the fact that I too needed a program of recovery, from the damage caused by the constant chaos/drama that I lived in, and that I needed a program of recovery just as much as AH does. My denial also included my belief that I could some how manipulate my AH to stop drinking, a very misguided belief and am very happy to understand that it does not work and actually caused more problems then good.
When I stop worrying about how others see things and focus on myself, I gain more serenity than I have ever known. I cannot control the disease of alcoholism, but I can step away from its grip by honestly examining my motives and feelings.(Courage to Change ODAT in Al-Anon II 9/10) Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
Living outside of denial, is freedom, strength, confidence and faith.
{{Group Hug}}
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
DENIAL Love the simple defnition: Don't Evem No IAm Lying
I used this tool often in an attempt to survive in an alcoholic marriage I pretended to be understanding when deep within I was angry and resentful. I pretended to "love "my husband when I truly wanted to kill him,because he was not living up to my expectations. I smiled and laughed when my feelings were hurt, and pretended to like my friends when I was jealous of their lives.
My FOO still lives completely in Denial and I am so pleased I have developed new constructive tools to live by. I can feel my feelings, validate myself, look within and examine my motives, place principles above personalities and say when I mean and mean what i say without saying it mean . What a freedom this program affords!!!
Great topic.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 8th of September 2015 06:13:34 AM
Thank you both for your shares and ESH. I have learned so much from both of you. Something I just recently realized with my AH is that when he is sober he tends to get angry with me. In the past I didn't notice it. (Denial) or didn't believe it was anger, it couldn't be. He was sober right? When I first realized it about a week and a half ago I would say don't yell at me he would claim he wasn't. But yesterday when he did it, I just stared at him and didn't say a word.he was waiting for my response. He finally changed the subject. That felt pretty good.
I am amazed at the power of denial within our beings.
I could stand in my own shoes, look at someone who was clearly under the influence of something, ask about it, be told no, and then second guess myself and end up under the spell of self-doubt and insanity.
When I keep my life as simple as possible, and take care of me - this seems to not happen as I am no longer focused on what's going on beyond my hula-hoop.
I still have moments when I have to sit quietly and explore what's really happening inside 'me'. Shortly before arriving in the program, I would often be numb. Just numb - I was beyond hurt, angry, sad, lonely, etc. I had ventured into a state of existence that felt numb. When asked how I was, I stopped saying good or bad and would just answer OK. So, when something is bothering me today, I no longer want to slip it under a rug and go numb. I want to self-assess, feel and acknowledge 'it' so that I can grow and get to the other side.
I believe that denial is a self-protection tool of the soul. That's such an awesome way to 'see it' as in some instances, I am just not ready/able to see the reality. I do know that denial for me can keep me stuck and I believe that's the position when I go numb.
I like what Betty wrote too - Don't Even Know I Am Lying. What a powerful tool to consider when seeking my own truth. This post is giving me pause today to see if where I am and how I feel is real!!
Thanks Debb & Betty for your shares and service!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
