The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I'm new here. My therapist had been recommending al anon for awhile, but now I'm ready. I will be attending my first meeting tomorrow night. Looking through all your stories, it really helps ease a fraction of the pain knowing that I'm not alone, and seeing so many similar stories to mine. I have one that is probably pretty common and my actions and reactions will probably seem very codependent and ignorant. But I would love to share and get it out, and could use some support :
My partner of 9 years, who I had thought I would spend the rest of my life with, broke up with me yesterday because I tried to fight him about his drinking for the last year or two. Which I probably could have and should have handled better, but coulda shoulda woulda...
He said he doesn't love me anymore. There's no working through that. Yesterday, I was surprisingly optimistic and ready for a fresh start. But today I made the grievous error of looking through old pictures of a time when we used to be happy, and I'm having a harder time staying positive.
He knows he has a drinking problem but he thinks it only goes as far as drinking too much (in volume, not frequency). Because he can still go to work even hungover, and get paid the big bucks, he doesn't think the problem goes any deeper, or that it's "not that big of a problem." But honestly, I think a big reason he feels like he fell out of love with me is because I keep questioning him and challenging him, and screwing up his system. *I* even hate who I have become, so I guess I don't blame him. He says he wants to be able to hang out with his friends (to go out drinking) without having to consider someone else or someone else's feelings. What kind of relationship is that? It's not.
So, he resents me because he sees my challenging him, or "not letting" him go hang out with his friends as making it all about me. But I don't think he sees that the underlying cause is the alcohol. We have no connection when he drinks, which has caused me to withdraw from him, and then it's "all about me" when I DO seek that connection that has been missing due to the drinking. Or, it's "all about me" when I "don't let" him go out to drink (I would never NOT allow him to do something, just gave him a hard time about it, I suppose). I feel worried that if I'm not there to help keep him grounded, he will spiral (I know, I know...). But, my brain knows it's not my responsibility, but my heart is having a hard time listening.
That's why it's so hard for me to be mad at him. Because I know it's a disease and I blame the disease for almost everything that went wrong in the last year or two. So I think that's why even though I subconsciously knew our relationship was falling apart, I just couldn't end it myself. Because I knew it was the alcoholism more than a problem with "us" and I foolishly felt like that had more potential to be fixable. But he doesn't see it that way. He sees it as him being unhappy... and stifled. and resentful. and judged.
and I don't blame him.
I hope I at least helped him be more aware of it, if I did anything right at all, if our relationship had to be the collateral damage :(
Now, my brain is committed to working on myself and looking forward (my heart is having a harder time). And I know it won't be easy, picking up what my whole adult life has been like and making a change...and I am so thankful that this board is here for support from others who understand my situation. Thank you for listening <3
-- Edited by shattered on Monday 7th of September 2015 06:45:19 PM
Welcome to MIP Shattered and glad you found us too and very happy you are going to attend Al-anon meetings!! You are correct, you describe a very similar story, I too live with someone who is an active drinker and in total denial. In Al-anon I learned to not confront or argue, what my qualifer does is his business. In Al-anon I learned to detach with love and empathy and step aside and just take care of my self. When you argue with an alcoholic you are only giving them more reason to drink. We learn that we did not cause the drinking, we cannot control it nor can we cure it. You can work the 12-steps and attend meetings on this web as well. Please keep coming back!!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Welcome Shattered. Your honesty and clarity will be a tremendous asset to your recovery. I am happy you are planning to attend alanon meetings as it is here that I learned to keep the focus on myself, place principles above personalities and live and let live.
Keep coming back.
Welcome. That name is not going to suit you if you do stick with alanon. Actually you sound like you have good awareness of the disease and your part in this already. You don't sound all that codependent. You sound sad and like you are grieving a long relationship break up which is pretty normal. You don't seem shattered to me. I know it feels bad, but you really seem ready for alanon.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 7th of September 2015 09:40:21 PM
I feel excited that you are going to your first Alanon meeting, I guess it is the thought of all the potential and loving care that makes me feel good about it!
It is nice that you don't blame your partner, and that you can blame the disease. I hope that you don't blame yourself. It is perfectly natural to want to stop someone doing something that is so clearly unhealthy but sadly when drink gets a hold it can be ruthless and conniving and will steamroller any common sense that comes within range.
It sounds as though you have some great awareness and I'm sorry that you are feeling shattered, but I don't think that name is going to define you! Thank you for joining us.
I too welcome you to MIP and am glad you found the courage to share your truth.
This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and in my experience, the one with it is the 'last to know'....
Stick around and grow with us! Glad you are here!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
