The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After hearing about my ex dying,I went numb for a while but now the feelings and the memories are flooding back,I cry every day,many times.I am waking up at night.I think about the way he died, alone, and I was right here.I was always here for him until things got so bad in my life and I had to let him go and now he is dead.I didn't get to talk to him or hear his voice again.We have only been apart for nine months so I was still grieving the relationship ending.I feel like I can't breathe.I want him to know how much I loved him.He was homeless and shooting heroin.I don't think he wanted to live anymore.
(((Mary)) I hear you and so understand. Please remind yourself of all the good you experienced together, all the love you shared and know deep down he understood.
I think you should attempt to go to the service as it will help in this process.
((((((hugs))))))) Mary,
So much love in your post. I understand your grieving. I love what Hotrod wrote, and now I'm imagining your husband in a calm place, feeling grateful to you for all your generosity and kind, loving thoughts.
Sending warm prayers for your peace and well-being.
Please be gentle with yourself, and don't rush the process.
I don't believe that anyone's HP wants them to sacrifice themselves emotionally or mentally for the sake of another, and I do believe that in the end he knew how much you cared and loved him. I am a firm believer in that even when I'm alone .. I'm never really alone. He did not die alone.
Hugs and prayers, S
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Mary, you are in my prayers today as you grieve him. I love what Serenity said about him not dying alone. I've lost people I love, and I have come to continue my conversations with them. It brings me comfort. I have a chance to say what was previously unsaid. While we have life, we can "be" with them.
You don't have to take it one day at a time. Take it in one moment servings if that's what's needed.
You are not alone. Take care.
So sorry for the pain that you are experiencing Mary. Wishing you peace
that only your HP can give you, so talk to him/her and ask for help.
My sincere condolences to you.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
(((Mary))) - walk through your grieving truth as long as you need to. I too am one who believes he did not pass alone. I also believe he knows how much you loved him and cared for him. I am so very sorry that the disease took his life. I can't imagine anybody would choose to die - it's the progression of the disease. He was not a bad person, he was a sick person.
I'm an Irish girl so I'll pass along one poem we often use at funerals:
Remembered Joy
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free!
I follow the plan God laid for me.
I saw His face, I heard His call,
I took His hand and left it all...
I could not stay another day,
To love, to laugh, to work or play;
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
And if my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss...
Ah yes, these things I, too, shall miss.
My life's been full, I've savoured much:
Good times, good friends, a loved-one's touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don't shorten yours with undue grief.
Be not burdened with tears of sorrow,
Enjoy the sunshine of the morrow.
We are here for you and I've got you all in my prayers.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I know the pain of losing someone you love, and I think that there is always a part of us that still loves people who are, for one reason or another, no longer in our lives.
I think it is great that you are so self-aware and reflecting on your feelings, giving them expression.
I believe that we each have a journey to take, a path to walk, in our lives. You and your Ex walked next to each other on your paths for a while. I think that now is the right time to reflect on the beauty of that walk, and on the things about your Ex that drew you together.
Be gentle with yourself as you grieve. I believe that HP has a plan for your path, and I do not think that we are ever truly alone.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Sorry about the pain and sadness your're feeling right now - for me (a 65 year old man that thought he was a tough guy), crying is a good thing when these kind of troubles pile up and seem overwhelming - find a sympathetic ear(s) at an open meeting, have a good hearty cry, and finish it off with a hug - the day will look brighter.
An Al Anon friend who also has an adult son with substance issues made a comment at a meeting one day that had me crying my eyes out - she said that sometimes she just wished that her son would die - I am pretty sure that most of the folks in the room thought the said that as a selfish remark because she wanted HER pain and suffering to end - but somehow I knew that what she was talking about was an end to HIS pain and suffering - I guess that's a hard thing to imagine saying, but sometimes when our alcoholic kids are in such a bad place, suffering for so long, with no end in sight, when ya don't even have a shred of hope left, perhaps it's the only way to look at a situation.
