Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

daze · Veteran Member

Feeling pretty low

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Awww Daze, I know that it is very hard to watch and experience what your AH
is doing to himself. That is why Al-anon tries to help us see that we have to
stop watching!! I think the reason why we watch is because we want it to
change, but we have to accept and expect that it will not change, because it is
up to your AH and him alone. Focus on yourself and your life and let AH's
HP take care of him. You take care of yourself. {{HUGS}}

daze · Veteran Member

I agree to a certain extent but if he doesn't get help soon and get a job, I will lose the house. That' a hard thing to swallow and stand by and idly watch. Head says don't fight and my heart is say fight for what is yours. I don't mean him, I mean roof over my head, bills paid and food.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand, I did not realize that you are stressing about finances as well.
Not knowing your situations, it is hard for anyone to make healthy suggestions.
If you are headed towards foreclosure, is there a way to apply for assistance?
portal.hud.gov/hudportal/HUD

daze · Veteran Member

I know the program Debb and it was a godsend years ago when we were in the same boat. I have been able to make the payments until now, but probably this will be the last unless something changes and soon. I wanted to ask you about the acceptance thing because I understand it is the disease and you really have no choice but to accept the disease and that your life will be forever changed regardless if the disease is controlled or continues. But when I say my heart is struggling with that, I mean if it is any other disease and your H has it and doesn't want to seek a cure that you know is available, how do you not suggest the cures as many times as you can?

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I accept that it is his life and his choice and I respect him no matter what he decides. It is not up to me to control him or anyone.

daze · Veteran Member

I guess I am going to struggle with that the most because it doesn't seem like controlling behavior to offer a solution to a cure for someone that you care about. Does Alanon differ in its approach do you think that "Intervention"? It seems they don't go along with the accept the behavior on any terms even if it is the A's terms.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Daze, Al-anon states that they are not an intervention program, Al-Anon does not have the stated primary purpose of arresting another's compulsive drinking.

-- Edited by Debb on Thursday 3rd of September 2015 06:00:39 PM

daze · Veteran Member

Thanks Debb for being there and explaining the differences, right now I am trying everything I can think of. I do find peace when I am on this site but I just have a hard time seeing the pain he is in and causing others.

daze · Veteran Member

I am new to Alanon as you know and have explored it as much as I have been able to during that time frame. I guess when I am in the program longer I will know more of the ins and outs, thanks again.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Daze you are very welcome. Working the steps have taught me so much about acceptance and perspective.

YARNCRAZY · Senior Member

hey, im in the exact boat you are in and the storm looks pretty bad over here too. Tomorow is my birthday and my cousin sent me some money to treat myself

how about sharing a lifeboat and going to a beach and toasting marshmallows. Heck everyone on the board needs to lol and is invited lol

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Daze, AlAnon says we have to accept the fact that we can't do anything about what someone else does or thinks. If you want to think about it not in terms of alcoholism think of it in terms of food..... if he hates chocolate there is nothing you can do about it. You brought up the disease concept...... if he has a disease and decides to choose not to take the medicine, what can you do except to accept it? When we marry or partner with someone we think we have the same goals in life. After a few years when you figure out someone else does not have the same goals, and actually was pretending all along, what do you do?

Stay in reality. You can see what is happening. Accept what is and what is not. And then take care of yourself. Don't wait for him to take care of things. He can't. He probably won't.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Daze - so very sorry for your stress and your situation. I am one who used to struggle greatly with what I refer to as the 'disconnect between my head and my heart'.....

I consider myself reasonably intelligent so when folks instruct me and their solution sounds logical/reasonable, my head is nodding and I get it. Then, when I try to apply the suggestion my head wants to add emotion, history, future, etc. into it. Then, I begin to second-guess what I am doing, when just a day/hour earlier, I felt in my head and heart that it was the best next right thing.

It took me a long while and many one-on-ones with my sponsor to reduce the distance between my head and my heart. The one thing I had to do was stop the debating committee in my mind. The only way I learned how to do this was to work the steps, talk with my sponsor or trusted friends and trust my HP. And then as maryjane suggests, accept the reality and stay in the present.

My sponsor used to say to me, If that does happen (when I projected, even if my projection was a potential reality) does your present day worry/concern change it? What action can you take to bring you peace in the present. Sometimes there were concrete things I could do, other times, the answer would be accept and pray.

So, as an example in my life, when my AH put in retirement papers, and then told me with little time to align insurance/expenses, I had to focus on the facts. The facts are I need alternate health insurance and our income is going to change. I researched health insurance and have some options (steps I could take). I am also in the process of renting out a room in our home to supplement our income.

For me, to have any peace and serenity in my life, I had to stop relying on others and take action that made sense. Of course, there is a part of me that is frustrated that he did this. And then there is a part of me who would rather feel sorry for myself about my AH, my marriage, etc....but that does me no good at all - it just magnifies in my brain and then causes me greater worry and anxiety because I've taken one issue/situation and projected many others around it.

By taking life one day at a time, working the steps, talking with a sponsor and trusted program friends, that disconnect has improved greatly. I do realize the stress you are feeling is affecting you greatly so perhaps take a step back, breathe, regroup and then process - might 'see' things a little differently, one never knows!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene