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So last night, after a week long binge of 5+ beers, generally at least 10. I had had enough. We were talking cause he says I never talk to him, which is partially true, he's either drinking or we are running our kids all different places in opposite directions, and he said something and I just said I can't do this anymore, I can't live with someone who choses to drink over us. He denies he's an A because he still maintains his responsibilities. I told him he had a disease and without help he was not going to get better and I just could not live with this anymore. He's being a bad influence on our children, he's going to kill himself one way or another and I can't sit back and watch. So now it's my fault he drinks, which it pretty much always has been but because I don't love him and because when we go out to drink I pick a brewery or because we get invited to friends with a pool and he says we shouldn't go cause I'll want to drink, it's all my fault. I actually told him to put his big boy pants on because he should be able to make his own decisions and not drink. I know it isn't my fault and I know I cant cure it but I did want him to know that this disease has come between him and this family...which he denies. So anyhow, he left. He packed his bags and took his clothes not sure where he went. Part of me is thankful and part of me is sad. I know I will get through this and I know I do not want him back unless he gets sober. I can't stand the physical drain I am suffering from this. I have been doing more for me and the kids which I think is the reason I was brave enough to stand up to him. I did tell him he could pack his stuff and leave if he didn't wanna stop drinking. I'm just a ball of emotions this morning and now with hardly any sleep I get to work. Yah! Thanks for listening. Just needed some encouragement I think. Also anything anyone has to say is very welcome.
Confused, I am happy for you that you were able to mean what you say, say what you mean and not say it meanly, that you were able to be so brave. I can understand the "ball of emotions" you are feeling right now, I would feel the same way. I know that, I did the same thing with my 1st husband, asked him to leave, due to his extreme anxiety disorder, and I was, like you, very relieved as well. I would hope that you contact a lawyer as soon as possible, to establish child support and that you are working the Al-anon program for support for you and your children. Wishing you peace and serenity. {{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
just received a text from him saying he loves me, loves the kids and is going to stop drinking for good he doesn't want to lose what we have built. I know its the disease and I told him that I did love him but I was not going to live with a A and that without help he would not be able to "not" drink. I just don't know what to do
I think that you have done what you feel is right for you and the children. If you love him, support and stick by him. Have empathy and understanding for his disease and see it through with your HP's guidance and help. Please continue with Al-anon meetings and steps, very important for you to be able to think with clarity and detach and watch what AH does. If you are worried about having him return before he starts recovery or while he is in recovery, I would remember that while you are in doubt, wait to make a decision. If you decide that he should not return, please contact an attorney to secure support payments. Wishing you strength and confidence, success and peace confused.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
(((confused)))I can certainly understand your reaction to this disease as well as the confusion and heartbreak, which you are both expressing.
Al-Anon suggests that we make no major life changes until we are in program at least six months to a year. The reason for this is that, during that period of time we are, learning to let go of negative attitudes and expectations, developing new constructive tools to live by, and restoring our self-esteem and self-worth. Having accomplished these tasks, we become better able to look at our life in a somewhat detached fashion, have faith in a higher power, whose inner guidance is driving us, our restored self-esteem will all help us to act and not react.
One day at a time, with prayer, and letting go of past hurts and anger, I was able to reach a decision that was best for my entire family.
I hear the sadness and exasperation and confusion that is so common with the chaos this disease stirs up in your post. I'm glad you set good boundaries and stood by them. You were then able to restate them calmly in your text message. Now I hope that you are able to find a F2F meeting today so that you can detach with love and take care of yourself and find some support. (((hugs)))
You don't have to force him out right away. You don't have to do anything drastic. You DO have to take care of yourself..... that includes AlAnon. You do need to watch his actions because they say way more than his words. You would be good to try to have some compassion, but if you are like me, all I could find in the beginning was my manners. Then I found that I could treat him with dignity and then finally with respect. Be gentle with yourself and don't expect yourself to be perfect. You have been wounded, just like he has.
In my experience it's common for A's to declare that they're done with drinking when something drastic happens. But the disease is powerful and however much they mean it in the moment, unless they work a formal program of recovery hard, they soon lapse right back into their drinking ways. The good news is that there is plenty of time for you to see how he does with his vows of recovery. When he has a year of solid recovery behind him, you might be able to have a reasonable assurance that he's got what it takes for longterm sobriety. I was fooled by looking at words not deeds on a number of occasions. I hope you'll look at the deeds too, and take good care of yourself.
(((Hugs))) to you Confused. So very sorry for the sadness and confusion you are feeling over this situation. I believe that no matter how good we are at detaching and setting boundaries, it still is painful when there is change in relationship status. This applies to any relationship, but is even more painful and concerning when it's a spouse, child, parent, sibling, etc.
I want you to know that what you are feeling is part of the process and not unique. Loss is loss, no matter how that loss arrived. The best suggestion I have for you is to take care of you and work as best you can to stay in the moment. Nobody truly knows what the future holds - so take care of you and work on you so that you are the best you can be for you and not for another.
I would suggest going to as many meetings as possible. That helps me in the midst of the extreme chaos of relapse, recovery, moving in/out, etc. It's just like taking medication to recover and help ward off any ailment that may follow.
Please keep coming back and stay close to your program. I can relate to how you feel and my experience is it feels better when I take care of myself and love them enough to let them go...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Confused...sounds like you have some program and I pray you have meetings and the rest of the tools we get in Al-Anon. The physical depression is normal for the event as the disease will suck all of the energy out of our mind, body, spirits and emotions...rest up and find the next available meeting to get to and go listen. He loves you and most alcoholics are capable of love in a crazy screwed up way which is why the last word of both of out 2nds steps says we get led back to sanity. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I admire the loving honesty that you have expressed to your husband and the clarity of your boundaries as well. I think that you are courageous and wonderfully supportive in the action that you have taken and if I could I would give you a huge (((((((hug)))))))). I understand what that ball of nerves feels like but your instincts seem good to me. Now how to sooth those jangling nerves? What would suit you best?
I'm so sorry that you are going through this but I'm sending buckets of encouragement for you, your children and your husband.
I have really been thankful for all of your encouraging words. For an update, I did let him come home last night but I am for real if this life that I have been living continues it's done. I am not going to live in Chaos anymore. I will continue to work on myself but I do not have to live with an A that I have built up a high wall for anyhow.
You were right that the odds of him stopping drinking are very slim without a program. He will just start sneaking more eventually and then back to status quo. Now for you, there is damage from having lived this way for so long. From having had to carry the weight of so much responsibility while another person only gets drunk every evening. There is much resentment built up and a huge desire to control and fix things that may be completely out of your control. Alanon is also just a safe space for you to get centered and regain your coping skills.
I thank you all for the kind words. I guess now we just wait and see. In my heart I do not think he's hit bottom so I do not think this is it. But for now I am going to live one day at a time and see if we can work on this relationship cause I'm just not sure a lot of things can be fixed but we will see if it's just my anger. The reason I don't think he's hit bottom is because he's left before, granted it was his choice not mine but he has still left. He told me he's been drinking so much these last couple weeks to spite me. Really? What's that mean? So because I don't like his drinking he drinks? I haven't said anything to him about drinking in over 2 mos. so anyhow I will live one day at a time taking care of me and my kids and see where God takes me. Again thank you all
I understand how your feeling and your not alone. Its very difficult to loose an alcoholic so the chances are he will be back if you want him. Ive learned that the symptoms within the drinker are within us as well and theres not a lot we can do about the drinker but we can get recovery for ourselves. It takes real committment though but if you want change start with yourself like you have been. Good luck and your not alone.x
I have to say El-Cee I laughed when I read your comment about losing an alcoholic, they usually lose themselves first. Confused you have my sincerest hope that he can quit and that better things are ahead. You sound level-headed about his bottom and I think your instincts are probably correct. Hang in there, you really aren't alone.
If you were sincere about not drinking wouldn't you dump out the alcohol in the house? I'm just curious about this. Thanks
That is a huge IF and what bigger is the alcoholics sincerity about not drinking...The sincerity usually comes with the program and the personal commitment to it and a Higher Power, working the steps and allowing others to help you achieve daily sobriety. I have rarely heard of the alcoholic dumping out all the alcohol in the house...most I've heard is drinking it till its all gone and getting so spiritually, mentally, physically sick that you don't want to try another drop. Admitting powerlessness over alcohol is our first step along with the unmanageability of our lives because we continue to drink.
Stick around and keep posting and coming back. Find the program in your area and get there as soon as and as often as you can. ((((hugs))))
You are getting the typically responses that an alcoholic gives....saying he's drinking because of you, to spite you, because you nag and are angry. That is all total BS. He drinks because he's an alcoholic. Whether you are angry or nagging has nothing to do with it. What actually happens is the alcoholic pulls for those behaviors from you and then they use them as excuses to drink. It is a frustrating and insane game they play in relationships. That is why you can really benefit from alanon - step off the insanity train before it crashes again.
This whole thing isn't "just your anger." The alcoholic will have you doubting your sanity and if it really is "all your fault" all the time. You may want to work on your anger, but do it for yourself and not the relationship because he will probably drink anyhow and then just come at you with another reason. Detachment is the alanon tool that helps with this blame game insanity.
It is very hard to work on "us" in an alcoholic relationship....largely because the drinking doesn't usually stop or change and causes the person to be untrue to their word and their assessments of reasons why there are problems. Of course you have your own part in things, but you are not going to get a fair assessment from an addicted person that is just looking for more reasons to drink and not face their true level of dysfunction and sickness.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 7th of September 2015 07:11:05 AM
