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Let me start off by saying: I am sorry if my post is breaking any message board rules in any way. Just about 7 hours ago my world kind of came crashing down (again) when my (recovering) ABF was discovered drinking again by one of our mutual friends. I didn't know where to turn, so here I am now.
Some background on my situation: I became involved with my ABF almost 2 years ago, around the time I had turned 21 years old. I knew he was a great guy, but I had no idea what his past was like. We dated...He was perfect (and sober, or so I thought)...I got attached...Flash forward a couple months, and I find out he is facing a Felony DUI from 11 months before (well that sure explained why he didn't ever drive!). His trial took quite a few months (he relapsed during the middle of it) and he was ultimately found guilty, and rightfully so. He spent 4 months in jail with work-release privileges. I was with him the entire way, drove him back to jail every night, all based on the fact that he begun treatment and really wanted to change. He had moved here from another state in 2011, and after spending a lot of time with him, I learned he had been through a 4 month rehab years ago (for pain-killers and heroin--leaving one month early), and relapsed in 2011, which is what prompted him to move here with his family. He wanted a fresh start.
He received 2 DUI's here in Arizona. The first one a misdemeanor, the second one a felony (because his license was still suspended from the first one); however, once his jail sentence was finished this May, he was healthier than ever and completely sober. For the first time in all of our time together, I could tell he really was sober, which showed me how much he had been lying to me in the past. He began an anti-depressant medication, and he was doing great! Ugh, I was so happy! But then his doctor prescribed him Adderall, and it was all down hill from there. He began abusing the Adderall, and eventually began "socially" drinking, as he calls it. I had no idea. It was hidden from me the entire time...until tonight. He invited one of our mutual friends out to dinner, and an hour later I received a frantic phone call that my ABF was drinking again, right in front of our friend that supports his recovery efforts and discourages any poor behavior! Our friend picked me up from my house and took me to my ABF.
Normally he would hide from me and immediately be in denial about what he's done whenever I would confront him, but tonight he invited me into his room to talk. He admitted everything to me, which was shocking. But I guess what has brought me here right now is that he did not give me the typical "I will try harder to be sober" response. He told me he does not want to be sober, and he believes he can now handle drinking "responsibly" and "socially." He just "wants to be normal." I asked him if he is willing to go to treatment again. He quickly responded "no. It does not work." I think the most shocking thing that he said after admitting to me what he has done was: "I know I will be with you forever, and I want everything that comes with that. I want you to know I am doing everything I can to be the best person I can be for you."
Extremely confusing....Normally when he would relapse he would push me away and say I deserve better and attempt to break up with me, but this time around he is holding onto me in the most loving/confusing way. I don't even know if this post made sense, but it sure felt good to write it. After looking up the common signs of relapse, I see that he has all of them (including loss of belief in treatment program), and I am about to face this journey with him again, but this time it is scarier because he claims he has no desire to be sober anymore. He just wants to be "normal." I feel helpless. This situation is much more complicated, but basically he is about to go into a full-blown relapse with no desire for treatment or to be completely sober anymore.
Anyways, I looked into Al-Anon during ABF's first relapse, but ultimately decided against it as his jail sentence was about to begin. I am now seriously considering finally attending a meeting in my area ASAP. I am afraid I will not be able to face this relapse with him, and that any trust I had with him is now completely shattered. I love him and he is a great person, but he obviously cannot seem to escape this disease.
Thank you for reading this long post of mine. Once again, I hope this post did not break any rules. I just needed a place to turn to.
Nightowl: I am fairly new here myself... All I can say is welcome, you are not alone and please keep coming back. In just 2 weeks here I can promise you it is worth it.
Welcome, Nightowl, and I am glad you have found us. Alcoholism is a confusing and painful world. When I first got involved with an alcoholic, I was so uninformed about alcohol that I made one self-damaging decision after another for years. You are a mile ahead already because you are seeking support and knowledge. I wish I had found Al-Anon a lot earlier in my journey.
I know how amazing it can be to hear those words about "I want us to be together." After all kinds of turmoil, they're like balm on a wound. And when they seem to have been pushing us away, it's such a relief. If only alcoholics had the emotional wherewithall to actually be in healthy relationships, and to give what healthy relationships need.
My guess is that your guy is doing what my guy did and what the disease does. What they want is to have it all: the drinking, and us. He is unable to hide the truth about the drinking any longer. So he comes clean (which is disarming, because it's so unusual - and it makes us, the partner, feel closer, which draws us in). But he's afraid that you might get the heck out of Dodge with the realization that you're dealing with a full-ahead, unrepentant alcoholic who's not going to change. So he ups the ante on the intimacy and love and caring. So if you're like me, you think, "Maybe I should protect myself and get out of here. But hang on! What I've been waiting for all along, he's finally offering! Is now a time to be leaving? When I finally have all the love I want right here on offer?" And as you say, it's really confusing. You thought you knew what was what and all of a sudden there's this big emotional surprise.
And then, the disease hopes, you'll stay around despite the drinking. The disease is really trying to get this to happen and work. A sort of having-his-cake-and-eating-it-too thing. Because in my experience, the disease always tests how far it can go.
Al-Anon helps give us tools to make the wisest decisions and to live happily without having to wait for the drinker to stop drinking. I hope you'll read through the threads on this site, find a good meeting (they say to try six because every one is different and the first ones might not be the right fit), get the literature, and keep coming back.
We've all been pretty much where you are. There is light at the end of the tunnel! Hugs.
oh Mattie thank you so much for this. I am always so confused by my AH's actions. He gets drunk, wants to argue then will say things like if you want me to leave I will. I wish he'd just say I am leaving but I know what he's doing, he's baiting me, and wants me to make a decision so it can be my fault. I'm sure of it. Your words were encouraging and although I am not making a decision right this moment it helps me to see exactly what is going on.
Thank you Mattie. I relate to your post entirely. You really hit the nail on the head. I will be trying the meetings as soon as possible and will definitely be back here often. It already feels great to finally not be alone.
I know I read this hear on the boards, if you knew now that nothing was going to change (ever) could you accept the relationship where it was at and be ok with it? I might have put my own spin on it however my point is this .. knowing that nothing would ever change is this the kind of relationship you want to wake up to in 5 years because there is absolutely no guarantee that people will find and stay with sobriety. There are consequences in staying and consequences in walking away .. the choice for me came down to walking away meant saving myself, I won't bore with the details I just was unable to process my own program while dealing with massive crazy. The divorce took 3 years and actually we aren't done yet. The idea of staying with him another min currently gives me hives .. yes .. I have to work a step and get over it .. lol.
So I would encourage you to seek those kinds of answers for yourself before getting married or having kids or whatever because if in anyway there is any kind of hallucination that "your love is different" .. it's not because you can't love the disease .. you can love the person under the disease .. however addiction is nasty business and it makes for a mean hateful bedfellow. I learned not to learn not to take things personally, not to base my self worth on what someone else said, and how to love myself enough to know when enough was enough while detaching as much as I could with love .. which that is still a challenge to this day for me.
It's a situation where I really believe that the addict means what they say when they say things like I want to get sober or I want us to make a life together .. in my case it's I'm going to pay my support .. LOL. Sorry .. that does make me chuckle out loud. My X absolutely meant every single thing he said in that regard in that moment .. however the moment slipped his mind when he blinked so his intension was there .. however his actual follow through was not because he had a very bad ugly two headed monster inside his head telling him ehe .. don't worry about that, it doesn't matter.
My XAH doesn't believe what I say .. he believes my actions .. I want to believe what my XAH says (not so much now .. lol), I don't believe what he shows me. I had to become the show me state. That means letting him accept the consequences of his actions without running interference, this is not limited to big consequences in the court room, this means holding him accountable for his lack of actions .. he has a job he needs to pay child support. I only deal with him when I absolutely have to because for me that's loving detachment.
This is what alanon has given me the gift of discernment of what works for me and accepting not everyone will agree with my choices however no one knows my situation the way I do or perceives it the way I do either. So my choices are what I need to do to take care of me in the best most loving way possible because for to long I expected other people to love me the way I should have been loving myself.
I'm glad you will keep coming back!!
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
You story of your ABF sounds quite familiar. My son also had a misdemeanor, the second one a felony. He spent four months in tent city on work release...drinking the whole time I come to find out. His third DUI felony class 4 has now put him behind bars for 2 1/2 years in Florence, AZ. This has been the best for him and I'm happy he is finally understanding his problems.
Your best bet is to start helping you because to worry and have fear for him are not going to do anything but put you in isolation. The anxiety and fear almost killed me.
When I finally let go with love and kindness is when the serenity and peace came. I can love and support without the fear because I know I will be OK.
Book you might want to read. Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew vol: 1
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thank you S! I loved your post because of how you mentioned that you did what was best for you! I know everybody's situation is different, and my goal is to figure out what is best for me. I am only 23, after all, and I know I have all the time in the world. It seems silly that I am letting a 2 year relationship consume me, but I certainly do love him.
Cathyinaz: Quite familiar indeed! 4 months work release in tent city is exactly what my ABF did. Also, thank you for your post and the book recommendation! Will be looking into that ASAP!
-- Edited by nightowl on Tuesday 1st of September 2015 01:23:49 PM
Let me start off by saying: I am sorry if my post is breaking any message board rules in any way. Just about 7 hours ago my world kind of came crashing down (again) when my (recovering) ABF was discovered drinking again by one of our mutual friends. I didn't know where to turn, so here I am now.
Some background on my situation: I became involved with my ABF almost 2 years ago, around the time I had turned 21 years old. I knew he was a great guy, but I had no idea what his past was like. We dated...He was perfect (and sober, or so I thought)...I got attached...Flash forward a couple months, and I find out he is facing a Felony DUI from 11 months before (well that sure explained why he didn't ever drive!). His trial took quite a few months (he relapsed during the middle of it) and he was ultimately found guilty, and rightfully so. He spent 4 months in jail with work-release privileges. I was with him the entire way, drove him back to jail every night, all based on the fact that he begun treatment and really wanted to change. He had moved here from another state in 2011, and after spending a lot of time with him, I learned he had been through a 4 month rehab years ago (for pain-killers and heroin--leaving one month early), and relapsed in 2011, which is what prompted him to move here with his family. He wanted a fresh start.
He received 2 DUI's here in Arizona. The first one a misdemeanor, the second one a felony (because his license was still suspended from the first one); however, once his jail sentence was finished this May, he was healthier than ever and completely sober. For the first time in all of our time together, I could tell he really was sober, which showed me how much he had been lying to me in the past. He began an anti-depressant medication, and he was doing great! Ugh, I was so happy! But then his doctor prescribed him Adderall, and it was all down hill from there. He began abusing the Adderall, and eventually began "socially" drinking, as he calls it. I had no idea. It was hidden from me the entire time...until tonight. He invited one of our mutual friends out to dinner, and an hour later I received a frantic phone call that my ABF was drinking again, right in front of our friend that supports his recovery efforts and discourages any poor behavior! Our friend picked me up from my house and took me to my ABF.
Normally he would hide from me and immediately be in denial about what he's done whenever I would confront him, but tonight he invited me into his room to talk. He admitted everything to me, which was shocking. But I guess what has brought me here right now is that he did not give me the typical "I will try harder to be sober" response. He told me he does not want to be sober, and he believes he can now handle drinking "responsibly" and "socially." He just "wants to be normal." I asked him if he is willing to go to treatment again. He quickly responded "no. It does not work." I think the most shocking thing that he said after admitting to me what he has done was: "I know I will be with you forever, and I want everything that comes with that. I want you to know I am doing everything I can to be the best person I can be for you."
Extremely confusing....Normally when he would relapse he would push me away and say I deserve better and attempt to break up with me, but this time around he is holding onto me in the most loving/confusing way. I don't even know if this post made sense, but it sure felt good to write it. After looking up the common signs of relapse, I see that he has all of them (including loss of belief in treatment program), and I am about to face this journey with him again, but this time it is scarier because he claims he has no desire to be sober anymore. He just wants to be "normal." I feel helpless. This situation is much more complicated, but basically he is about to go into a full-blown relapse with no desire for treatment or to be completely sober anymore.
Anyways, I looked into Al-Anon during ABF's first relapse, but ultimately decided against it as his jail sentence was about to begin. I am now seriously considering finally attending a meeting in my area ASAP. I am afraid I will not be able to face this relapse with him, and that any trust I had with him is now completely shattered. I love him and he is a great person, but he obviously cannot seem to escape this disease.
Thank you for reading this long post of mine. Once again, I hope this post did not break any rules. I just needed a place to turn to.
Welcome to the board! Here is hoping you find a path to serenity from the chaos of this disease. In my opinion, this is a great and courageous first step.
I can relate to much of your story. Mine includes multiple DUI's, felony DUI conviction, jail time, relapses, and feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, anger, betrayal, resentment, etc.
When I came to AlAnon, my life was crashing around me, much like you describe yours was. Some of the best advice I got from a couple of veteran AlAnoners that night was to hold off on making any major decisions until I had been in the program for at least 6 months. That sounded insane to me at the time, as I felt this overwhelming need to make a decision about my marriage to my AW right then and there. What I didn't realize was just how sick I too had become. I'm glad I listened, because in hindsight I was such an emotional wreck I had no business making decisions about what color shirt to wear when I got dressed in the morning, let alone something as monumentally important as the future of my marriage.
It's been exactly 10 months since that day, and I have found my own recovery in AlAnon. My wife is 10 months sober and working a strong recovery program herself. We are still married. I have no idea if that will be the case next week, let alone 10 months or 10 years from now. All I know is that today, I love my wife, she loves me, and we are doing our best to keep our family together. I don't know if that will change, but I will deal with that if it happens. I refuse to live in the past anymore, and I fight everyday not to be taken captive by my fears of what may happen tomorrow. It's not easy, and some days are easier than others ... but the big thing for me is that I have tools to help me do that ... to keep my focus on me and not my AW ... and I got them from attending AlAnon meetings, getting a sponsor, and starting to work the steps.
Some other great insight I got was to understand that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it. That was a great relief once I came to understand and believe it. Once I realized I was powerless over the alcohol, and my AW's relationship with it, it gave me the freedom and permission to start working on me. And there is LOTS to work on. Once I started on working on me, it made me to busy to worry about trying to fix my AW, or control her recovery.
Hang in there. This is an exceptionally difficult time. Try and take it one day at a time. I will pray for you and your ABF that you both find your way to recovery and serenity. I Hope you keep coming back!
Dave2554: thank you! I am learning that the first thing I need to do is work on myself and let him figure himself out. It's hard letting go of that because I am such a controlling person. This is going to be something I will struggle with for sure.
Thank you everyone for being so welcoming :) I was afraid to post, but I'm so glad I did! For the first time in a long time I feel like it can actually get better for me.
Welcome, Nightowl to MIP, I think that you have gotten some pretty great replies, and hope you continue to come and talk with us and join a local Al-anon group. You will not be sorry and you certainly are not alone!!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Welcome Nightowl! Wow, we share such a similar story. My ABF and I also got involved about two years ago, and I also didn't know about DUI-related felonies that he was still running in until a few months after we started dating. He too struggled with a heroin addiction, was in and out of rehab, in and out of jail (although not since we've been together). And he too cared a lot the first few relapses, tried sobriety, worried he'd lose me, would argue and get emotional when we addressed what the addiction was doing to our relationship. My ABF doesn't seem to care much about those disagreements now. He's given up on sobriety and doesn't give much else but his beers attention.
Anyways, I can completely relate, and I'm glad you've found this site! I hope you find a good Al-Anon group to join. I'm heading out to a meeting myself in 30 minutes or so, looking forward to sharing experiences :)
Welcome Night Owl as you can see you are not alone I am happy that you are thinking of attending face to face meetings soon. It ishere that I truly found the support,compassion and effective tools to assist me as I learned how to interact with this dreadful disease
Keep coming back here as well. You have received responses from a few very new members who are just newly experincing the great benefits of the program
You've got some great ESH above me so all that I'll add is you aren't alone, and we are just a post away!
Al-Anon is the one place where I could show up, speak my truth and not be concerned with judgement from others. A huge calming effect from this program almost from the beginning.
Huge (((hugs))) to you - glad you are here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Nightowl
After reading your post I am more sure than ever that alcoholism is a disease because my AH's words and behaviors are almost identical. I have noticed that almost every loved one of an A has almost the same story to tell and it is repeated and verifiable in almost every case. Diseases also have indicators that we call symptoms that are almost identical and verifiable. I am a new member as well less than a week here but not new to having dealt with alcoholism. This site has helped me calm down, back off and be able to make it through a day without tears or anxiety. Please come back as I know I will as I think you will find some peace as well.
Aloha Night owl and welcome to the board...It is amazing at how so many people (members) having come from the same disease will step up to help and support the new comer. In time as you find yourself getting better...weller....you will also find the desire to reach out to a newbie who is and has been in your position. Stick around and keep reaching out. ((((hugs))))
Thank you everyone. You have all been so welcoming, and it means a lot to me.
The past few days with my ABF have been interesting. He tells me it was just a "slip" and he wants to continue with his sobriety and that he never said he was going to continue to drink (though he definitely did say it. He claims what he meant by it was that he wishes he could find a way to continue to drink and be normal, but he knows that is not possible for him). There was a time those words would have made me so happy, but at this point it is hard for me to believe anything he says. I look at him now and see a different person. It's rough. He was doing so well and our relationship was at such a high high...the other night pulled us all the way down to the lowest point again. This one hurt the most so far for that reason. There was a time I could sense this coming, but this time I was pretty blindsided, which makes it harder for me. It's like all the happy times we had the last 3 weeks or so didn't count at all.
nightowl - no matter what he does or doesn't do, you can take care of you and find peace. It's not an easy journey (Al-Anon) but it's so worth the results!
We're glad you are here too and I gotta say.....love your avatar! Brings a smile to my face each time I see it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you. It's a very difficult time right now, as I am sure you all know. I am currently finishing up my Master's Degree; I am starting my thesis and trying to get through this last semester. As exciting as it is, it's such a stressful time, and my situation with him is just aggravating it. There was a time when I felt I had all the time in the world to focus on him and help him get better, but right now I do not have the time and really need to focus on myself and finishing my degree. I am mainly hoping to find a way to focus on myself, especially for the time being. I don't want him to affect me finishing my schooling, and I know he wouldn't want that either. But it's hard to sit at my computer and focus on my assignments when I am worried he is up to no good.
I remember the dr. Jekyl and Mr Hyde, whether my A was drinking or not, he could be either one any given moment and it kept me off kilter and walking on eggshells for sure. I'm so glad you're here at MIP and gonna look into local meetings. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and the 3 daily readers help me so much with my view of my A's. Also "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie was another very helpful book when I first found Al-anon, keep coming back! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
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