The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Dave's pigeon analogy reminded me of this analogy. The story has helped me over and over again on my journey.
"There once was a woman who, upon coming home one late evening saw a snake laying in the snow. It looked frozen to death - but to her surprise it lifted it's head and smiled weakly. It said to her "please miss, will you take me home and get me warm? I'm going to die if I stay out in the cold a minute longer'. Can you imagine? A talking snake?! And this snake had chosen her to speak to! She couldn't say no. He would die without her.
So, the young woman carefully gathered her frozen friend and brought him home with her and layed him by the fire. He was warm and was going to live. "please miss - if it's not too much trouble - could you get me some warm broth? I haven't eaten in days." So the young woman dutifully warmed the broth and fed it to her new friend.
As the evening passed she grew tired. She asked the snake if it would be alright if she headed up to bed. "Of course miss. If only you could please wrap me in a blanket before you go - I will be just fine".
She gathered the snake into her arms and carefully wrapped him into a blanket. Then the snake bit her.
Feeling the venom and total shock she could barely speak. She finally said to him "I saved you from the snow and certain death. I brought you into my home and fed you. I kept you warm by the fire and nursed you to health... WHY would you bite me???"
"It's quite simple" he said.
"I'm a snake".
On the bad days when my AH is back into the rut of his disease, I remind myself that it's the disease that is the snake. I can choose to focus my attention to it's every need. Or not.
When I finally accepted that alcoholics do what alcoholics do i was then able to make a choice as to what I would do. It is very freeing . Acceptance of the disease, in all it painful aspects was needed before i would surrender and take the next right action for me
I understand the analogy, but as I have progressed in Al-anon, and because I always loved my AH, I grew to understand what the disease had turned him into, but I never once viewed him as a venomous snake. If that were the case I would have left him immediately. I saw that his anger and abuse could be side tracked, by me detaching and not engaging, thus diffusing the abuse. It is up to him to get help, because I understand that I cannot control, cure or cause him to drink. I have developed a sixth sense about when, where and how in interact with him and I have Al-anon to thank for that.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I read the story and took it as a lesson in facing the reality of life as it is. We can treat a dog as a human, feed it people food, etc. but at the end of the day, it's still a dog. Same goes with alcoholics, addicts, parents, children, etc. No matter what we hope for or wish for, at the end of the day, we must just accept what is and what will be.
Great parable. I enjoyed it and it made me think!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I understand the analogy, but as I have progressed in Al-anon, and because I always loved my AH, I grew to understand what the disease had turned him into, but I never once viewed him as a venomous snake. If that were the case I would have left him immediately. I saw that his anger and abuse could be side tracked, by me detaching and not engaging, thus diffusing the abuse. It is up to him to get help, because I understand that I cannot control, cure or cause him to drink. I have developed a sixth sense about when, where and how in interact with him and I have Al-anon to thank for that.
I want to (lovingly) clarify here - My intention is not in any way to frame the snake as our loved one. (Thanks for pointing that out Debb)!
The last sentence of my post was meant to clarify that the venomous snake is this dis-ease.
I believe that the alcohol or drugs or addiction change the behavior and choice. Sometimes they choose to "bite" while enmeshed with the illness. But the person is underneath that and can refrain from that venom and find real relief in a program as have I.
That's all I too have chosen to love, live with and work a program along side my AH for today.
-- Edited by LedfootJenny on Tuesday 1st of September 2015 09:47:46 PM
-- Edited by LedfootJenny on Tuesday 1st of September 2015 09:56:01 PM
Jerry and I am here - I am excited to share I'm reaching 6 mos ( this time around ) tomorrow. "It is what it is brings a relief" and a "roll with it" feeling inside of me this time around.
We can hope, and wish and work towards something (always!)... but because we love addicts we understand that the choice is theirs to do those things along side us or not.
This new avatar makes me smile. First, because she looks so much like me as a chubby little girl in the 70's, but also because that's how I feel. Young, new, full of life and energy and hope and excitement.
This time around - I'm running towards something wonderful instead of away from something I want to forget.
I can thank the program for that, but also for all the ESH right here! :)
That Avatar is Rockin!!!! Great choice and congrats. on your 6 months!!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for clarification LFJ, I did not mean to put you on the spot or offend you as well. You, like everyone else on this loving board are so entitled to your thoughts and feelings. I was just espousing mine and did not mean to make it sound like you were wrong for using the snake analogy. {{HUGS}}
-- Edited by Debb on Wednesday 2nd of September 2015 04:48:50 AM
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Ledfoot, I think it's a great analogy, and I like it. I certainly have experienced getting bitten by the alcoholism, and feeling that it wasn't the alcoholic that bit me, but the alcoholism.
It took a lot of yelling and screaming on mine and my wife's part before I got to some meetings where I could finally understand who/what the snake is. Thanks for sharing that!
Kenny
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Wednesday 2nd of September 2015 11:02:27 AM
