The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I go through my life. The only true friendships I have made are from people from the program. Just recently I have lost another friendship. They are not a part of alanon and don't understand why I go since I am divorced from my exAh. They lied to me yet again last night. Recently they have been lying abt where they were going to me then they posted pics on FB of where they said they were not going to. At first I was very hurt but then I realized they lied to me cuz they didn't want to include me and why would I want to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be my friend. After leaving my exAh I realized that I had no friendships because I isolated myself. Slowly I started to make friendships. The friends I have from Alanon and church are the friends I know I can count on. Friends I have made at the workplace have been iffy. It's been a long road of recovery and even though I'm not with my exAh I still have trust issues with people. The tools I have learned in Alanon help me to distinguish healthy relationships and relationships in which are not healthy for me. As I work on my friendships I see I'm still not ready for a romantic relationship. Someday when the time is right it will happen. Until then I'm enjoying my single life and my freedom. Im grateful for the program it has helped me so much. Thank you for letting me share :)
I am so glad that you have friends you can count on.
As I reflect on some of my friendships, even from before meeting AW, I see a pattern of me doing the "heavy lifting" in the friendship. I did the calling, I made the plans, I put in the effort to go visit, etc. When I stopped doing those things, I stopped seeing those friends. They didn't call when I didn't, they didn't come to visit me when I could not afford to visit them. I still do count some of them among my friends, and I know if I needed to talk to someone, I could call, but in Alanon, I have discovered that I need more from my friendships, and I am finding that the things I need from friends now are very different from the things I sought in friendships in the past.
Thanks for the topic.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Very well said texasgal. I have recognized these toxic people
Yet now i can cut them loose easier or keep tighter boundaries
Around myself. I have one friend that i lost on purpose and
she came back around after i had started alanon and was i
getting a divorce. Wow red flag city, untreated Codie. Very
interested in alanon yet not enough to want go or To change
herself only her ah.
I work and know many good and healthy people. My family
Is very dysfunctional. I have learned many life lessons from
Watching my mother on what not to do or how to treat people.
I too need to find new and different friends for my new life.
Both alanon and church people are a good source of new
Friends. It Just takes awhile to bond. I too am not any where
Ready for a mutually healthy romantic relationship. I still
Struggle with the old. The demons still come out at night
Time to disturb my sleep. I still have many unresolved
issues with my xah. I am healing yet the past needs to
Be faced and dealt with before the next chapter can begin.
Great post texasgal. I too experienced the same awareness early in program. I do believe my connection with my sponsor helped me to appreciate what a healthy relationship should look like and then I could recognize what was important for me.
Discovering how rewarding it was to be able to connect with another, as an equal, with respect, honesty and love was amazing . In this relationship , as in all my alanon friendships ,no one gave advise, confidences were honored (no gossip) and all attempted to place principles above personalities. i saw then what was truly important in a friendship and realized that the other connections were merely acquaintances with some common interests, but no trust.
Thank you alanon for for this gift. Your self honesty and awareness wil serve you well as you consider a new partnership.
I too love the share texasgal. I've also found it to be true! I will add that long lost friends from HS have become a new 'relationship' again....I went to my 35 year reunion and truly was nervous and had no expectations. For the most part, 99% even, it was as if we had been in contact since school and felt good and right. There were a few that seemed to be a bit 'false' but most appeared to be standing in the truth - good and bad.
Perhaps age also helps with these things, I don't know. But, I do know that 7 of us are planning a girls weekend away at the lake the first weekend in November. We've chatted about it privately on FB and everyone seems genuinely excited to spend time together and reconnect. 2 of the 7 were gals I hung with in HS the others were not, but it was a small school and we were friendly - just not pals.
I have no concerns sharing my recovery journey if needed/asked. It's my truth now and they knew me when I was middle-stage mess. My substance abuse started early and by senior year, I had left home and got kicked off cheerleading, so I was probably the 'last to know' I had a problem.
I've found myself stepping away from one-sided relationships. I've truly not been sad to do so either - it's been a blessing. I would rather have a few great friends than 100 acquaintances. It took me a long while of program work and self-searching to realize this - the healthier I get, the better I can spot those who just take, take, take....
Life is good. God is good. I would not trade my program friends for anything!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Just a right on post and thanks for sharing it here. That is what happened for and to me also and I let it happen because trusting HP that it would all come out for the better was the best trust after all and which has proven itself out over time. Trust God, clean house, Help others. ((((hugs))))
