Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Fairlee · Senior Member

What does detaching with love look like in your life?

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

To be truthful, in my own case I couldn't detach with love without separating from my A. After the daily insanity was removed, I went through a period of great relief and anger, and then I was able to detach, and finally came the "love" bit - I wouldn't call it love exactly, but sorrow and wishing that things were better for him purely in a non-selfish way. But the daily disappointment and turmoil was too much for me to be able to do it while we lived in the same house. Because the extra trouble it put me too was just not compatible with my living a sane life.

Now that I don't have to deal with it except from afar, I am able to get a more detached perspective. I see how he is still embroiled in the insanity and it is very sad. When it impacts me, I still have to talk to myself to get some clarity.

I know everyone's situation is different. Hugs.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Fairlee)) I do so understand your concerns and confusion I thought I could come into program, pick up some of the tools, and be cured.

I found out that recovery is a long and at times difficult and painful process.

I had to learn how to think, know and feel each and ever step and surrender .I could not simply understand the program intellectually, it had to become a part of my deep inner being before I could benefit.

Detachment with love looks like:", my focusing on myself, nourishing my own self esteem, providing for my own spiritual needs while placing principles above personalities and treating everyone with courtesy and respect. Not expecting anyone else to change except myself.

Meetings, a sponsor and alanon telephone calls helped when I felt lost and alone.

One day at a Time with prayer and trusting HP we recover.

serenity47 · ~*Service Worker*~

Fairlee, I do not have any great words of wisdom for you on detaching with love but I know for me it is a slow process. I am detaching from my adult child, and I too have poured my heart out to her, begging her to get help, that we will help her, support her etc etc and it has not made one bit of difference except when I jump on that crazy train with her I only become overwhelmed and crazy myself. . I cannot divorce her, walk away from the relationship as she is my child. I don't even necessarily have resentments or maybe I do but haven't faced them yet. I just try to remind myself that I CANNOT change anyone. Therefore that leaves me with two choices. Continue to suffer and be miserable most of the time or choose happiness in spite of what is going on. I have all kinds of fears about the future and what that looks like but there again I cannot know what lies ahead and wasting my precious earth time here being frantic is not what I want to be doing with the years I have left. My family has been my greatest joy and at times I literally feel like my heart is being ripped out of me but my life matters to and I have other people in my life whom deserve all of me not the broken hearted person I have been. I will survive whatever happens whether I like it or not.

daze · Veteran Member

Fairlee, I am struggling with this as well and am so sorry for your situation. I too can not figure out how you detach when so much of you life is tied up in the other having an income. If I was able to support myself and have time to take care of my elderly parents, I would have detached years ago. The reality of my life leave very little time to concentrate on me even though I have been able to find some relief with my anger through this website. I understand this is a disease and that it isn't my fault and it's his issue but that doesn't change the basic fact that at this point in time there is no getting around the money. Do I need to lose everything to accept his drinking? Seems at this stage a very steep price to pay.

Billie · Veteran Member

I am struggling with this as well, Fairlee. I suspect I need to separate from my AH to do this successfully and introduce some firm boundaries. However for me that will necessitate a leap of faith - letting go and trusting in a HP - and I am reluctant to do that. I still want to control. So I am thinking alot about that and reading Al Anon literature, as well as listening and sharing at meetings. I guess I am still on the fence about a HP. Look after yourself and concentrate on your own well being and take it slowly, one day at a time. (((((((Hugs)))))))

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Detaching for me, entails a very strong belief that I cannot control the disease, no
matter how dire the future looks. I would not even attempt to, though I have tried,
to explain to my AH my fears. It is not fair or ethical at this point, and is to an extent
manipulation. The reason is that I fully understand that alcoholism is not within
my control and only in the hands of HP and my AH. I resolve to see only the good
that my AH brings to this marriage, respect his life and existence, keep my distance
when I sense he is drinking and work the steps in Al-anon until I get it. I am happy
with my recovery and he is happy because I am not in his face. When he decides
to stop drinking, it will be his decision not mine, because it is his life and body.
{{HUGS}}

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Here's my ESH - take what you like and leave the rest.

I said all I had to say, I cried, pleaded, yelled, sighed, etc. This applies to my AH and my A Sons. I went to hell and beyond trying to 'be heard'. I so wanted to try anything and everything before I 'gave up and left.'

My sponsor from AA suggested Al-Anon. I had already done some exploring and truly did not want to engage in another 12 Step program. But, because I love and respect my sponsor, I went. I did not talk at my first meeting and I did not really feel comfortable. It was not them, it was me (I learned this later when my brain cleared a bit).

I went to a different group and came here and just set aside all that was going on around me, and embraced the program. For me, that meant meetings, readings, steps, prayers, meditation, etc. as much as possible all day long sometimes. My boys laughed and made fun of me; my AH just avoided me.

I slowly got stronger and then I slowly got braver and then I slowly got wiser and found a bit of serenity. With the help of program friends, my sponsor and the steps, I created boundaries for self-protection (sanity, emotional, not physical) and self-preservation. My boundaries were crossed, my boundaries were ignored, my serenity was threatened on a regular basis as nobody knows how to push our buttons better than family.

I learned how to walk away (detach) quietly at first. I was told to just not speak, get up, turn around, and leave the room. This was a new behavior, and when they had nobody to spar with, they stopped picking fights. As I got stronger and saner, I refined my boundaries and began using other tools. Over time, the home got more peaceful and that's when I realized I played a huge part in the chaos/drama. I was changing and things were changing and none of my qualifiers intentionally changed - it just happens.

I do not expect emotional support from my qualifiers. I get this from my sponsor and trusted program friends. I would prefer it be from my home, but that's just not possible as they have nothing to give at this time. It's the disease that is ruling them. My AH moved out of our room a while back so it's easy to find my space and my peace in this home. I've stood by his side during this disease, heart disease, surgery, heart attacks, etc. Does he deserve it? Who am I to say yes or no. I did it because it was the next right thing at the time. He has not been by my side for any like life issues, but I don't do what I do expecting anything in return.

So, for me, I've had to act as if until it became a reality. Act as if I am happy. Act as if I am strong. Act as if I am .... - this program has taught me how to be independent and at total peace, all within my own skin. I do not need to be loved, validated, reassured, comforted, etc. by another to know my HP loves me and wants the best for me. This program has taught me that I can choose to be happy or I can choose to be unhappy.

I've been able to stay in my home, find my peace and learn to love myself and my life again. We have a large home so I can get 'away' when/as needed. My A sons have both moved out - forced because of broken rules/boundaries. One is sober, one is not. Do I worry? Sure I do - I love them more than anything in the world. But, with the 3 Cs in the front of my mind always, I have surrendered them to my HP and just pray for them like I would anyone else who is sick.

I worked hard for all that we (AH & I) have and so long as he's not putting me in jeopardy, our home in peril and my safety is preserved, I can accept him and love him exactly as he is for today.

I don't know if that helps - but the first thing I had to do was accept they could not be what I wanted them to be. Once I surrendered to that fact, it became easier and easier to do for me and to detach from them - over time, with love.

(((Hugs))) - I completely understand how alone you feel and how it seems as if it will always be. It won't - as the program says, This too shall pass...

daze · Veteran Member

Iamhere, I enjoyed reading your post. I understand how you were able to move on in time and accept and love him. You said your safety was preserved and he has not put you in jeopardy, my AH has done neither of those things. He has however put our home in peril and our savings and his pension plan are now gone. I will have a small one if and when I ever get a chance to retire. I am adhering in my mind to the 6 month rule of making major changes in my life I can only hope 6 months is not too long. As I have said before the people on here have helped me calm down when things were bad and I expect many more bad days so I will be back.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I too have had a hard time detaching. I can do it for a while but then I snap and here we go again. I see that I need to stay on my side of street, walk away when he is drinking and not let him take up so much time in my mind by constant worrying. I do need to try harder because when I detach with love my life is so much better. I love what everybody wrote. It is food for thought for anybody trying to do it. This is such a wonderful site. I am so glad I found it 2 1/2 years ago. Take care and hugs to all.

daze · Veteran Member

Hugs to you too Jen

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Daze!

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

I love what Iamhere wrote above. For me, I had to detach with anger first before it became a loving act. It was something I had to do to protect myself and yes, there were resentments and negative feelings involved. But, it was a start towards healing and it put me on the path to detaching with love. Honestly, it was a process and didn't start overnight. It was something I did just by working program and staying in contact with my HP. Honestly, though, it really was easier to detach with love once I removed myself from the home and found my own inner peace and a place of my own.

Hugs to you, you've gotten wonderful feedback here so I hope this has all helped you in your own recovery.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I too love what Iamhere has written, thank you Fairlee for inspiring that wisdom!

When I first heard about 'detach with love' I understood it to mean physically moving away. I did not want to do that at the time, to give up the security of my home filled me with panic. So I started to think about the emotional side of detaching, initially how to disentangle my wants and needs and to stop them from being expectations for something that I could not control. As Hotrod said, my own self esteem became important to me. The quote about 'I disagree with what you are saying but I'll defend your right to say it' helped me to visualise what I was trying to do. I came to accept that my husband's choices for his life were his and very equally, I accepted that they were not for me.

The whole concept of detachment has been a tough one for me, but perhaps that is because it has to be a very personal process! I think that I would be in a healthier, happier, place inside my head if I had physically detached when AH was at the height of his drinking. I think that I've come to accept that physically moving away is a good idea as well, and my acceptance of that gives me new options to defend the boundaries of what I accept in my life now.

carewithann · Member

I love this, and it is Exactly what I have been working on. My AH and I were married 30 yrs ago today ( Labor day) and I spent the weekend trying to focus on what we have created..a Beautiful family with four grown kids who are self reliant. They are truly our blessings from the sacrifices we made over the years.

Deep down he loves me and I have to look past his relationship with his bottle. He does not endanger me or himself in any way as he does not go out drinking and driving.

I have to focus on the good and my peace will come. Luckily, he is easy to ignore when he is drinking as he watches tv downstairs and I am upstairs. ( split level) It is makes it convenient to detach.

As a side note, My awesome kids threw a surprise party for our anniversary. How they worked together to work it all out was amazing.. their talents were shown as we looked around the room..

I could tell exactly who was in charge of each part of it.. God is so good!

hiraeth · Senior Member

Hi Fairlee and others :)

Your struggle reminded me of this quote, I read it today in this amazing book. If you read this book, Fairlee, you will know how to detach with love by the end of it xx

"We dont have to take things so personally. We take things to heart that we have no business taking to heart. For instance, saying If you loved me you wouldnt drink to an alcoholic makes as much sense as saying If you loved me, you wouldnt cough to someone who has pneumonia. Pneumonia victims will cough until they get appropriate treatment for their illness. Alcoholics will drink until they get the same. When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they dont love youthey are saying they dont love themselves.
Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

These are some other quotes that convey what I have been clumsily trying to say with my story about what detaching with love looks like in my life:

When you argue with reality, you lose, but only 100% of the time.

When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.

I am a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Fairlee - In reading what you wrote, my suggestion is that it would just help to lower expectations and understand the disease more for what it is. You have described a fairly far progressed level of alcoholism. He will not be able to stop on his own. It would not even be safe for him to stop on his own. He would need medical detox. So pretty much no matter WHAT he SAYS, unless he is packing up and going to detox at the very least, you can pretty much expect he will be drinking that day. He can't just stop. It will take medical detox in all likelihood. And then a giant commitment/surrender to recovery to maintain sobriety after that as he now has zero coping skills.

So detachment with love is: Acknowledging your husband is very sick and it's very sad. He is able to make these verbal declarations and show understanding at times, but that doesn't mean he is capable of changing without MAJOR amounts of intervention and help that he would have to be totally compliant for. The trap is listening to the declarations and forgetting the actions that would be needed for him to really get sober. Thinking he will just stop and then things will be great...that is magical thinking in all due respect. When you see the disease with clarity, you can detach better and with love if you are really working the program to your best.

hiraeth · Senior Member

Pinkchip, you are so good at summing this up. It's a skill, and you have it in spades. I have really enjoyed reading your insight around these pages.

What loving detachment looks like in my life: I am an ACoA. I've never been married to an alcoholic, so it is slightly different. I have lost both my parents, two sisters and my brother to alcoholism, as well as all grandparents and extended family. But never a lover. So how it will look for me in terms of details will be different.

Both my parents are currently drinking. One is suicidal and taking large doses of morphine as well as wine each day. Either may die any day now, or they may not. I am OK with it. I have true peace and acceptance about it. I don't hate them. I don't even disagree with their choices or have much of an opinion about it any longer. I feel totally neutral. There is no charge there.
But I am not living with them. I don't choose to spend time with them. If I do see one of them, I feel fondness, I enjoy their company, I don't need them to be anything they're not. But it is temporary. I would not go and visit one of them for extended periods of time, deliberately. I've let go.

How to do it while living with one of them could be trickier for me. My childhood was characterized by alcoholism and its associated abuse, and living amongst it may or may not be quite triggering. I keep a healthy distance but don't have to avoid them any longer, and no longer hate them. I know it was never about me, or if they loved me or not.

Now the formidable energy I've put into resolving alcoholism problem, is available for me. I have the task of healing myself, and what a blessing. I get to find out who I am now. It's liberating and fun and painful and shocking and rich with gifts. I wouldn't trade this path for quids, right now.

I see you are in pain because even though you tell him you want to support him and tell him how much it hurts you, he keeps drinking. Please behold below -

A short list of things I tried growing up in an alcoholic house to get them to stop drinking:

*tipping out booze, hiding booze ---> resulted in physical abuse but I persisted

*begging, crying

*being really good/every emotional and psychological tactic available to humankind

*looking after siblings and house to take pressure off parents

*giving them everything they wanted

*counselling them

*throwing tantrums

*running away

*calling cops

*calling relatives

*calling AA

*calling child protection

*calling ambulances

*totally became mum's caretaker, omg, so sick

*arranging for myself to be taken in to foster care

*attempting suicide. I literally attempted suicide, to try to get the message across to my mother, how much her drinking & abuse was hurting us. Nothing else had worked. I'd made it my FULL TIME JOB since I was about 7, to get her to stop drinking. I tried all day every day. I intended my legacy to be that my death snapped her out of it and that she would recognize how hurt we all were and stop, thereby securing a safe and happy future for my younger siblings. With the bonus that I would be dead and out of pain. I came extremely close to dying and now have permanent heart damage - thank God I didn't die though. A few days later when I woke out of the coma, she came to the intensive care unit drunk. I was 15. No aspect of my plan worked.

I was totally consumed and obsessed with this doomed mission. Doomed because we are powerless over alcohol. Step 1 baby. I'm 31. I only recently accepted this.

Things that happened because of drinking, that still didn't stop them from drinking

*manslaughter

*jail

*rehabs

*detoxes

*halfway homes

*homelessness

*losing custody of all children (I was not a minor when this happened)

*millions of court cases about all kinds of matters

*being arrested for stealing a car

*loss of hundreds of thousands of dollars

*poverty

*public humiliation

If normal things were deterrants, there would be no such thing as an alcoholic husband, wife, mother or father. As soon as any of them realized they were hurting family members, they would stop. That's just not how alcoholism works.

My best advice to you is stop getting your hopes up. Stop engaging in conversations with him where he agrees with you that he must stop and confirms that he will stop. Those conversations are just confusing, because the alcoholic appears to understand, then keeps drinking.
Stop being on tenderhooks of hope if he is sober for half a day.

LOSE HOPE. Lose expectation. Lose the false hope. It's a delusion.

Stop setting yourself up for a fall when he inevitably leaves the house and starts drinking immediately. He cannot and will not act in any other way. He is not in control of himself. The man you love has been hijacked. There is nothing you can do about it. You're asking how to detach with love - forget the love bit for now. First step is to figure out how to detach full stop. How to end the obsession with him and what he does and doesn't do. You do that by finally seeing it clearly and honestly, getting out of your own denial. Then you might want to scream and rage. That's probably part of the process. You might go numb. Don't be wanting to jump straight to love. It's not a failure if you're not loving about it right away. That might be self sabotage. Know that you will find your way to love. This kind of marriage nearly destroys people. Be real about it. If you feel love, great. If you don't know what you feel, fine.

You're better off detaching with rage than staying attached.

Ask honestly whether all your worry has helped or changed anything. Have you achieved anything? Do you have to hold on so tight? What would happen if you did let him be who he is and focus entirely on you and your life, what you can do, what's your business? I know his business and yours seem inextricably intertwined and it seems totally unfathomable to separate the two out, but that's not the case.

But my real best advice to you is just keep living it. Eventually you will cave and surrender. You'll give up. You'll see. It will hurt, then you'll be liberated. That's a dangerous path because it can drive us into very severe pain. In my case, I couldn't detach a moment before I was truly ready, til I'd just tried this one last thing one last time.

He is going to drink whether you suffer or not.

It is normal to be stuck and then back in muck again. As you live this experience, keep in the back of your mind that you are willing to detach. You will get it. Remember H.O.W.

I can see some gifts you will have for yourself when you detach. You will be able to give yourself the things you want him to give you. He cannot and will not give them to you, no matter what you do, say, feel or be. He is a stock standard typical alcoholic.

You feel insecure about the future - when your mind clears and your energy is back in you, you will get some good ideas about what you can do for yourself to secure a better future.

When you detach from him, you will begin to make yourself important in the marriage/your life. You are feeling alone because no one is caring for you. You must do that. No one is even living inside your body. Your focus is outside of yourself where you are so powerless.

You'll stop trampling your own heart and give your all to yourself.

You'll acknowledge, with compassion and love, how sad and miserable you are. That will spur you to improve, and will be healing in itself.

I don't think it's fair to say that him coming in drunk shouldn't turn your day upside down. That's a normal response. Maybe back up, do the best you can today, and get rid of all these rules you have for yourself. Maybe you are too hard on yourself. Maybe you're trying to run before you can walk. First things first.

All the beautiful, powerful, strong and wise force you have inside yourself, that you have been devoting to a person you can't control, could be operating FOR YOU! Healing you, calming you, soothing you. That's been my experience.

Suddenly I feel like I'm part of a world that is designed to hold me, sustain me, love me, support me, soothe me, energize me, help me. I've always felt like I was in a very hostile world. Since I detached, I no longer feel that. But I only detached when it was absolutely clear to me that there was no other choice. I originally detached out of exhaustion. My surrender was not a holy act of enlightenment, it was more like a quizzical revelation - holy moly, there is truly nothing I can do. And that is OK.

I'm telling you, if I can detach, ANYONE CAN. You've got no idea the mess I was. Before I got it, it all sounded like weird sick twisted mind games the Alanon people were trying to get me to do. It was so foreign it was like another language.

Bright blessings to you and your husband and your children

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene