The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My sponsor asked me this question because she feels it is a real issue in ending the cycle of choosing dysfunctional partners. I know for me the urge to depend, be included and be part of is enormous because I come from a family where I was absolutely excluded and ostracized and banned and punished.
My A initially in the relationship wanted me to be included be part of his life and went out of his way to be kind to me. I was living an isolated life at the time. I knew I should be in al-anon but I did not have the courage to go. I could not give that to myself. I was living not very far from many many meetings but I chose not to go. I wanted a fantasy of being loved and cared for and needed. And my A certainly needed me he always has. And I was willing to believe that I could control my dependency on him.
Pretty early in our relationship within months actually my A began to show signs of real coldness when it came to certain issues like being ill. I became violently ill and he was totally not interested and disparaging of it. I ended up being in the hospital for a week. When I came out I was bedridden for a week and he was not very supportive then either. I was incredibly weak and stunned. He would make a huge deal of doing things like going to the pharmacy but really had no idea how to be kind and attentive when I was sick. He really hated any mention of being sick and I understand this goes back to his family of origin with a mother who never permitted him to be sick at all. At the same time he is an adult I was hoping that he could rise above that. He never did to this day.
I had many many cues in our relationship early on that the A had severe issues with anger, with stability and with substances. I had all those cues but I still kept on getting more and more and more involved. I got a tremendous sense of stability out of being needed by him. When I rescued him which I did compulsively in the end I got a sense that he cared about me. I do not think that was caring now I think it was his desperation to carry on with his substances at all costs. I do not know that he knows how to care. I think he has affection for me certainly and does not want to break up at the same time what he needs and needs more than me is what the substances and alcohol give him. I know that now. I could not know that before. I could only know that I felt abandoned that I would do anything not to feel abandoned and I wanted him to stop. And of course he never did stop.
I can recognize the patterns now that I would not allow myself to know before. The crashing, the irritability the highs followed by the intense crashes the excuses, the lies, the money going awol. More lies followed by more lies. I know when he gets a paycheck now some of it goes on those substances. I don't think all of it goes because he pays some bills but I do not ask him. I know he has suffered tremendous repercussions from these substances, jail, shame, job loss, health repercussions.
The irony for me is that I am probably as dependent on him as he is on his sustances I have faced shame, job loss, health repercussions, loss of sanity and more because I have believed that I can influence him and I probably need him as much as he needs the substances. I have crashed, been irritable preoccupied but they are all related to him rather than to a particular substance. I have not gone to jail yet but I have found mysef incredibly angry at him in ways that indicated my total dependency on him for things I needed to take care of for myself - my sanity.
Boy I can relate to your post. You said it so eloquently.
I had many many cues in our relationship early on that the A had severe issues with anger, with stability and with substances. I had all those cues but I still kept on getting more and more and more involved. I got a tremendous sense of stability out of being needed by him.
I also noticed these same cues that there was something terribly wrong with my "a" in our relationship. At the time I didn't know he was an alcoholic I just thought he liked to drink and he would tell me all these excuses about why he lost jobs or couldn't go to work. I began taking care of him and rescuing him from his problems. I can see now that I didn't help him at all I enabled him and saved him from the consequences of his choices. My "a" has moved out of the home now for almost a month. He's moved on to another woman who is rescuing him and taking care of him. When I began to get stronger and started using my boundaries he couldn't handle it. He has blamed me for all of the relationship issues and his plight in life these last four years.
I can see now that I became addicted to rescuing and caretaking as well. Being needed felt so good to me, and honestly I thought that's what you did for people you loved. I see now that people have to take care of themselves. Through my whole relationship I took care of him and the kids, but didn't give myself the love and care I needed. I wanted it back from him so bad, but I see now that he is emotionally unavailable to that, not even for our children. Taking care of me feels good, but scary too because now I have to deal with why I chose to be with this person as well.
Sounds like you are doing good work, its work that I'm looking forward to myself even though its scary. Great topic.
Keep it up!
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I think I have a terrible fear of abandonment and will go to any lengths to avoid that. If there is an addiction there it is to fear. I was of course incredibly fearful as a child. I had reason to be both my parents and my silbings were always out of control.
I carried that over into adulthood and was an easy target. I wish I were not so easy to read.
I also wish I were not so "caring" for others and totally oblivious to myself. Sometimes I get very very angry about the A's mother for example who is completely narcissistic and I realise on some level I have been cold and cruel to myself. Maybe that is one of the reasons she bothers me so much because I am so dependent on others outside of me for acknowledging I have valid needs.
I can definitely relate to both of your stories (Maresie and Twinmom2). Thank you both for your offerings here. They really mean a lot to me. This whole board is opening doors in my head. There's nothing I can even add to your stories here; you've said it all.
Now... on with recovery... I suppose that is the only way out of the anxieties of the past....
