The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've only been to a handful of Al-Anon meetings so far so I am very new to this. Well, not to living with an alcoholic, but to Al-Anon. I do not have a sponsor yet and here I am at 12:30am being disrupted by my alcoholic after I had gone to bed at 10:30. What do I do at this time when there are no meetings and no sponsor? I feel like a prisoner in my home and I am just trying to hang on until he goes to bed.
Welcome and I'm glad you have found us. There are no one-size-fits-all answers to this kind of problem. Working the program, listening and maybe sharing at meetings, reading the literature, reading through the threads on this site - those will provide some templates for the kinds of ways there are to head off this kind of problem and to coping with it when it comes up. Some of it is about detaching and keeping one's serenity in the face of craziness. Some of it is about taking action so that you don't have to be faced with the ugly reality of a drunk trying to intrude on your space. That might be something like setting up separate bedrooms, getting a sturdy lock for the door, arranging with a friend to spend the night elsewhere, or deciding to separate from the alcoholic. These are just four options out of many more, but just to show that there are a whole range of choices and more will be apparent when you have a little more experience under your belt. For now, know that in not too long of working the program, you will find many tools and choices that will be very helpful, and using them will be easier than it seems when it's all new and strange. So however hard it is tonight, it doesn't have to stay this hard. Maybe reading through some of the other threads right now will start to provide a path forward.
Thank you Mattie. I was going through some of the other threads and found some peace in that and then I saw your response. I'm excited to be a part of the Al-Anon family and am looking forward to working the program. Growing up in an alcoholic household and now being married to an alcoholic, after my first meeting I thought to myself "why didn't I do this years ago?" (of course I knew the answer, and that was fear - thankfully a friend helped me make it to that first meeting). I am hopeful for recovery for myself and am smiling at the idea of learning new ways. The old ways, reactions, and feelings just don't work for me anymore.
VC73, welcome to MIP and glad you found us to share with. Mattie, is correct, by continuing with the face to face meetings and working the Al-anon program you will find your answers and learn the tools that with get you to a peaceful place. Detaching with love and empathy is an important tool in the many tools that Al-anon gives us. You are not alone, please keep coming back.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Veechee Welcome, It is great that you had the courage to reach out and share here as well as attending face to face alanon meetings.
When I was faced with the insanity of this disease, in the late evening, when I could not go for a walk, or call anyone , the MIP message Board was very helpful, as was, reciting the serenity prayer, and reading the alanon daily readers such as the C2C or ODAT.
Leaning how to calm myself in the time of crisis was a great gift of this program. Reacting to the insanity, as I once did by arguing or trying to talk it over always failed. Focusing on myself , staying inside my own self, kept me from interacting in any fashion and I felt safe and able to relax. Detaching with an ax(no comments) worked well for me in the beginning.
I too welcome you to MIP - so glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share and join us.
I remember all too well those long nights of ......
It was unbearable for a long while, but as I worked this program, gained my inner sanity and strength and learned how to detach with love and set boundaries, many things like this resolved themselves. For me, it was as simple as suggesting my AH sleep in another room/area when he was under the influence. In time, he moved out of our bedroom and we set up 'shop' for him in the basement.
It is unnerving and unsettling when our lives are disrupted by the chaos and drama the accompanies alcoholism, but there is peace and serenity through working this program, and the steps.
(((Hugs))) to you and glad you are here! We are just a post away!
PS - this board is world-wide so it's possible to find someone anytime you are in need of ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope).
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
When there's not a meeting currently available, and if for some reason calling and talking to my sponsor or a friend in the program, I go for my other Al-Anon tools - reading some of the literature, finding a place I can have some quiet and praying or meditating, hopping on the forum here and reading through and seeing if I can be of service or if something posted rings similar to my situation.
All very helpful tools. It's why I'm here right now this evening, in fact.
One of my experiences at night when I found it impossible to sleep was to lay in my bed and ask my HP to lay down with me envisioning myself laying with my head on HP's arm curled up to HP's side. THAT WORKED!! right off and I didn't have a problem sleeping again. Course I still had the alcoholic which the program with my HP helped me with and still does. Try it you'll like it. ((((hugs))))
veechee, at your next meeting ask if they have a phone list. Most meetings do, and once you ask, a number of members will tell you that you can call them anytime.
Otherwise, coming here, and reading, and posting. Also, you can try the chatroom, there is quite often people hanging in it. Click the second link down on the upper-left-hand corner of this page.
worked well for me in the beginning.